It is Saturday morning. I'm sipping on coffee and listening to Rachel's wonderful Selenography. It's a fitting accompaniment to this quiet, snowy morning. When I'm finished here, I'll practice yoga and perhaps meditate. There had been talks of going up to Peterborough, NH to watch a production of Young Frankenstein at Harlow's Pub followed by a night of revelry at Rachael and Mike's, but it seems as if that's not happening. Show me the flow and I will go with it. That is all I can do.
I have been feeling better since my last post. After it was published, I went and had a vigorous session of yoga, followed by some reading of A Course In Miracles. I had mentioned that God had been silent regarding my despair, but with hindsight I don't believe that is the case. What got me thinking that way was expectation. I expected a certain type of response and when it didn't come my way, I felt abandoned, betrayed, and gullible for believing in something I deemed intangible. Expectations come weighted with disappointment; I keep having to learn that.
That night I felt God, but not in the way I thought I would. I can't adequately express how, but something happened. God wears many masks. This path has not been easy, especially not lately, but I'm proud that I keep getting up after being beaten down. I know my last post seemed awful in its way; a sniveling and sad diatribe, a whiny thing; but it was honest and portrayed the way I felt. I debated whether to publish it, but I reasoned that doing so would be beneficial. As uncomfortable as it is to review it, I'm glad I did.
My mother sent me a nice email the other day and we are on good terms. I don't have it in me to follow through on keeping grudges; despite initial intentions, I always end up erring on the side of harmony. Sometimes I wish that wasn't the case, but I'm better for it in the end.
The weekend is here and I need it. It was another long, trying week. I will finish reading The Trial and will continue my Dark Tower re-read with The Wastelands. Hopefully, I will be social. I will not think too far in advance but changes have to happen and I need the inspiration and will to set me on the proper path to enact them. There has been much darkness, but there has been light, ever present, and I will hold to it for dear life.
Namaste
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
1 comment:
Kevin, I am glad to hear that your spirits are higher today because I hate to see you so sad. You are a kind and friendly person of whom many people are very fond.
As a veteran of the ups and downs I know how difficult the roller coaster can be. However, I am also very impressed by your ability to fight the blues and to look at the positives of life. (Which is something that I still struggle with on almost a daily basis.) I agree that sometimes it is necessary and even therapeutic to get it out so that the bad thoughts and feelings don't fester but it is equally important not to dwell on those bad thoughts for too long. Take care and don't hesitate to reach out if need be. :)
Post a Comment