Happy days are here again

It's startling how much I've mis-managed my life. Over the years I've realized that, though I am intelligent and personable enough to carry on a conversation, have some artistic talent, and a decent sense of humor, I'm severely lacking in general life skills. Or to put it plainly: I can't take care of myself. This has never been more clearly illustrated than in my current situation.

I've lived in my apartment since June, and haven't worked a day the entire time. I've lived off a small severance package from the job I was laid off from just weeks before I was slated to move, and unemployment checks. To say that finding a job was a top priority from the get go, would be overstating it. I did look in the beginning, just not with any regularity. I put it off, with the idea that I had plenty of time to find work. It wasn't until fairly recently that I stepped up my efforts and searched hard.

My unemployment ran out weeks ago and I'm flat broke. I can't afford to buy anything: food, gas, nothing. I've let matters degenerate to the point where I've put myself into a hole so deep it'll take a miracle to climb out of it. As it stands, the likelihood of me being able to pay rent is slim. Not only that, but I'm behind on all of my other bills. It can be said that I am completely fucked right now. And it's nobody's fault but mine.

Not only did I fuck things up for myself, but it looks like I'll be doing the same for my roommates, one of which vouched for me when I moved in. She is my best friend, but if things don't improve, will probably not be so anymore, and rightly so. If I can't pay rent, they will have to cover it, and they won't be able to do that. I could be responsible for them getting kicked out.

I love my apartment and do not want to leave it. If I do, the only place I'll be able to go will be my parents house, provided they'll take me in. And this wouldn't be the first time, either. I moved back a few years ago, when the house I was living in was sold and the store I was working in closed. If I have to do it again, I don't know what I'll do. The forecast doesn't look very good, so it seems likely.

Why am I sharing this bleak accounting of my life? Mainly because I just had a talk with Spira, my other roommate, about my situation, and there wasn't much I could tell her, no way to reassure her. I listened to her vent about the screw job I'm putting her and Bob through, and all I could tell her was that I'm doing all I can to find work and collect enough money for rent. Beyond that, all I could do was see the look of disappointment and worry on her face. I've seen that look too many times from people in my life. Too many, by far.

Most people in their thirties are established in their lives, have moved steadily up whatever ladder they're on. Most of them are well positioned in their careers, have a significant other, kids, property, etc. I am the negative image of that scenario. In no way whatsoever can I consider myself a success. I do have a good group of friends and family, that's for sure. But, increasingly, I've felt myself more and more removed from the closeness of those relationships. As more time has passed without me having advanced in any noticeable way, in fact regressing in some areas, I've had less in common with those around me. That is not to say they're feelings for me are conditional ---there's been no indication of that---but the shame I've felt over the way I've handled my life, has made it difficult to engage in social activities in any meaningful way.

I realize this is depressing stuff, but I think I need to express it in this way. As much as I've done a number on my life, I don't consider myself a bad person. But, the question I keep asking myself more and more is, "If you can't even take care of yourself in the most basic of ways at this stage in your life, and the only way you seem to get by is with the aid of others, then what is your function on this planet? What are you contributing to this world?". The stark reality is that I'm not contributing and my function, if I even have one, is that of a screwup. It doesn't please me seeing myself this way, but when I pull the veil of illusion aside, it's what I'm left with. My mother often tells me for such a nice guy, I've had the worst luck. The fact that she tells me this often should give you some insight into the way I've managed myself.

My past is littered with disappointment and regret. I remember being in my early twenties, lamenting the fact that I was perennially single, and cheering myself up with the thought that, for all I knew, the girl of my dreams was a year, a month, or a week away. Who knew what the future would hold? Of course, as the years went by, and I was still in the same situation, I was forced to drop that method of cheering me up.

These are the darkest days of my life in a lot of ways. I'm scared because I suspect they will get darker. It's a crapshoot: I could be on the brink of a new, positive turn in my life, the whole darkest before the dawn scenario, or I could find myself in a hole I won't be climbing out of. I know all of this sounds bleak --- I'm generally a positive person with an easy laugh---but it's where I find, or to be more accurate, have led myself. How much mediocrity can I put up with in my life before I've had enough, before I take some course of action to change things? Thus far, the answer is I've put up with a lot and nothing has come from it.

I can't help but think the image my friends and family have of me is one of pity. And if that's the truth, then I believe it is deserved. I'm exposing myself here to people I know and others that I don't. This is my penance; despite the fact that I keep a blog, I'm a private person. Letting out much of my dirty laundry is uncomfortable for me, to say the least.

Tomorrow, I will again search for jobs and pray that I find one. It's all I can do, at this point. I smile bitterly at the pinch I'm in, and wonder why I'm trying to get out of it. Should I bother? Won't I just fuck something else up in the future? Yes to both questions, though I'm not sure as to the why of the former. Maybe it's because it's human nature to keep clawing and fighting, even when things appear to be at their worst. Or is it? I hope it is. What I know is that I have not pulled my weight as a human being for most of my life. What I know is I've found myself in another hole, only this time deeper than any other I've found myself in, and I've dragged others down in it with me. For everything, I apologize to those I've affected.