I came out two days on your tail

For the last week, I've bandied about the idea of retiring this blog. More than bandy, actually; I was pretty committed to the notion. The reasons I was prepared to take this measure are multi-fold, as are the reasons I've decided, at least in the meantime, to continue writing in this format.

I have to say, I didn't see it coming, this potential retirement. I had been pleased with my recent posts, even, and perhaps, especially the ones that shuttled off the planet into realms bizarre and depraved. Content aside, I was satisfied with the overall flow and structure. And with content considered, I was happy to see my writing given a creative jolt. In fact, these flights of fancy were therapeutic. Much of it was written to cheer me up during some difficult times. It's hard to be down when you're writing about your roommates drugging and sexually abusing you or about your landlord's brother spying on you in the shower via a camera in the drain. If nothing else, these posts lightened up an otherwise dark period.

Which brings me to why I was poised to put an abrupt end to it all. When I started this blog, my aim was to stick to a few guidelines regarding who and what I wrote about. Here's the gist:

--Do not write about any one's personal problems, even if it relates to me, unless given permission. And even then, use caution. So, if Ark Mitton has been snorting coke off the pool boy's chest for the last two years unbeknownst to his wife Ecky, I'm not going to report on it, as tantalizing as the story may be. Even if I was the pool boy, would I steer clear of that situation.

--If someone asks to be left out of the blog, leave them out. Depending on the context, however, I'll continue to write about them, only I'll give them a pseudonym. I've only done this once, and only because this person has an active membership in my life. Still, though, the pseudonym doesn't grant me carte blanche to reveal more about them than I would otherwise.

-- Everything else is up for grabs.

I stayed true to the guidelines and,while there was the occasional need to omit certain events and situations, I wasn't hamstrung in my writing. It helped that, from the outset, my aim was never to mirror a gossip rag. However, over time it became increasingly difficult to write about things that mattered to me because of the people involved. Case in point: the anonymous woman I've pined over throughout the blog. There was an internal struggle going on that I only scratched the surface of. Wanting to spare her and myself potential embarrassment, I chose, and rightly, I believe, not to expound on the situation. But I wanted to, if only to sort out my feelings.

Even when I wrote highly fictionalized accounts of some of the people in my life, I realized, by portraying them in an unflattering light---to wit: Kreg in a Swiss Miss outfit about to rape me---there was the possibility they would misinterpret my intentions and find the whole thing offensive. Which was why I was careful to select people who knew my sense of humor or people, like my landlord's brother, who I was positive would never read my blog. Still, though, I think I may have made at least one person uncomfortable and, though that was not my intention, I can understand why.

I came to the conclusion that perhaps the best option for me would be to keep writing, but not in this format. If I kept a private journal, one that only I would have access to, I could really let loose. I'd be able to write about anyone and everything I wanted to. And, let's face it, I haven't exactly been providing a service to anyone with this blog, at least as far as I know. What I should have done was just dropped it. No need for a friggin' press conference.

Anyway, I'm still not sure what I'm going to do. A part of me is ready to move on to something else, a new format. Another part, however, is still having fun with this one, and is of a mind to write about any damn thing it wants to write about. And why not? I'm not forcing anyone to read this. Damn straight!

Anyway, I'll probably keep this going, and if I feel the need to be more private with my writing, I can always keep a concurrent blog. So, if you can stomach more posts about things mundane and things depraved, and things in between, then stick around. If my writing unsettles you, I offer my condolences.

So long.