Bill called me at home last night and told me that Gio complained to Karen about some comments that were made on Saturday. This is what happened: Gio, Bill, Kim, and I were out back near the end of the day and I needed to finish up some paperwork with Kim so the two of us headed up front. As we left, Bill said something to the effect of "Every one knows the two of you are getting it on, so go ahead and be alone together". To that, I responded with something like this, "You don't have to be left out, you know; you can watch us for a fee." That was it, in a nut shell. Everyone laughed and went about their business. Apparently Gio was adversely affected by what was said and complained to Karen.
A little back story, if I may. Ever since Kim started working with us, Bill has tried almost everything to get her to go out with him. Consequently, I told Kim, on multiple occasions, to let me know if he ever takes it too far. She shrugged me off every time telling me she's heard it all and can take care of herself. When it was made apparent to Bill that Kim had no interest, he became a little pouty, but more or less backed off. Frankly, most of the courtship was tongue in cheek and I have a feeling Bill would have been surprised if Kim had said yes to a date. I had even bet Bill---his idea---two hundred dollars that she wouldn't say yes to a date. He still hasn't paid me. The bet, by the way, was the impetus for my remark about him paying to watch us. I told him that at least I could get some of the money that he owed me.
I wasn't at work yesterday and from what Bill and Kim told me, Karen was upset by what happened. She approached Kim about the "incident" and when Kim told her she didn't know what she was referring to, Karen told her about Gio's complaint. Kim told her that she wasn't offended in the slightest and that the only thing that bothered her was Bill asking her out all the time. But even that was only a mere annoyance. Karen was more upset than Kim, it seemed.
She told Kim that she can't have that type of thing going on and that it was sexual harassment.
Karen never said a word to me about the "incident" over the course of the few phone calls we shared today. That's probably not a good sign. It means either she's gotten over her initial feelings, which I doubt, or she's not going to say anything until she fires me over it. I'm not being paranoid here. When she fired me back in December, she had been harboring her anger over a couple of things I did "wrong" for two weeks before she said anything. This, I'm afraid, could be a mirror image of that time. Or, who knows, maybe she'll talk to me about it tomorrow. I'd like a chance to tell my side of things.
I'm keenly aware of how careful I need to be about what I say at work. Even though I hear far, far worse than what I dished out on Saturday, I know that, because I'm the manager, I'm held to a higher standard. What I said on Saturday was dripping with sarcasm and was the only time I've ever made any kind of sexual remark in front of Kim. And the only reason I said it was because I knew Kim wouldn't be offended. She had even proposed the idea before that we mess with Bill and Gio and whoever else thought we were hooking up, by saying precisely the type of thing I said to Bill. If they think we're doing something we're not, than we may as well perpetrate the notion. We never acted on the idea, though. I didn't think it was a good idea. Aside from what was said on Saturday, I've never said anything lewd to any of the women I've worked with there or anywhere else.
Gio told Karen he was worried I might say something offensive in front of his girlfriend, who works with us one day a week, and Karen shared the same concern. Unbelievable! I know how jealous Gio is of anyone with a penis, and as a result, I barely ever say a word to her. Just because I said something salty on Saturday it appears that , all of a sudden, I've become a sexual deviant. I feel like Don fucking Imus! I take responsibility for what I said---I shouldn't have said it, even though I was sure when I said it that Kim wouldn't be offended. Having said that, Gio didn't complain because he was offended. He complained because he wants to look better in Karen's eyes than I do and because he's not right in the head. It was only a few days ago that I took him aside and told him that I'd be there for him whenever he needed to talk or anything else. If he was genuinely offended by what Bill and I said, then I'm a ring tailed lemur. No, this was about something else.
And the frustrating thing is, I can't say any of that to Karen. If I were to, it wouldn't erase what I said, and I'd just look like I was deflecting, which, in truth, I would be. So whether Gio was offended or not, I still said what I said and I have to live with it. One slip up may have cost me my job. All day today I was knotted up and tight in the chest. I haven't felt good about pretty much anything for awhile now and this new development didn't help matters. I never used to feel this way, at least not so consistently. I'm trying to keep my head above water, but my limbs are growing tired and I don't know how much longer I can keep going this way.
After work I went for a run. I ran and I thought about my life and all the ways it sucks. I ran faster as a way to say "fuck you" to all that. By run's end, I felt better. My outlook was clearer.I need a new job, that's plain to see. Obviously this one is not working out. It's just a matter of whether I quit or get fired. Either way, it's not the end of the story. As bad as things are, as bad as they've ever been, I'm intelligent enough to know that in a different situation I'd thrive, that I'm not inherently like this, that many others put in my situation would feel the same way. The run helped put things into perspective.
I'm embedded in my behaviors, in my way of life. The type of changes I need to make may feel cathartic as a result. Anything will be better than this though. I can't take much more of it. I'm still hopeful enough to appreciate and take strength from, even the smallest change. And if I were to start seeing someone? Hell, that would send me soaring. So, I don't need massive changes to make me happy, to propel me towards bliss. Simple pleasures, like sharing a laugh with a friend or reading from a good book, will do well enough.
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A happy birthday to Kreg, one of the best friends a guy can have. I've known him most of my life and I still find his sneeze fascinating. Cheers, my friend!
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The Celtics are crushing The Heat. As an indication of how low the Heat have sunk: KG and Ray Allen are sitting this one out and Paul Pierce has only scored a few points, and the C's are all over them like stink on a monkey.
Nice.
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