Wowie Zowie, baby, you're so neat

I tend to get sleepy when I write about topics that require me to think, so with that said, I'm not going to tackle any big issues in this post. Of course, now that I think of it, I can't remember the last time I got anywhere near a big issue in this journal, so scratch my opening remarks, except the part about getting sleepy, because that much is true.

I figure I should open up the ol' mail bag and answer some mail since I haven't done it in a while and it is Saturday, after all, the perfect day to perform such a task.

Kevin,

My friend and I have been arguing over this for, like, ever: She thinks the Royal Albert Hall can hold up to ten thousand people, while I maintain it can only nine thousand. Please settle this debate. A steak dinner at a nice restaurant is at stake.

Jesse, from Ontario

Jesse,

Both of you are wrong. The Royal Albert Hall has a capacity of 8,000 people, though it has accommodated up to 9,000. However, modern safety restrictions allow only 5,544 people at one time, including standing in the Gallery. Looks like you'll each be buying your own steak.

Kevin,

What's with all the movies centered around fringe sports, like dodgeball and figure skating, and why does Will Ferrell have to be in most of them?

Bruce,

Brooklyn, New York

Bruce,

I noticed that Will Ferrell is now starring in a basketball movie ---I gleaned this information from a billboard I drove past yesterday. It's all about money and these films are cash cows. And so is Will Ferrell, who, with this current release, is officially typecast as sports comedy movie guy. I hear his next film is about the card game Uno. Should be wild, wacky, stuff.

Kevin,

What is the greatest film of all time?

Perry,
San Francisco, Ca.

Seven Samurai. I just can't think of a movie that succeeds on as many fronts as this one does. I watch it at least once a year and it still blows my mind. But if that film never existed, I'd go with Little Nicky.

Kevin,

How do I go about amusing myself. I only ask this because I'm a humorless prick.

Ted,

Portland, Me.

Ted,

Here's something I do that never fails to make me laugh, and you can do it anywhere. Whenever I'm in a room where people are talking, I imagine they're auditioning for a movie or a play that I'm producing; and what they're saying is actually from a script they memorized. For example, at work today, my mechanic Bill was talking on the phone, and the conversation took on a hilarious dimension once I pretended he was auditioning for me. It's a lot of fun--trust me. All you have to do is sit back and watch. Try it some time, you humorless prick.