I love sitting by the riverside, watching the water go flowing by

I just came from Facebook and I am up to date with every morsel of minutia that many feel the need to share. I really can't sort out the way I feel about this, except to say that it mostly baffles and annoys me. Let's explore why, shall we.? Let's pontificate, let's mull, let's get to the bottom of this so, when we rise to the top, we will be enlightened, better people.

First, for the benefit of those unfamiliar with Facebook, I'll explain what I'm talking about here. Very briefly, though, because I assume most of you are already well versed in Facebook, probably more than me, and I'm eager to get on with things.

So Facebook is like Myspace, except you don't need to travel to see what your friends are up to; they come to you. The only expended effort involves logging in and clicking Home. Once there, you'll, if you've accumulated a fair number of friends, view a page full of their activities, great and small. Mostly small.

There are two popular methods in which people share their information. One is to offer a headline; this is usually less open to discussion then the updates, which I'll cover in a minute, and is more a general statement. This statement appears prominently next to your profile picture on your home page. Here are a few examples:

"Joe is NOT looking forward to going back to work tomorrow"

"Kelly is all about Obama"

"Guillermo would rather everyone call him Mo"

The updates are, with many people, frequent, and encourage comments. They are the same as headlines, except that they're up to date, hence the reason I call them updates. And they are the principal source of my annoyance and bafflement.

Relevance varies, but as far as I'm concerned a good lot of it is irrelevant. But that is just me talking and, who knows, by the end of this post, I may have swung the other way. That's why I'm writing this, people: I'm trying to get a better understanding of this process. I don't just say I hate something without giving it some serious thought. That is why I have a pure heart.

So hare are some categorized examples of updates:

Irrelevant and boring

Kenny Whitmore just pulled a piece of lint of his sweater

Jenny McShane took a swig of orange juice

Miguel Burgenshordironvaille just raised his index finger a quarter of an inch

What amazes me is that these types of updates engender responses from people. Miguel's may get some like these:

Lilly Forg : "Wow, that's so weird -- I just moved my finger, too. We have so much in common; let's be a couple"

Desmond Rittle: "Maybe we should have a threesome, cuz I'm like the same way!!!!!!"

Lilly Forg: " OMG, you too?!?? What the F? We totally need to hang out."

Miguel Burgenshordironvaille: " Des and Lilly -- my place at eight? LOL"


Irrelevant but fairly interesting

Jack Riley just saw a monkey slap another monkey at the zoo. (Actually, that's pretty damn relevant and interesting, but I have a feeling you disagree, so I'll leave it)

Luke Warm just ate french fries with my landlord.

Skar Watanabe thinks ER is funnier than Scrubs

Now, I guess the problem I have with the aforementioned updates, particularly the boring ones, is that they scream "Hey, look at me! I need constant attention. Love me, hold me". The worst offenders are the ones who give updates every few minutes, which makes me wonder how they go about it. Are they in the middle of something, like shampooing their child's hair, and then feel compelled to rush over to their computer with wet, sudsy, hands and announce the act on Facebook? I don't know. I just don't know.

The relevant:

Luke Warm just shot a load all over his computer monitor. (This is not irrelevant and boring because of the bravery it took to share this unflattering and messy information)

Archie Saddlebottom is about to put a pistol in his mouth and blow his fucking brains out because this life made him weary and bitter. (This is relevant not because of what he's about to do but why he's about to do it. Know what I mean?)

Wanda Pittsnoggle thinks Seven Samurai and Heart of Glass are brilliant movies. (Rock on, Wanda. You are sooo right!)

Fith McGarson just found out he's going to be a father

Jed Havenmireshire is looking to have sex tonight with absolutely anyone. Who's interested?

These updates, in my professional opinion, are worthy of response. Why? Because I say so, that's why. Do you see how combative you can be?

Okay, now that I've enraged a bunch of you, let me say a few things before I end this that will hopefully assuage you. First, all of the comments, relevant or otherwise, are better, in the long run, than nothing at all. And what else is Facebook for, if not a source of communication? These people are using it the way it should be used. Just because I'm not inclined to share every aspect of my life (I would never dare do such a thing, that's why I blog), doesn't mean others aren't. And what's the harm? As ornery as some of these updates can make me, in the end, I don't mind them so much. Feel better now, ya big baby? You can go Facebook (when it becomes a verb, that's when you know it's taken hold of you) to your heart's content, friends, without further criticism from me, the big softie. I'm serious, go on now -- tell everyone about the dead ant you saw on the ground; your peeps need to know.