There's a hole in the bucket, dear Liza

My day started well; I was energetic and lighthearted. As the day progressed, I started feeling strange. Not in pain, not even uncomfortable, but strange. Around one o'clock, I experienced a very strong wave of deja vu. It was like a prophecy coming to pass, with a rapid convergence of preordained moments that pieced together like a puzzle. It was such a strong feeling, it left me disoriented.

I was at my desk when it happened. I stretched behind me to put a file down and when I positioned myself back to my computer everything felt familiar, significant. Jeff came into the office. I knew it a split second before it happened. Things falling into place. And once Jeff arrived, I knew he would soon be calling us into the office to tell us we were closing up shop.

He did so about a half hour later. He told us that unless a miracle happens, we'll be closing up shop very soon. He's been trying to figure a way to keep us running, but business has not been good, he and Chris, his wife, haven't been making any money for a long time. If we do stay open, it will mean more cuts in hours. He advised us to look for work and not depend on us staying afloat. Maureen cried, the rest of us sat in silence. It was evident Jeff hated telling us, but he didn't want to forestall it any longer.

In two weeks, we'll meet back with him and he'll tell us what he's decided. As for me, I'm going to be as positive as I can. I have to be. If I'm not, if I fall into despair, then I am doomed. If I focus on how fucked up I'll be if I don't have a job, I will never get one. No, I'm going to adopt as carefree and self-assured attitude. I'm going to resist negativity as best as I can. I'm going to attract into my life a new job if this doesn't work out. I am going to ignore the odds against this happening when I need it to happen and assume that it already has happened, if you catch my drift. "Act as if" will be my mantra.

I was not surprised when I heard the news. I knew ahead of time. I've known for some time now that I'm on the cusp of some change, probably significant. The deja vu/ prophecy told me as much. Now is not the time for despair. I may be on the fast track to disaster, to the lowest point I've ever been, but you know what, I don't think so. When I was talking to my mother earlier, I told her it was fifty fifty which way I'm headed. When my head is clear about it, I don't have the sense I'm headed in the wrong direction. We'll see, I guess.

Some interesting times ahead. In a couple of months, my life will be quite different. At the very least, I won't be living with Janelle and BBZ anymore. Who knows. The C's are on tonight and I'm going to watch them play and act as if things are going to be alright, perhaps even better than they've been. In a lot of ways, change will be a relief. One thing is clear: I can't keep living the way I have been. The goal, though, is to head onward and upward.

After work, I threw the yoga mat down and had a good session. I felt strong, flexible. Sometimes I forget how much more fit I've become, how much better my body feels. I needed the reminder.