He's so spacious

Something happened today that has left me so traumatized the only way I can relate it to you is by giving an imaginary press conference. My feelings about the amazing Celtics game last night and the allegations made against Gio by another coworker will have to be put aside for the time being. I'm sorry, but I've got to get this other matter off my chest. So, I present to you my imaginary press conference, my only method of coping.


Thank you for coming. I'll try to be as brief as possible. I'll be happy to answer your questions when I'm through speaking. This morning, while getting ready for work, I entered the bathroom and after spraying a large amount of air freshener---a certain individual had just done his business in there prior to my arrival---I noticed something near the center of the floor. It was about an inch in diameter and brown. Assuming it was a rock or a piece of chocolate, I kicked at it with my foot. To my surprise, my foot went right through the object. Immediately, I realized it was fecal matter and quickly took off the sock that touched it. Disgusted, I cleaned up what was left on the floor and finished getting ready for work.

Throughout the day, I thought about what had taken place. It wasn't pleasant reliving the experience, but I couldn't help myself. Needless to say, it was a distressing day for me. I hope to put it all behind me as soon as I can.

That's all I have to say. I'll field your questions now. Ok, you in the green.

Imaginary reporter: Who was it that left the feces on the floor and do you think it was intentional?

Me: I'd rather not say who the person is quite yet. I'm not sure if the feces was put there intentionally. I don't think so, but....

Reporter: If you discover it was intentional, will you press charges?

Me: I won't rule out the possibility. Yes, you with the hat...

Reporter: Thank you. How is it that you didn't recognize the object for what it was, especially given it's nearness to the toilet?

Me: You have to understand it was pretty early and I didn't have all my wits about me yet. And, I know it sounds silly, but I had been eating chocolate the night before and my brain just latched on to that as one of the things it could have been. And, you know, people, even the lowest among us, know how to use the toilet. Obviously, even given the nearness to the toilet, I just couldn't believe that someone would leave their shit on the floor. I was under the impression that I was living with a human being and not a wild animal. You in the back...

Reporter: Yes, how can you be sure it wasn't you who left the feces on the floor?

Me: Well, I had already been to the bathroom that morning, but only to urinate. I didn't see the poo at that time. If it had been there, I would have either seen it or stepped in it. Our bathroom is fairly small. The individual in question, as he does every single day, snuck in the bathroom in between my visits and took a smelly, rancid dump. I know for a fact that he did so this morning because, like I said, I had to spray, like I do every morning, when I went in there and saw his excrement on the floor. Okay, you in the corner...

Reporter: If what happened was an accident, how do you propose it happened?

Me: I've given it a lot of thought and the only thing I can think of is either A) he walked into the bathroom naked and the poo, encountering no resistance, fell to the floor unimpeded and unnoticed by him or B) he was wearing boxers or shorts and the poo had somehow made its way out without him feeling it's progress. And there is also the possibility that the poo was planted on the floor intentionally. Of the three, I believe the first scenario to be the most likely.

Reporter: Does it bother you that a grown man couldn't control where his excrement went?

Me: Yes, it does bother me. Look, I'm not easily grossed out and Im sure I've done some things that others may deem unpleasant, but I know how to take a shit. I put myself through potty training school and came out the other side with a Masters in shitting. It may be asking too much, but I expect anyone who's been through potty training to be effective shitters. It's not good form to leave your scat all over the place. Having said that, I'll allow that the dropping may have been unintentionally left on the floor as a consequence of his having the stomach flu or some other bowel-related illness, which could have significantly weakened his control of his bodily functions. I'm not in favor of that theory, however, because he didn't miss work and later, when he came home, he was whistling merrily in the kitchen. Not the behaviors one would expect from someone who earlier in the day couldn't keep his feces in check.

Reporter: Did you get any of it on your hands?

Me: Thankfully, no.

Reporter: If the act was intentional, do you think it could have been directed at you?

Me: I was the only other person home at the time, so yes.

Reporter: Can you think of any reasons why this individual would insult you in such a way?

Me: Who the hell knows why anybody does anything? If someone's leaving their shit on the floor to fuck with me somehow, that person is touched in the head and needs some counseling. There's not much more I can say about that.

Reporter: Have you or will you confront this person?

Me: I haven't and I don't think I will. Most likely, what he did was an accident and I'm pretty sure it would embarrass him pretty heavily if I told him what he did. If it happens again, though, I will confront him. Ok, you with the tie...

Reporter: Did the scat look healthy?

Me: Uh, healthy? Well, judging by this person's diet, which consists mainly of Hot Pockets, tater tots, massive amounts of coffee and energy drinks, and pork, I'd say the specimen wasn't exactly healthy.

Reporter: Follow up question: Did the scat emit any kind of odor?

Me: Well, the room, as I stated earlier, already stank something awful. Whether it was from the scat on the floor or the scat that made it to the toilet, I couldn't determine. Okay, next question.

Reporter: Was a sample taken so that it could be tested?

Me: I disposed of the evidence quickly and didn't take a sample. One thing I absolutely sure of, though, is that the feces came from a primate.

Reporter: Where in relation to the toilet was the feces?

Me: About two feet in front of it and about four inches to the left.

Reporter: Will you be more vigilant scanning the floor when you use the bathroom from now on?

Me: You bet. Ok, thank you all for coming.