Life has been hard; sometimes it feels like it's been that way always, but I know it hasn't. Too often I feel like I'm on the razor's edge of total annihilation. It's a fearful way to live. But how to get out of it? It's great knowing there are problems that need to be addressed, but when you believe you don't have the will to go through with it, that you face a sheer, mile high, cliff and have to climb it free hand at night in the stinging rain, well, the task seems daunting.
Impossible.
Not impossible: challenging.
Look, I'm spent and don't have the energy or desire to stoke the flames of what I'm going through. But there is this:
After work today I began my yoga session with fifty repetitions of a vinyasa sequence. Until recently, I'd only been doing twenty. The increased amount has been more of a mental challenge than a physical one; keeping focused can be difficult.
Anyway
Reaching fifty reps today was a motherfucker and I got though it. Self loathing, fearful thoughts tore at my attention; Around thirty, they were brutal and had almost complete command over me. By the time I reached forty, there were tears. The pauses between repetitions became longer so I could collect myself. Images of my father came to mind with the accompanying surge of chest-tightening, breath sucking anguish.
You are going to lose everyone you care about; you will die alone and afraid; you are an abject failure; you are not fit to live in this world. These assaults, and more, battered at my psyche, but I kept going. Defiance. I said fuck you a lot.
Defiance. It was there, so there is that.
Peace
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