I've got my spine, I've got my orange crush

Another day that was excruciating overall with some okay moments here and there. I'm really beginning to veer towards the belief that this world I live in is a cold, uncaring place. I'm also finding evidence to support the notion that there are forces at work behind the veil fucking with me. I also hate that I'm probably under the spell of the egoic mind and all of the above is not true yet feel helpless to snap out of it.

The above is nutty, I  know. And, disappointingly, it's indicates an abandoning of whatever positivity I've infused in this blog. I've done my best to champion the positive over the negative here and, in that, I think I've been successful, but I'd be lying if I said everything is coming up roses. This is a really difficult time for me and I'm trying to get through it. It has all the markings of a losing battle.

Ah, but maybe it has to go this way for me before things can get better. Right now, I don't believe it one bit; with hindsight, who knows.

One good thing from all of this* is I've been practicing a lot of yoga as a ways to cope. Every time a wave of stress crashes into me, I go right to yoga. The bathroom stall at work has seen many cramped but useful sessions. At one point today, when I really felt like I was being fucked with by a dark hand and wanted to crawl out of my skin, I was literally climbing the walls. Well at least the wall of the stall. When I found myself straddling the top, I snapped back to the present when I realized how fucked up that would look to someone, like my boss, coming into the bathroom. That one would have been impossible to explain.

So despite this feeling of being at the tail end of a losing battle, I still have some fight and it's not as if I'm constantly in a state of despair. Thank God for The Big Three podcast; they make me laugh heartily every day to and from work. Thoughts do appear that every single thing about life is awful, but they are not true. It's not all bad, to be sure, but things need to get better, and I emphasize the word need.

C'mon, Universe, come through for me! I'm not such a bad fellow.

* All of this, everything I've been cryptic about, refers primarily to the stress of living in poverty.