Christmas is but a memory, and I'm relieved. In another life, I would lament it's passing for a few days, wishing the holiday hadn't gone by so quickly. Things change, and because they do, next year I may return to my old form and want to hold Christmas in my arms forever, to loosely borrow from a song I can't remember the name of. All in all, it was a pretty good day. Before I dive into the events that transpired, let's give Christmas eve it's due.
When I showed up to work on Wednesday, there were a bunch of wrapped gifts on my desk. I quickly went about opening them. Jeff, and his wife, Chris, gave us all a nice bonus, a beautiful gold bowl, ala Pier 1 Imports, some Godiva chocolates, and a tin of assorted candies. Marcy gave out Dunkin Donuts gift cards. It was the most I've ever been given at any job. I felt appreciated.
We got out around 12:30 and I took advantage of the early release to pick up a few more things. One of those things was a gift, nay, two gifts to myself: The Dark Knight on dvd and Guns n' Roses Appetite For Destruction, an album I used to love but never got around to getting on cd. The other stuff was wrapping paper and a gift for my grandmother. Traffic was outrageous and I barely managed to maintain my sanity, which was already in question.
Later in the day, I got a call from Janelle. Her car had overheated on her way down to our place. She made it to a gas station on Mystic Ave and when I arrived, she decided to chance driving it back to the house. Fortunately, she made it and took the whole thing in stride.
That night, in the spirit of Christmas, I sat in bed and watched Herzog's Cobra Verde. I fell asleep at some point and when I awoke it was after midnight and the image on the TV was distorted beyond recognition. I wondered if that was it for the ol' boy. I got up and tried to turn it off. It wouldn't. Somehow, through a series of arbitrary maneuvers involving the dvd player and the TV, which I won't bother trying to explain,I managed to turn it off. I couldn't get it to turn back on. Well, I thought, that's it for the ol' boy. Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night. I went back to sleep.
At my parent's on Christmas morning, I suffered an odd sort of break down. Maybe it wasn't odd at all -- maybe, it was quite natural and healthy, even -- but if felt odd, nonetheless. I've questioned whether I should share this with you, whether it's one of those facets of my life that, to save me some embarrassment, should remain private. Though I do share quite a bit of myself in these virtual pages, there is much I don't reveal. But, I feel comfortable enough with myself that I won't be reduced in any way by people reading this, even if the majority of them think I'm a little Nancy boy as a result.
So there I was, sitting in my parent's living room watching everyone open their gifts when a terrific sadness overcame me all of a sudden. I was able to suppress it enough so that my features did not betray what was happening internally, but it wasn't easy. The sadness subsided and I took a deep breath.
I'd been feeling a little overwhelmed in some areas of my life for a while leading up to Christmas, so it wasn't shocking to me that I had that surge of emotion. The fact that it was happening in a room full of people, though, was out of the ordinary. Some time passed until I was struck by another wave of sadness. I say sadness, but it was a little more complex than that. Anyway, this time I had to remove myself from the room because I felt like I was going to start crying. That would have been uncomfortable, to say the least, for everyone to witness.
I grabbed the gifts I had opened and used them as a pretext for going out to my car. As I put the presents in my car, I started weeping. I laughed at myself between sobs and marveled at the fact that I didn't really know why this was happening.
I managed to compose myself and headed back into the house. As I made my way up the porch stairs, I saw the curtain close in the dining room window. It was my mother and she was concerned. When I entered the house, she pulled me into the dining room and asked me if I was ok. Apparently, I wasn't, because I broke down in a fit of sobbing. She led me upstairs to her room and we sat on her bed. She rubbed my back and kept asking me what was bothering me. When it became evident that I was having trouble speaking, she told me to take my time and to explain what was happening when I felt ready.
I felt like a child again, safe in my mother's arms. You can't go home again, but sometimes you can visit. Do we ever lose the bond between mother and son? I calmed down and we talked about what was bothering me, despite the fact that I wasn't so sure.
When we went back downstairs and joined the family, I felt much better and went about my business almost as if the episode never occurred. If anyone was privy to what happened, they didn't let on. Periodically, throughout the rest of the day, my mother would quietly ask me if I was ok, and every time I told her I was because, well, I was.
We went to my grandmother's house in the afternoon. It felt good having my family around. My niece Colleen used my grandmother's cane as a microphone and sang "Goodnight, Irene" for everyone and then we opened our gifts. When that was through, we watched the Celtics/ Lakers game. It was refreshing watching something other than football at holiday event.
I went for a run when I came home. The streets were deserted and the weather was warm. As I ran, I thought about the day's events and determined that I probably needed that weep-athon, the poor timing notwithstanding. So, I'm a little crybaby, I guess, but don't worry, I'm still drawn to grown up activities like violence and deceit.
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I went over to Mara's on Friday night. We watched some Alan Partridge and were about to watch the documentary Paradise Lost, but switched to Fantasy Island. That was her call, but I went along with it for the sake of nostalgia.
Yesterday, I was determined to get a TV and I did. I trolled through Craig'slist all morning and found a couple of TVs that looked appealing. I sent out some feelers and the first guy who called me back was the one who had the set I was most interested in. It was a 27" Toshiba and the price was good. I called him and we decided to meet at a Mcdonalds off 93.
I took Spira along for the ride and before two o'clock, I had a new, bigger than I realized, television set. Before dropping Spira off, we went to Starbucks and chatted over some lattes. Alley, someone we hadn't seen in a long while, came in at one point and we had a nice, if brief, reunion.
I dropped Spira off and headed back to the house to meet Janelle and Rachael. They were dropping off a mattress. When they arrived, we managed to get its queen-sized bulk up our narrow staircase and into her room. The box spring, however, wasn't so lucky. Afterward, we stood around in the kitchen for a spell and had a nice, intelligent, discussion about politics. Refreshing.
This has been a long post. I hope your eyes aren't sore. Or did you just skim? Yeah, you skimmed. That's ok, I do it myself with your blog.
I'm off to do some relaxin'.
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