Saw Mara last night. Before I headed over to her place, I wondered if seeing her this early was such a good idea. I hadn't thought it was, but I had been told by a couple of friends that they did, that I might be giving her the wrong idea by seeing her so soon. I'd be giving her the wrong idea if I went over there and had sex with her, I thought. But just hanging out? I had felt assured, based on conversations with her throughout the week, that getting together would not be detrimental; in fact, it would be a healthy thing to do, provided, of course, we kept it platonic.
It wasn't easy.
I realized, almost immediately upon entering her apartment, that 1) I was, for lack of a better word, horny, and 2) Mara wasn't going to prevent me from pursuing a sexual course of action. Complicating matters even more, she appeared to be quite welcoming of such a scenario.
I felt myself entertaining the idea of having my cake and eat it to. It was the same type of rationalizing addicts on the wagon employ: "If I have this one shot, cigarette, joint, fix, huff, whatever; I'll have the best of both worlds: I won't be addicted, but I'll still be able to reap the benefits of the addiction". It's a slippery slope, that thought process, and no one gets out of it alive. Yet practically the whole lot of us are weak, fallible, and selfish in varying degrees and walk headlong into traps we think we can outsmart.
Fortunately, I had enough presence of mind to keep my hands off her and her hands off me. We went over to Yoshis and had some sushi (the black dragon maki headlined) and then went back to her place and watched Knocked Up on her lap top. In bed.
We had two options: watch the film on her bed or on her couch. I told her I didn't care where we watched it, but it would have behooved me to endorse the couch. We'd been broken up only a week; maybe not such a good idea to share a bed. Oh, the games we play. She chose the bed, of course and I didn't protest because I am weak, fallible, and selfish.
Throughout the movie, she edged closer to me. I remained still, but I wondered why I had put myself in this position. Hell, I knew why, but I thought I was smarter than that. Miffed at my weakness, and going over in my mind how shitty things could turn out if I slept with her, I strengthened my resolve to abstain from anything resembling sex. I was randy, to be sure, but I knew I could put the fire out when I got home later. Thank God for that. So, I kept my focus on the movie and when it ended, I said goodnight and went home. A narrow escape? I'd like to think not, that I was fully in control of the situation at all times, but things could have easily swayed in the other direction.
In the end, I'm not sure if I saw her too soon. I felt like Luke when he went to confront Vader at the end of The Empire Strikes Back. It was dubious there for a while, but he made it out alive, and stronger for it. Yeah, I could have waited a while, but I'm glad we hung out when we did, my horniness notwithstanding. I figured as long as I was able to stick to the script, which I deviated from more times than I would have preferred, things would run smoothly, and for the most part they did. It's important to me that Mara knows I was serious when I told her I meant to continue being her friend.
Oh, Knocked Up was pretty cool.
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I worked on a new song last night and I think it's pretty good. Need to attach some lyrics to it and it should be on its way. Afterward, I read from Nick Redfern's Memoir of a Monster Hunter, which reads like a marriage between Hunter Thompson and The X-Files.
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My cousin Michelle is getting married next Saturday. The other day I talked to my mother about the wedding. She asked me if I was going, which I thought was a strange question because only a few days prior to our conversation, I had told her I was going to attend, that I had just RSVP'd, indicating as much.
Once she was satisfied that I was going, she asked me if I had my clothes ready. I told her it was a little early for me to start getting getting my outfit ready, but not to worry, I'd show up to the wedding fully clothed and presentable. She offered to iron my clothes for me. When I laughed, she said she was serious and wouldn't mind. I thanked her, but said it wouldn't make much sense for me to drive an hour round trip so my mother could iron my clothes. I assured her I'd be able to dress myself just fine. I didn't tell her, however, that I wasn't going to wear a suit. Well, she'll find out soon enough.
Off to watch some Lost. I've finally been able to start watching online again. I'm near the end of the third season and I'm hoping I'll be caught up by the time the new on starts.
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