This is the end of everything that stands, the end

I haven't touched much upon it in this blog, but over the last several weeks my behavior and thoughts have reached alarming peaks. I've been trying to maintain, but lately the darkness has almost completely engulfed the light. I've tried to take solace in God, in my spirituality, but it hasn't seemed to help. This has disturbed me greatly. I've spent my entire adult life, off and on, pursuing a spiritual path. When I've been at my worst, which has been lately, I've prayed deeply and openly, from a  place of fragility and anguish. My prayers have been met with silence. I'm left to conclude that either God does not exist or God is as indifferent to me as I am to an ant on my driveway. I don't know.

Today, like just about every day, I experienced terrible thoughts. Raving, angry calls for my demise. That sort of thing. I've been able to counteract these torrents well enough, but my grip on the light has been slipping with each passing day. I see how things are developing; there is resignation more than fear. The walls are closing in and I can't see a way out.

In my clearer moments, I wonder if the intensity of these outbursts has to do with the fact that I've actively been attempting to marginalize my ego. Perhaps it's acting like a cornered animal, hence the ferocity. I don't know.

A ray of light on the horizon? God, I hope so.

Today was horrible. After a trying day at work, I drove to my mom's for dinner. Once again, I had to sit in traffic that was backed up for miles. When I got off the highway, my intention was to stop off at the grocery store and pick up a couple of lobster rolls for my mother. My dad used to get them for her on special occasions. I figured I'd keep up the tradition on Valentine's Day.

It took me twenty minutes to move a half mile. When I finally got to the store, they didn't have lobster rolls. I bought her an orchid instead. When I arrived at the house, we sat down for dinner and then things went south quickly and dramatically. Basically, what happened is that I told my mother I haven't been doing well and then my she carried on about how I haven't done anything with my life and how worried that makes her. There's a very fine line separating worried and disappointed. I'm not sure I ever really made my parents proud. Regarding my father, I'll never know.

So I left. I was only there for about twenty minutes. I know my mother loves me, but it seems that in her eyes, I'm just a fuck up. She would never put it that way, but it's evident that's what she thinks. I can't disagree with that assessment; my life can easily be judged as mediocre across the board. Doesn't mean I'm an evil person, just one who hasn't accomplished much. The thing I'm good at, music, my mother doesn't seem to care about. It's a non factor.  When I told her I wanted to play a show for my father and that I wanted her to be the guest of honor, she declined. I invited my sister; she, too, declined. That hurt. The way my mother sees it, I should go work at a factory or the Post Office. In other words, take whatever menial job I can find that pays well and stick with it. "What else are you going to do?"

On my way home, I got caught in another traffic jam. Three in one day! While I sat there, I realized my predicament, how fucked I am. I don't know what to do or who to talk to. I upset my mother (great job, Kev - and on Valentine's Day, too!) and I'm going to stay away from her. After all she's gone through with my dad passing, the last thing she needs is my bullshit.

Anyway, that is what's happening now. I'm going to go practice yoga and maybe things will get better. Perhaps I'll emerge with a fresh perspective. I'll play some music; the songs having been coming often and fully formed. They're some of the best I've written. Maybe I'll even meditate. What if, even at my lowest point, the lowest I've ever been (this is unfortunately very true), I take a positive action, a fuck you to the misery? What if, say after an hour of raving and frothing like a madman, I sit down and meditate? What if I go to sleep and try again tomorrow?

Yes, what if.