When I came back to work after recording at the registry in Lawrence, Amanda was standing by the door smiling, like she had been waiting for me. I smiled back and we shared a hug. I had felt a mixture of trepidation and eagerness when I heard Tim mention last week that she was coming by that Friday to pick up some documents for her mom, but when I saw her today it was evident the ease between us had not waned. It felt like I had just seen her, like there wasn't a gap of years in our timeline. When I didn't see her on Friday, I figured she must have stopped by before my arrival or while I was on the road. It was a let down, not seeing her. I thought there might be a slight chance I'd get to today, but it didn't seem likely and so my thoughts were directed elsewhere.
Which was why I was surprised when I opened the door and almost walked into her. We talked briefly before people came over to say hi (Amanda used to work in the office before I did and her family is friendly with at least a couple of my coworkers). She filled everyone in about what she's been up to and every time she laughed, my ears and heart felt joy. Hers is one of the great, authentic laughs and over the years I would try to amuse her constantly just to hear it.* As she left, she told me she was going to call me soon. I hope she does; we've got some catching up to do.
After work, I practiced yoga and was vigilant about being mindful (have no doubt, self-realization takes a lot of will and perseverance, qualities even you possess, Billy). Every position received almost all of my attention and I felt focused and loose at the end of the session. And then on to dinner. I stir-fried some tofu and portabella mushrooms and placed them gently (always gently) over a bed of mixed greens. Atop this creation, I sprinkled feta cheese in a graceful manner reminiscent of snowfall over a Vermont farm. Along the edges of the plate I placed sliced watermelon and blueberries. Then, and you're not going to believe this, I ate it all, feeling clear and crisp - an awakened yogi. Yup, that's what I did. Now, to negate everything, I'm going to ruin my stomach with buffalo wings and wedding cake and cigarettes. Sometimes it's good to sabotage attempts at healthy living. At least that's what I read over at my favorite blog, The Fat Fuck's Guide To Making a Mockery of Your Body.
I know I've threatened to write a post about a dissolved friendship, but I'm debating whether I should, or more, how I should go about it. I know one thing: it's not going to entail me lashing out at this person. Even with the knowledge that he despises me, I still care about him. Sure, I wish things could have happened differently - being informed I was being shunned would have been nice - but I have no hatred in my heart for this person. It's a sad bit of business, but who knows, maybe someday....
Earlier, I framed a picture of Paramhansa Yogananda, who has become my guru whether he likes it or not, and every time I look over at it, I feel whole - wholly protected, wholly loved. To those of you who believe I might benefit from a few deprogramming sessions, I assure you, I am not embedded in some nefarious cult. Of course, that's what someone in a cult might say. I'm looking at you, Billy.
* Want to feel good? Want to extinguish self-defeating thoughts and worry? Need a break from cutting your arms with a a razor blade to alleviate the horror that your life has become? Here's what you do: bring to mind the people you've known with superior laughs (I'm fortunate to have known several. If you ask me nicely, I'll name a few). Picture them laughing. You'll soon feel like a toddler with fresh diapers and a handful of cake. If you don't know any good laughers than all I can tell you is that you should think about taking a cattle prod to your brain and holding it there until you cease to exist.
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