All the pearls of China fade astride a volta

Had a dream last night that seemed to last hours. I've been thinking about it all day and I've come to the conclusion that it has some significance because A) It lasted a long time. In fact, I woke up at one point to the sound of Steve noisily dragging his trash barrels to the end of his driveway and, not only did I fall right back asleep, but I returned to the dream. B) it was based on a reoccurring dream and C) Most of the people in the dream I hadn't thought about in a long time. That means something, right? Anyway, I won't get into the meat of it because it would take too long . So, more for myself than for you, I'm going to offer up a quick summary for future reference. I know, I should probably keep a dream journal, but I'm afraid some of you might think of me as a New Age softy if I do.

Dream:

---On a plane. Nervous

---Plane as long and wide as a cruise ship.

---Ken's little sister, who I've never met but have seen on MySpace, on the plane and I flirt with her and ask her out. She's pretty interested.

---Plenty of distractions -- my sister, select friends, Dennis Leary, a holodeck like on Star Trek that simulates a small beach at sunset -- that keep my attention away from the fact that we're flying.

---Our destination is Florida.

Okay, that's enough for me to recall the dream by. Now, let's hand out some more awards, bitches.

More Fun Than Surfing For Porn Award

Bigfoot Podcasts. Sure, sometimes the sound is a little herky-jerky, and a few of the hosts are pretty dim, but overall, these shows rule! I just listened to an utterly engrossing interview with Dr. Jeff Meldrum on Crypto Corner the other night. Enough said.

Runner Up: Bill Simmon's Sports Guy column at ESPN.com. He's my hero. He blends sports with pop culture better than anyone. He's a smart, funny man. Oh, and he's from around here, if that means anything to you.

Song That makes Me Want To Go Running Down The Street Shirtless Like a Norse God

The Strokes Vision of Division. It'll get you pumped up, I tells ya. The musicianship is impressive. Love it when bands hone their skills. If you haven't heard the song before, check it out on their MySpace page.

Colonel Sanders Award for Best Fight Over Chicken Bones That Almost Ended In Murder

Goes to Craig. When he told me the story I'm about to share with you, I wanted to hear it again and again. It was pure gold. You may think it's nothing special --you're a fucking idiot if you do -- but for my money, it doesn't get much better than this. Because events transpired a few months ago, I may be off on some of the facts, but I believe I've got most of it down. Craig, if I misrepresent the truth here and there, you're encouraged to correct me in the comments section.

Okay, so one time when Craig was working at the liquor store, a customer came in and commented that there was a man in the parking lot eating chicken wings in his car and discarding the bones on the ground. Craig did not approve. Not one bit. One of the reasons for this was because Craig had a bad experience with chicken bones involving one of his former, sloppy, roommates. I think she left a batch of them in the toaster oven for a period of weeks or months. Anyway, it grossed him out and, ever since, he and chicken bones have not gotten on well.

I'm not sure if that was the impetus that sent Craig out into the parking lot to confront the chicken bone guy (I told you this was gold), but out he went, his ire up. When he approached the guy's car and asked him to cease and desist with the tossing of chicken bones on the ground, the man, who Craig described as appearing to be middle-aged and normal looking, shouted "Those aren't my fucking bones!!"

Oh, my! Frankly, even if nothing happened after that, this story would still rock the party because of that line. I'm betting Craig didn't expect that response. Maybe "I'm sorry, man, I'll clean 'em up", or even "Why don't you go back inside and let me worry 'bout these bones, you nosy little cunt!", but "Those aren't my fucking bones"? Nope, I wouldn't have seen that one coming.

What followed was a bunch of bickering, and I wasn't able to eke out of Craig exact quotes. Let's imagine, then, what might of have been said, while keeping in mind what transpires afterward.

Craig: If they're not your bones, then whose are they?

Chicken bone guy: Get the fuck out of my face, Sally!

Craig: Look, just clean up your mess. You don't have to get into name calling, sir.

Chicken bone guy: Oh, what's the matter, Marybeth? You don't like name calling?

Craig: No, I don't.

Chicken bone guy: Well, either get used to it, you wretched piece of shit, or go the fuck back inside your little gift shop, or whatever the fuck it is.

Craig: Sir, I'm gonna ask you one more time to clean up your trash.

Chicken bone guy: Or what, Jenny? I oughta horsewhip your face for you, you little piece of shit. Get away from me.

Ok, other things were probably said, but I was going after the essence of the dialog and not exact words. So, after they argued a bit, the chicken bone guy started driving away; slowly, though, so he could hurl some more insults at Craig. It's possible he may have called Craig a dirty, cocksucking whore, but that's mere speculation on my part.

At one point during all of this smack-talking, the chicken bone guy got out of his car, opened the trunk, and pulled out a tire iron, or something close in appearance, and threatened Craig's life. Again, I'm iffy on what he said, but let's just assume he yelled "I'll kill ya, ya son of a bitch! I'll rip out your spine, form it into a noose, and hang your slack form from it! I'll chew off your flesh and regurgitate it down your throat! I'll hunt down your family and friends and conduct mental and physical atrocities on them that would make Baphomet himself shudder in fear! You picked the wrong guy to fuck with, Shortcake!" (I'm assuming he was a big fan of Happy Days)

Realizing his life was in jeopardy over chicken bones, Craig went back in the store and called the police. Can't remember if the cops came by or not, but who cares? You get the gist of it. If you see Craig, have him tell you the story. I just love the fact that Craig had an aversion to chicken bones and it almost got him killed. Well, I don't love the fact about him almost getting killed, but you know what I mean.

Alright, bitches. Seacrest out!