And now I hear your master sing, you kneel for him to come, his body is a golden string, that your body is hanging from

You'd think a half hour trip to visit your grandmother would be a relatively smooth affair, but fucking hell did I have a tough go at it. I waited until six thirty to leave for Chelmsford, where my grandmother is rehabbing, in order to miss out on the traffic. The traffic wasn't a problem, but the second I got on Rte 2, my windshield became smeared with salt. As I didn't have a drop of windshield washer fluid, it took only about a minute for things to become utterly hairy. I had people riding my ass, so I couldn't pull over safely. I needed to badly,though, because visibility had been reduced so substantially that I was convinced I was going to crash. I couldn't believe how quickly things degenerated. Luckily, I made it to the rest stop on 95.

I filled my car up with fluid and, by the time I got to Rte 3 five minutes later, I'd used about half of it. The roads had so much salt on them it looked as if they were covered in snow. On my way home, I ran out of fluid again and went through the same trauma, only this time I was too stubborn to pull over. Speaking of pulling over, I had to do so twice to pee on my way to Chelmsford. I still can't figure that one out. Anyway, by the time I got to Palm Manor, I'd felt as if I'd just been on a Tolkienesque journey, only without elves, dwarves, an evil lord, a friendly wizard, Gollum, Nazgul, and hobbits.

Nana looked to be in good spirits. I brought her a Norman Rockwell jigsaw puzzle and we had a nice visit. Her roommate, a woman with pneumonia, had the most disgusting, mucous-rattling, cough I've ever heard. It took some will power not to throw up all over my grandmother's bed. Nana told me about how every time she'd lie back and close her eyes these past few days, she'd be certain there was a visitor sitting beside her. And when she'd open her eyes and look over at them, no one was there. She thought perhaps it was the medication inducing these strange happenings, but who knows, maybe she really is being visited. There is so much we don't know.

I sat on the bed talking with her and she looked so old. I looked into her eyes and thought of death; the whole place was teeming with it. As she spoke about who had stopped by to visit her, I thought of how much I'd miss her when she passes, but also somehow happy for her. She's lived a long, fruitful life, and I could see it in her eyes that soon she'll be ready to go, will have had enough of old age and it's inherent pain and suffering. That being said, she also has some fight left in her and it doesn't look like she's ready to go just yet. No, I think she'll surprise us all and stick around for another few years.
--
At work today, Gio came up to me and lifted his chin up high and said, "Check this out, Kevin." He pointed at his throat and I could see a couple of red lines on his neck. "I couldn't take it anymore the other night so I took one of those big chef's knives and took it to my throat. I cut at it hard, but the blade must have been too dull, or something. I was so pissed at everything, especially God, and I just wanted it to be over."

Now, I'd been aware of Gio's psychological issues, but I never thought he'd take it this far. He told me he felt much better today, but even still, I took him aside and told him that if he ever gets to that point again, to call me and I'll come extract him from whatever shitty situation he was in. Karen and I spoke on the phone about him later on --he had told her what happened already-- and she had offered to pay for a therapist, but he declined. We both agreed that he probably wasn't going to go all the way with the knife, that it seemed more like a cry for help, but even going that far is a clear indication that he's dangerously unstable. I hope he acquiesces and sees a therapist.
--
Sad to hear about the passing of Heath Ledger. He was one of the finest actors of his generation and he will be missed. I first realized how good an actor he was when I saw The Brothers Grimm. The movie wasn't that great, but his performance was so good, it stuck with me long after I'd forgotten about the film. But it was in Brokeback Mountain that he blew me away. There was something so natural, so true, in his performance, it seemed a crime to refer to it as acting. And when I found out he was the Joker in the next Batman installment, I smiled broadly. I hope he was able to finish the film, because I bet his role in it will be worthy of the swan song it has become.
--
Kind of a bummer day today, but in retrospect it really wasn't. Despite it's dark veneer, I actually thought it went pretty well.

Aren't I the fucking optimist.