Tell him what we said about Paint it Black

Another chaotic day at work, but I'll refrain from giving an account. Why bother? Even now, when the negative thoughts are attempting to flay my psyche, I'm not about to blather on about how much things suck. I'm going to take a cold shower because it's humid and because I feel filthy. Then I'm going to do what I've been doing all week, which is write some music and watch the Wire. I will fit in a session of meditation and try to accomplish some reading. That's it; that's my Friday night and I'm fine with that. Tomorrow night will be another story. I hope.

I just made a chile lime chicken burger courtesy of Trader Joe's and it was a truly transcendent experience. Trader Joe's, will you marry me? Your honor, I'd like withdraw that last question on the grounds that it was lame. Overruled? With all due respect, your honor, go fuck yourself!

I missed Lebron James single handedly tear up the Detroit Pistons last night. Double OT and King James literally won the game himself, scoring twenty nine of the last thirty points in the game. You've got to give some credit to his teammates, though; they knew enough to get out of his way. Not as easy as it seems. It's why they get paid the big bucks.

Ok, I'm all tapped out. What d'ya say we dip into the mailbag and answer some questions from my readers?

Sir,

How do I get the taste of cum out of my mouth? Please respond quickly.

Lil Mikey Mac, Nashua NH

Well, Lil' Mikey, I can't say I've been in that situation before, but I think I know what can help you with your problem. It's a three step process: 1. brush your teeth three times and rinse thoroughly. 2. Floss. You've got to make sure there are no, um, stray hairs lurking about, if you catch my drift. 3. Break out the mouth wash. Listerine's the only one that will work in this instance. Hope I've been helpful.

p.s. I'm not suggesting you give up this habit, if that's what it is, but keep in my mind what happened to Rod Stewart. I'd hate to see you reach that point.


Kevin,

Why don't you have a picture up on your profile. It's well known that you're very attractive, so what gives?

Jay Nelle, Milford, NH


Jay,

First off, thanks for the compliment. I agree, I am very attractive, but I want people to focus on my impressive writing and not my pretty face. Maybe someday I'll throw up a pic, but don't get your hopes up. I've been tossing around the idea of starting another blog that deals exclusively with pictures of me. And yes, I'm even considering posting some nude shots. Stay tuned.

Master,

I'm so sick of bagels. How do I make them exciting again?

Florian Fricke, Germany

Florian,

I thought you passed away, but maybe I'm thinking of someone else. Here's the deal: Toast your bagel and I mean really toast the fucker. Don't worry if it blackens a little bit. That's what you want. Then, I want you to spread some butter on one half. Next, sprinkle some garlic powder on it. Not too much, mind you. For the other half, I want you to spread some sunflower seed butter on it. Spread as much as you like, no one will be watching you. Remember, this is about you and what makes you happy, so go ape shit with that butter. That's all you have to do. Happy eating, Florian!