He's a walker in the rain, he's a dancer in the dark

A fine fourth, though not without conflict. Went up to Nashua for a barbecue and saw friends I hadn't seen in a while. Life changes the parameters, but I'm happy to say the bonds still hold. It was good medicine seeing everyone. A fight broke out after I left. Heard it was an all out brawl. Good thing I wasn't there -- I would have brought the ruckus!

Craig had made me a birthday cake -- a very thoughtful gesture -- and several of us polished it off it in short order. Because I didn't end up seeing my parents, without Craig's cake, it would have been my first birthday without one, which is bad mojo I'm told. So, thanks for saving the day, Craig.

Mara was upset with me after the party. I knew she would be. It happens when we attend social events with my friends. To her, these events serve as a barometer for our relationship. It came down to me not being as attentive to her as she wanted me to be. This, after telling her days before the party that, because I'd be seeing close friends I hardly see anymore, I was concerned she might feel left out if she came along. She told me she wouldn't, that she use the opportunity to go for a walk and take some photos. And, she added, there was going to be people there she was comfortable being alone with.


So my concern was warranted. We had a difficult discussion about the ambiguous nature of our relationship and other unpleasant business. Seeing her upset wounded me. A part of me wondered if I should commit to something more serious, exclusive. Would I later regret this evening, this point of the relationship that served as a crossroads? Would I be Scrooge watching his younger self discard his one true love? Maybe. But, hindsight is 20/20. In the present we do what we can and hope things work out for the best.

I truly care for Mara. I told her as much. We would have parted ways long ago, otherwise. But, in the end, as difficult as it may be, the most caring gesture might be to let her go. Even writing that hurts. On a positive note, our night ended well. I brought her into my apartment and, rather than discussing our present situation, we talked about our past relationships and the rejections we've faced. It was a nice way, this sharing of ourselves, to end the evening. It's hardly an easy business, relationships.I'd hate to lose her entirely, but I have to steel myself for that outcome.

Today is my birthday. I spent the bulk of the day alone. I went into Porter Sq and picked up The Judging Eye at the book store. The Warden Man hasn't enticed me yet, so I went for the sure thing.

A few friends and family members called with birthday wishes, which was appreciated. I didn't mind very much being alone, but sometimes the familiar feeling of being alone and bummed out on my birthday crept into the forefront of my thoughts. Residual effects, mostly.

Spira and Brad had a little cookout earlier tonight in the park behind her condo. I stopped by and had a burger and a hot dog. After we ate, I grabbed a Frisbee out of my trunk and we tossed it around for a while. Watching Spira handle the Frisbee was amusing. She was as dexterous with it as a moose is with chopsticks. Wait. That's being unfair. To the moose, that is. Snap!

The agenda for the end of the night, which is soon approaching: some reading, some guitar, some Blackadder, some more reading.