Stuck her with knives in the side of the dawn, and tied her with fences and dragged her down

Today wasn't kind. To begin with, I went in to work, despite hoping for a snow day. My ride in was sketchy. I had called Marcy prior to leaving to see what the status of our day was going to be. She told me not a flake had hit the ground yet in Andover. Not so here in Somerville. Most of my ride was through heavy snow. It wasn't until I reached 95 that it stopped all together. Great, but I wondered what my ride home was going to be like.

Lately, I've been feeling unappreciated at work and haven't enjoyed being there. I don't even want to get into it. Today was no different, which is why I was thrilled when Jeff told us all to leave around two thirty. I didn't have to be told twice.

My ride home was sketchy from start to finish, but I made it one piece. Driving in that gloom, with the sub-current of danger, I felt a keen sense of isolation. I tried getting past it. I hit play on the CD player and listened to Soundgarden for a few minutes before realizing it wasn't the best music to point me in a more positive direction. I opted for sports radio where the topic was the Red Sox. No surprise there, but at least they weren't talking about slitting their wrists.

When I came home, I finished watching Valkyrie, took a nap, and did some yoga. I was looking forward to watching Lost with Mara and Jessica at their place. Before that happened, my self esteem took a good belly punch. I am too embarrassed to go into detail. And then about an hour before I was going to head to her place, Mara called. First a belly punch, now a punch in the jaw.

She asked me if I was still coming over. Of course, I told her.

"Well, here's the thing: Someone else is going to be here."

"Ok"

"Yeah, I just started dating a guy and he's coming over. You should definitely still come, though."

She asked me if it would be weird for me. I told her it wouldn't, but what I should have said was "No matter what my stance on the matter is, how could it not be weird for me? I've only ever known you in one way for two years and now, an hour before I'm going over to your house to join everyone on your bed - yes, your bed, because that's the only place to watch TV - and watch Lost, and you spring this on me. So, yes, it'll be weird for me." And it was.

Because of the snow, and because I wanted to get absorbed in Ziggy Stardust on my Ipod, I walked to Mara's. I got there right as the show was starting. Jessica and I sat on two chairs positioned to the right of the bed and Mara and her new guy, David I think his name is, were on the bed. I should state here that I am not against Mara seeing someone, not in the slightest. We haven't been "seeing" each other for a while now and, if it's a relationship she wants, she's entitled to be in one. I just didn't see it in the cards for us. But still...

And here is where I let it spill out, where I put my ego, my selfishness on the table to flop around like a fish, exposed and vulnerable. Here is some of what I felt at Mara's.

1. Sad. Yes, I felt sad. Mara and I on our first date watched Lost together and now she was watching it with someone else. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw her stroke his shoulder. She has moved on. I'll be more happy for her once the dust has settled, but tonight was that last shovelful of dirt on the coffin.

2. Irritated. I don't think Mara would have been overjoyed if I did to her what she did to me tonight. I wonder if she would have come to my house if the roles had been reversed. I don't think she had an ulterior motive in all this, wasn't trying to hurt me, but I wasn't thrilled at the timing. I'm glad I went over, though.

Look, even though our relationship didn't work out, Mara will always hold a special place in my heart because she said yes when I asked her out ( sounds like I'm kidding, but it's something I haven't heard a lot of), because she's a sweet individual, and because she was always my advocate. She supported me. She was into me. Me. It's for those reasons I've tried to maintain a friendship with her post break up. And it's for those reasons I will continue to try to do so, though I suspect we will be seeing a lot less of each other. The social net shrinks.

It may sound like I'm feeling sorry for myself. I don't think I am. I've taken ownership of the way my life has ended up, the decisions I've made or not made. I'm not, however, going to repress what I'm feeling, even when I know what I'm feeling might be in service of the ego, and thus false. Ah, fuck it. I don't have the energy to keep this going. I just want to curl up. Maybe I'll expound in another post or maybe I won't. I'll feel better tomorrow, but today I took some blows. Today I feel a little more alone.