Just like the sand out in the sea, what good is sugar if you have no tea, what good are you if you don't have me?

Been tough going lately. Let me rephrase that. It's been challenging lately. I say lately, but it's been years and years. That's life, though, and it's a school in which we learn. We're supposed to fuck up, otherwise we'd all be enlightened and wouldn't be here. Anyway, I've been working through ingrained, outdated, and not advantageous patterns, and, well, it's been a bumpy ride. But not, I should note, one that is heading down a steep, icy hill towards the yawning abyss of the ocean's maw.

I'm heading upwards, baby! Doesn't feel like it right now, but why would it? I'm in transition, discarding the muck and letting in the light. Not. Fucking. Easy. With all the meditating and yoga I've been doing, I still find myself deferring to my ego, that raging, needy beast. It is fighting me tooth and nail because it feels threatened. It will not relinquish its hold in a gentlemanly manner. Maybe if I ask it nicely....

A by-product of the inner work has been occasions of prolonged restlessness. I'll pick up a book and get through a page or two when I get bored and move on to something else, like a movie. And I'll be lucky if I get through twenty minutes of that. And then on to the next thing. I don't know why exactly it's been like that sometimes. It's felt like I've been off course and everything I've attempted to do hasn't been what I should be doing. Oh, I don't know.

Last night I found myself annoyed with someone. Doesn't matter what about, but my body became tense. The thought came to me that unless I let go of this and every other ego-generated hang up, it'll never end. The words "let go" came into my mind. I relaxed and felt a clarity I hadn't felt since I don't know when. I laughed at how simple it was. Didn't last, but it was a glimpse into how things can be when you let go of attachments. So simple, which is why it's so difficult, if ya dig.

Looking for jobs hasn't left me encouraged, but it beats not looking. Baby steps. I've been exploring the possibility of working at home part time. That would be nice not having to leave my house and deal with all you fucking assholes. Really, though, I've got to start thinking hard about pursuing actual professions. I'm not a dummy and I need to get paid, son!

What do you think about this blog being a pay site? Great idea, right? A measly ten dollars per post won't bankrupt you. And, as an added bonus, I'll actually start putting some effort into it. Okay, I'm glad you're on board with this. Now I can put food on the table!

Speaking of yoga (I did earlier, way up above in that paragraph you skimmed like it was hot), I've been practicing ying yoga, which looks like the easiest thing in the world, but is most certainly not. Basically, the idea behind it is to hold poses for several minutes in order to flex the connective tissue, which accounts for more of our flexibility than our muscles. I love the challenge of enduring several minutes of physical and mental discomfort (the mind does wander). I tell you, there is no better high than post-yoga high.

Been working on music again. This time I won't be so eager to share any of it with friends unless they ask me or if it's part of a project. Boy, did I learn my lesson last time. Not worth the effort. Ah, but I make music and love doing it. Maybe if I start playing out more, I'll find an audience. I know they're out there.

Watched What Dreams May Come last night. Hadn't seen it in years and it was definitely worth seeing it again. I wonder if I wept openly several times throughout it the first time around, because I most certainly did last night. Good thing no one was around.

Rae has had a guy stay over the last couple of nights. Part of me wonders if this will be a constant thing (I worry more about bathroom/kitchen time than anything else). Another part of me is jealous because she's getting laid and I'm not. The straight truth, folks. Once you recognize it, you can do something about it. Word.

This Penn State scandal is beginning to echo The Franklin Scandal. What is it about people in power and child abuse? Seriously, they go hand in hand. Fucking Satanic.

On that note, I'm going to go immerse myself in the everlasting light of the universe. As you were, comrades.