Since it's the end of the year, I've decided, in a fit of originality, to create a best/worst of awards list for 2007. As this type of thing is seldom, if ever, done, you may want to read it over a few times in order to fully comprehend what's going on. Don't worry, you'll love it. So, without further ado, I present to you my list.
Best place to gawk at hot chicks while buying groceries award:
Shaw's in Porter Square.
A 180 degree shift I never in my wildest dreams saw coming this time last year award:
The Celtics total domination of the NBA. Thank you Danny Ainge for KG, Ray Ray, James Posey, et al.
TV show that I wanted to like more than I did award:
The Wire. Yeah, it's decent, but next to Rome, The Sopranos, and Deadwood, it can't compete.
Best bagel award:
Thomas' deli style honey-oatmeal bagel. Every morning, without fail.
Best book that I just started reading today, but have a feeling will be better than all the books I finished over the course of the year award:
The Blade Itself, by Joe Abercrombie
Least newsworthy story that became big news award:
Ellen's weep-athon on her show over a dog. Hey, I love dogs, but do you see me crying over them on my show? Nope, I'm a professional.
Best conversation piece award:
The Cup Girls video. Sure beats small talk about the weather.
Bravest motherfuckers out there award:
9/11 truthers. Half the population thinks they're crazy and, considering we're entering, and quickly, a fascist state, there's a good possibility their well being is at risk. Don't forget what ze Germans did back in the day.
Most overrated, overhyped album award:
Neon Bible, by Arcade Fire. Yeah, it's pretty good when it's not trying to be Bruce Springsteen, but c'mon, is it really THAT good, like all the indie-hipsters are saying? No, it is not.
Best Documentary award:
Heima, a film by Sigor Ros. Every second of it is a testament to the power and beauty of art with a capital "A".
Best shouting match award:
Me and Bob TV going at it during his move. There was venom-spewing, tears (Bob's), implied threats of violence (mine), a brief reconciliation with hugs, foot stomping, false bravado, the works. It spanned days and I'll probably never have another fight like it.
Most disturbing book that was impossible to put down award:
The End of America, by Naomi Wolf
Caught masturbating award:
Bob TV. The funny thing about it was I knocked on his door and he said "come in". After a minute or two, he let on that he had been in the process of rubbing one out in front of the computer when I knocked. It explained the sweaty face and immobile hand positioned deep in his lap. I suggested, crazy me, that perhaps next time he says "I'm busy" , "Come back in twenty minutes", or anything that wouldn't grant me immediate entry to his room. I even would have accepted "Dude, I'm about to cum all over myself. Let me finish sorting through this mess and I'll come see you directly".
Shows that had me crying from laughing so hard award:
The Office, UK and US
I"m Alan Partridge
Extras
Curb Your Enthusiasm
I usually find most comedies obtuse and decidedly unfunny, but I was lucky with these shows. Brilliant!
Best hot drink award:
Starbuck's peppermint white chocolate mocha latte with whipped cream. Holla!
Best DVD commentary award:
Norman Hill and Werner Herzog for Rescue Dawn. Their commentaries are always as entertaining as the films themselves.
Recovery of the year award:
Roger Ebert's battle back from cancer that took him away from reviewing films for too long. Now that he's back in the saddle, I'm overjoyed, mostly for selfish reasons, but overjoyed, nonetheless.
Best purchase of the year award:
The Ipod Nano. Use it every day.
Cryptozoological event of the year award:
Most would say it was the picture of a purported juvenile Sasquatch taken by a hunter's trail cam in Pennsylvania, but I contend it was the wood debris-covered snow mounds found in California's Sierra Nevadas by Bigfoot researchers that presented more solid evidence. The picture was interesting, but at this point, most agree that it was a mangy bear and not a teeny-bopper bigfoot.
Best film that was finally released to the public after Allen Klein came to his senses and did the right thing:
El Topo, by Alejandro Jodorowsky
Best film that was even more fucked up than El Topo:
The Holy Mountain, by Alejandro Jodorowsky
Best sneeze:
A tie between my roommates Kreg and Rich
Even grosser than the Cup Girls video award:
The Pain Olympics video.
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Ok, there may be a part II, but for now I'm going to wrap this up. Stay tuned.
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