Once my heart was filled with the love of a girl, I held her close but she faded in the night

I'm back home. It was with heavy heart that I left Missy, but, despite the closeness we shared, she's not my dog. Someday I'll adopt one, and if she's half as sweet as Missy, I'll be fortunate. Yes, it was tough saying goodbye, but I'll see her again. It wasn't like what happened with Serena; I hope she's alive and well, but I somehow doubt it.

Before Ali moved her stuff in to Spira's yesterday, we took Missy and Ali's dog, Cider, to the dog beach in Nahant. Ali and I did some swimming and the dogs had a blast exploring and chasing each other and other dogs around.

When I arrived home last night, I was delighted to find the apartment was fairly clean. I had wondered if the guys had let the place go in my absence. I was impressed, so much so that I was able to overlook the condition of the toilet (don't ask) and a couple of other trifling matters.

Fred told me Marie, our landlord, had passed away last week. It was a blessing. She hadn't been in good shape for a long time (years ago, when I moved in, I thought she looked ready to depart) and, of late, she had been completely overcome with dementia. We'd hear her banging the walls upstairs and yelling for her brother Rick every time he left the house. It was sad.  Fred added that he heard from a neighbor that Rick was toying around with the idea of selling the house. I wasn't distressed at hearing that; increasingly, I've been feeling the desire to move. But where? How?

It could be that I'm delusional, but I feel things will fall into place. I'm ready for some changes and my resolve is strengthening to seek and receive them. Sometimes I think I'll always be a perennial fuck up, but, I don't know, something tells me that might not be the case anymore. Hey, wait a minute: did I just call my self a  perennial fuck up? What an asshole! I'm not a fuck up! I'm a radiant being, with the purest of hearts and lovely eye lashes.

Starting tonight, I'm going to listen to part one of a sixteen part lecture Ram Dass gave on the Yogas of the Bhagavad Gita I found on YouTube. Each part is close to an hour long. I've listened to bits over the last few days, but I'm going to give it my complete attention. I can't wait. When I'm finished with it all, I'll be way more enlightened than you. Who's the fuck up, now?

I've been researching tantric sex, despite the unfortunate truth that I don't have anyone to practice it with (Next up: looking into affordable honeymoon destinations). Still, I find it fascinating. Based on what I'm learning, every couple, if they're even slightly fond of each other, should at least give the practice a try. I know, I know: those three to seven minutes of grunting monkey sex has served you well, but wouldn't you like to feel as if you're careening through the cosmos in a rocket of pure ecstasy? Come on, give it a shot. Do it for people like me, who are unloved and unwanted.

It's time to go. I'm pretty beat and want to mix down some stuff I recorded at Spira's. I didn't accomplish as much as I intended, but I'm pleased with what I've got, even the piano bits (I also didn't watch as many movies as I thought I would. I did, however, manage to watch The Future, Short Night of Glass Dolls, and The Shining. Not too shabby). So, I'll do some mixing and also some writing. Mostly lyrics. I've been stuck on a line; here's what I've got: These tears, they fall like.....Like what? What do tears fall like? See, writing lyrics ain't no joke.