At work today, Ryan couldn't leave to get lunch because he was so backed up with orders, so I offered to call in and pick up some grub for him. Ryan's a real big kid, and I should have known how the proceedings would go but, even still, I was put off by his selection and the way he went about consuming it. This is hardly noteworthy stuff, but since when have I provided you with anything noteworthy? You're free to back out of this page any time you want; I'm basically writing this for myself so I'll have a written account of what transpired. However, if you're curious to know the answer to these two questions---1. What did Ryan have me order on his behalf? and 2. How did he go about eating it?--- then stick around because your curiosity will be satisfied.
So he had me call the Portugese sub-shop down the block from us and had me order him a large steak n' cheese sub with peppers and onions; ketchup and mustard; and extra cheese. I asked him if he wanted a can of chili on it, too, but after a minute of deliberation, he decided that adding chili might be a bit too much, even for him . I would have preferred it if he had desired something less gas-inducing, like toast, because the bathroom is less than three feet away from my desk. I don't think I need to elaborate.
He ate the sub next to me while I was at the computer working. I didn't watch him eat, because listening to his soggy chewing, lip smacking, and burping was bad enough. He sounded like a pack of hyenas going to town on a gazelle's carcass soaked in gravy, but with less manners. Four minutes hadn't gone by when he finished devouring the sub. It was an awe-inducing and disgusting display. I hope never to witness him eat again. I almost did, though, because when he finished inhaling the sub, he said he enjoyed it so much that he might order another one. My only thought to that statement was, to quote Murtaw, Danny Glover's crotchety detective in the Lethal Weapon movies, "I'm getting too old for this shit".
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1 comment:
Thank goodness he wolfed it down.
I, for one, find it impossible to get any work done while people are eating around me. It used to be that protocol stated you never ate in front of people who weren't eating themselves. There's something to this. But it also makes me think of the poor American worker, who gets used to scarfing down calories as quickly as possible, since he or she often only has five minutes to get the job done. Yes, there's a better way, and no, we can't take it, unfortunately. Humanity be damned.
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