I've got my drink and my two step

Okay, because this type of thing is popular on Myspace, I'm going to try my hand at a game I just made up. And you're going to play it, too. I'll start.

It's a very simple, yet powerfully evocative game. It's called "The Seven" and, I'm not going to lie to you, it's fucking brutal. Ok, here I go. First, you take someone you know, someone you're close enough to that you could reveal three things about them that would either embarrass or ruin them. Or both. Then you respond to three prompts, and if the verisimilitude of these responses is found to be lacking, then someone even closer to you than the person in question will be sent to jail for a crime they didn't commit. For a very long time. Don't question me on this, just know it will happen. I have friends in the business.

Anyway, your first response would be to this command:

DESCRIBE HOW THIS PERSON CAN BE SHALLOW.

So, if your best friend Thom was the person in question, you might respond like this:

Sometimes Thom can be so small. At his birthday party last year, his sister dropped by when he was opening his presents. Thom had been working the room up until that point, making witty remarks and eloquent statements. His sister came in the room, sobbing quietly. When Thom's mother asked her what was wrong, she told us her friend Tiffany had just done a cannonball into an empty pool and broke her neck. Everyone rushed over to her in a wave of support and Thom, still opening his presents, said in a loud voice, " So, are we done over here, or are you going to come back and watch me open the rest of my presents?" Later, he offered an insincere apology, saying he was just joking when he made the remark, but we all knew he wasn't.

Next, you would respond to this prompt:

GIVE A DETAILED EXAMPLE OF A TIME THIS PERSON HAS HURT YOU EMOTIONALLY OR PHYSICALLY.

We'll use Thom again.

A bunch of us were watching The Seventh Seal one night and when it was over I asked Liz, the girl I was dating at the time, if she liked Ingrid Bergman as a director. Thom heard me say this and said, "InGRID Bergman was the daughter of IngMAR Bergman, the director you're about to pretend you know so much about in order to impress your lady friend." I was terribly embarrassed, and so was Liz, as evidenced by her hasty exit from the house and subsequent refusal to hang out with Thom in any capacity. Thom really hurt me that night and I still haven't totally forgiven him, even though a few years have passed.

And then you'd respond to this last bit:


DESCRIBE A TIME THIS PERSON HAS TALKED BEHIND SOMEONE'S BACK. AND IT HAS TO BE SOMEONE YOU, AND AT LEAST THREE PEOPLE WHO WILL READ THIS, KNOW.

At the bar last weekend, Thom started going off on our friend Steve. I admit I joined in at first---everyone needs to vent once in a while---but Thom wouldn't quit. He was saying things like, "Don't get me wrong, Steve's a cool guy, but really, who hasn't read Emerson? You'd thing after thirty years on this planet, he'd have stumbled on to him at some point. I guess those John Grisham novels have done the trick for him." Like I said, I joined in at first, which I'm not proud to admit, but I shut up pretty quickly when Thom said this about Steve. "He couldn't see me because it was so dark, but I was cringing the entire time when Steve played at open mic the other night. First of all, he plays "Wish You Were Here", which is so fucking obvious, and then he goes ahead and butchers it. Yeah, I know music is more of a hobby to him than it is to us, so we can't expect him to be David Gilmour, but the way I see it, if you're going to subject people to your playing, even if it's only open mic, you should take some pride in it. I'm sorry, but there was no pride on display during his performance. What was even worse was watching his girlfriend and her friends gush over how great he played. They looked him right in the eye and told him how good he was. I couldn't decide if they actually believed it or if they were bullshitting. Either way, they're fucking idiots. Steve loves the attention, but it's not like what they say has any value. He should really dump that chick, but he won't because he likes the fact that he's smarter than her, which is kind of pathetic, but whatever. Don't get me wrong, Steve's a great guy, I love him to death, but what the fuck?"

So that's the game. I've decided you should go first. Post your responses on Myspace and let's hope it catches on. And don't get hung up on why the game's called "The Seven". Just do what I told you.