For there's a man down there, might be your man, I don't know

When I was a junior in high school, I joined a band that, even with my addition, wasn't a proper band. One essential element was missing: a drummer. As it stood, it was me on guitar and vocals, Jim on bass, Mammoth on keyboards, and Kevin, who didn't play an instrument, but was somehow part of the band. More on him later. We eventually ended up getting The Kremlin to play drums, which led to the forming of a different band, and the forging of many lasting friendships, but that is a story for another time.

I found out early on that Mammoth and Kevin thought very highly of their efforts at songwriting. Before my arrival, they had written the lyrics to at least ten songs. Because I was going to be the one singing them - something I was dubious about before I read a single line - they sat me down at practice one day and handed me the lyrics to the first song we'd be working on. It was called "3-3-4-5".

"I don't get it. What does that mean?", I asked.

They looked at each other with conspiratorial smiles. "You don't know what that means?", John asked.

"Nope." I knew it was something sexual; a quick scan of the lyrics suggested that much. I just couldn't figure out in which way.

"Guess", Kevin said.

"Okay, uh... is it the combination to one of your lockers? Encrypted code? Lottery numbers? Seriously, I have no idea."

They were downright giddy at this point. "Add the numbers up", John said.

"Okay. I came up with fifteen. I don't get it."

"No, you've got to add the first two numbers. That's your first number. Then add the second two numbers for your second number",Kevin said.

"Uh, ok, I get it: three and three is six and four and five is nine. The two together make...

"69", they exclaimed in unison.

Oh, wonderful. I should note here that my relationship with misogynistic hard rock had ended amicably a year or two before. Even still, I was willing, because there were a limited number of musicians to play with in my school, to forgive some lyrical trespasses if need be. Besides, I reasoned, by the time these songs see the light of day, I'll either be on my way out of the band or will have altered them beyond recognition. "Wow, 69. I get it now", I said unconvincingly.

From what I remember of the song, there was no mention of 69, sexually speaking or otherwise. There were plenty of oral sex references, however, but no 69. The song was from the point of view of a band member (it didn't take a astrophysicist to figure out we were the band in question), and chronicles his experience with one of his fans.

"Dancing on your knees and walking on your toes/You turn the guys heads at every show/ Let me see how it's going to be/ Start the show and then let me know"

Now, I can see what was meant by dancing on your knees. Obviously a reference to a blow job. But the walking on your toes bit is beyond me. Maybe they were attending a ballet. Anyway, it's apparent the narrator has taken a shine to one of his whorish fans and is interested in partaking in some sexual relations with her.

And the chorus.

" 3-3-4-5! Down on your knees. Are you going to please?"

It's so ridiculous! As I write this, I wonder if, at the time, they were mistaken as to what the sexual connotation of 69 was. It makes sense, if you use the words to the chorus as a guide, that they believed the position involved someone giving a blow job on their knees. I suppose I'll never know.

"3-3-4-5!. I'll make you smile, riding me high"

So I guess at some point there's intercourse.

Back to Kevin, the non-member/member of the group. He had numerous roles. He served as songwriter, manager, security, and resident dancer (no shit - sometimes he'd do a weak James Brown imitation during a song). And he sucked at all of them.

Once I was established in the band, I kept hearing about this song Mammoth and Kevin were working on. It was their masterwork, their epic -- they had been working on it diligently for months - - and it was called Girl/Boy Bed. Alas, I never got to see the lyrics to that one. I was out of the band before that could happen. All I knew from it was one of the lines from the chorus. "Girl/Boy bed, Ooh, my head". Seriously, they had worked months on that one.

Oh, and in case you're interested, I eventually changed "3-3-4-5" to "L-I-V-E" and reworked the lyrics completely.