Today is the greatest day I've ever known

There's no easy way to say it, but it's the truth: I am unhappy in almost every conceivable way. Really, these days I'm grasping at straws when it comes to finding a modicum of joy or peace. I have a few simple pleasures, but they are becoming fewer and fewer. What concerns me most of all is my lack of hope of anything good manifesting in my life. I used to at least have hope, even in the grips of despair.

I've lived a life of mediocrity for too long, I'd say most of my adult life. With each passing year, it's become worse. I'm not suggesting it's been a life bereft of anything worthwhile, but I've backed up into a wall and there's nowhere to go.

I don't know if I'm explaining myself very well, but I just need to let some stuff out. That is the purpose here. I'm typing quickly and will probably not edit. Venting. That's what I need to do.

Am I depressed? I'm not sure that I am. I have many things to be depressed about, but I can't say I'm depressed. I haven't reached the point where I can't get out of bed and I still have an appetite, so who knows.

More than anything, I'm saddened by my life. I'm saddened by all of the things I've missed out on, I'm saddened by all the things I feel I'll never have. Is this rock bottom? Things could be much worse, to be sure, but where I'm at is lower than I've ever been.

One thing that's really become evident is how lonely I feel. If I keep going the way I'm going, and let me assure I can't go much longer like this, I will die a sad, lonely man. What the fuck? Really? That guy? Never saw that coming, but now I don't see any other course.

I'm feeling old, too. I was just hanging out with my roommates and our landlord's son and I felt out of touch with them. Maybe just in my head, but I felt I didn't have much to offer the conversation. And the people closer to my age, well most of them have families of their own, another thing I can't relate to.

For years, I kept telling myself things would get better. I'd tell myself, "Don't worry, you'll eventually meet someone and fall in love". Never happened. I'd say, "You'll figure the career thing out". Never did. I pepped myself up in a welter of ways. Nothing but empty hope.

The dominoes are falling towards a shitty outcome. This I see and it scares me. I despair over the fact that I can't figure out a way out of this. I've prayed, I've appealed to a higher power; I've tried to use my noggin. Nothing. It feels like I'm fated to sink lower and lower until I'm dead.

If I'm depressing you, I'm sorry. I'm not even sure I'll publish this, but, as I said, I need to vent. I don't feel like I have any other means to do it.

Lower and lower. I'm noticing more disconcerting developments. They sprout up here and there. Now I've got a whole crop. Lower and lower. What happened? How did I end up this way?

I always marveled at how impossible it was for me to find a girlfriend. I was affable, not ugly, had a good sense of humor, an adept musician. You'd think the odds would favor me being fairly successful with women, but no fucking way. Not for this guy. Even when it would seem like something was brewing, something would happen to put an end to it. After all the disinterest and rejection I've faced, I don't blame myself for thinking that if you lined up fifty single women, not a one would be interested in me. Seriously, there has been something fucked up, almost fated, about my lack of a romantic life.

And I get older. That ship, if there ever was one, has sailed. Ah, fuck, I don't want to be a whiny baby. I don't want to play the victim. But I don't want to lie. I just need to vent.

Things are getting worse by the day. I'm still trying to be positive, to cling to hope, but it's getting harder and harder. I'm beginning to question why I even bother anymore, and that troubles me.

I'm so fucking broke. I live virtually hand to mouth. I can't afford anything and I don't have many skills, so finding a better job in this shitty climate is daunting at best. Ah, but I don't even give it a try. Fear has crippled me in many ways. The anxiety disorder I thought I had gotten over, has never left. It just went from bombast to something more subversive. And way more destructive. The slow burn.

You know, I'm just rambling here and I don't even know why I've wasted my time. I'm just at my wit's end. I don't know how to get out of this hole. I'm at the bottom of a well with smooth, slick walls and I can't get out. No rope, no ladder, nada.

Alright, enough out of me. I think I deserve to be happy. I don't hate myself, but yet I'm in a scary, undesirable place. It would be nice to wake up in the morning without dreading the day ahead of me.

Post script. After I spewed out the above, I read for a while and tried to go to sleep. It took a while. It is morning and I'm tired, yet slightly reinvigorated. I woke with the echoes of Tom Waits singing "It's time, time, time". Time for what, I wonder. Well, if it's coming from Tom's lips, it can't be good.


Today is another day. I'll give it a shot.