And I want you and only you, let my heart say this over and over

It's the weekend and I'm thrilled beyond measure. Work went pretty well this week. I was consistently busy and was able to accomplish a lot. Still, there was a feeling, just under the surface, of discontentment. I think it's source was the collective realities of me not getting paid adequately and not feeling appreciated. The latter reality is the far less severe of the two -- I actually do feel appreciated, but just not where it counts -- and my productivity has had more to do with my sense of accomplishment than with being a team player. It's true that I need to be moving on, but it's equally true that I'm grateful to be working at all and, compared to some of the jobs I've had, this one isn't so bad.

Moving on. Today is Craig's birthday (he's either turning twenty seven or sixty eight - can't remember) and after pontificating over it for several hours last night, I decided what to give him as a gift: a sneak peak of my new book, How To Live: A Practical Survival Guide (For Craig And Others). My publisher agreed to let me share some hand-picked selections from the book to celebrate this auspicious occasion. So, here you are Craig, birthday boy du jour. Enjoy, and most importantly, learn.

ON SWIMMING

Swimming offers cool, relaxing enjoyment, and contributes to our overall health, but it can be a dangerous activity. The most important thing to keep in mind is that we aren't capable of breathing water the way we breathe air. That is why it is absolutely essential to hold your breath (see chapter 4 on breathing) when under water. The length of time you remain so can range anywhere from thirty seconds to over a minute, but one thing is certain: without the aid of a foreign breathing apparatus, you will drown (see chapter 8 for more information on drowning) if you stay under water too long. You will know it's been too long when you feel a massive amount of pressure in your lungs, overwhelming panic, and a loosening of the bowels.

ON HANDSHAKES

A key aspect of any introduction or greeting is the handshake. It is not a sign of aggression when someone offers you their hand, despite your natural inclination to flee or defend yourself when this happens. Occasionally, and this will be rare, the offered handshake may be fraudulent (e.g. the hand is pulled away just as you are about to grasp it), but do not allow this to dissuade you. It is important you accept almost every handshake. It is a sign of respectful acknowledgement. Remember, the quality of our existence as a species depends on how well we interact.

ON FOOTWEAR

Because we need to wear shoes (see chapter 10 on the evolution of humankind), it is important that you a) wear the correct size and b) match each shoe to the correct foot. Determining your shoe size can be done with a ruler or tape measure ( see chapter 21 on determining measurements), but I recommend you visit your local shoe store and allow a professional to measure your foot. It's an experience you'll always cherish. As far as matching your shoes to your feet, this is easily done. Our feet have a slight inward curve. The left foot curves to the right and vice versa. Your shoes should do the same. Some find it helpful to write an "L" and "R"('L' indicating 'Left' and 'R' indicating Right) on their shoes as a visual tool. (For advice on tying your shoes, see chapter 22 on shoe tying.)

ON PETS


Nowadays, it is common for humans to share their living quarters with other species. Dogs, cats, birds, fish, and even reptiles can be found in households across the world. This is precisely why you should not be alarmed if, upon entering someone's abode, you encounter one of these animals. A healthy degree of wariness is always wise with any living thing, but in most cases, these encounters won't initiate the predator/prey dynamic found in wilder climes. On the contrary, the encounters will often be pleasant and even therapeutic for all involved. It is always useful to remember that these animals have been domesticated and are not usually a threat to our well being. So, relax and pet that dog or pick up that cat.


Okay, that's all I'm legally able to share at this point. Happy Birthday, C- Biddy!