Just shot off about twelve emails in reply to inquiries about the room we're renting. I put up an add on Craigslist last night and immediately got a welter of responses. Some good prospects, but we'll know better once we start meeting these people, which will be soon. Should be interesting. Foley met an ex-girlfriend of his interviewing for an apartment. I'll just be happy if we get someone who doesn't shit on the floor.
In other news...
As I was writing the top paragraph, I felt a heavy, almost overwhelming, vibration course through my body. I let it pass and didn't meditate on what I thought it was. I didn't say to myself in a cowering, weakened voice "Oh no, I'm dying! Am I dying?". Well, in the interest of full disclosure, I did kind of think something along those lines. Initially, though, and I got past it. I only bring it up because the older, younger, version of myself (how's that for a paradox?) would have made the situation worse, would have blown it up into something it wasn't, like I was on the verge of doing earlier today during a run when I almost got struck by a kid hauling ass on his bike. I'm talking full throttle! Right in the chest, I would have taken the impact. Probably would have killed me, and if I did survive, I would have been hospitalized for sure. It scared me, and, as I was replaying the event in my mind while layering outrage in thickening strips upon the scene, another voice appeared, counseling me to let it go. Immediately let it go. It happened, it's done. The kid didn't mean it, you're okay. You should be happy. You should be jumping for joy that you emerged unharmed. You should know how fortunate you are.
I didn't stop thinking about the incident until a few minutes later, but stop I did. I wasted valuable minutes of my time, of my life, stewing over something I had no control over. I could have gone on and on in my unconsciousness. I'm glad for the voice that awoke me. I saw clearly how self-centered we are, how entitled we think we are. I narrowly escaped getting slammed into by a speeding bike and all I could feel was abashed, angered.
Oh, and I have have no idea what that business with my body vibrating was all about. Maybe I sensed a disturbance in the force. I'm not even joking - it's possible that I did.
Watched The Office tonight. A good one and layered. It will stand up to repeated viewings, I have no doubt. Just like this post. Seriously, come back to it in about a week; you'll see that I'm right.
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7 comments:
Anxiety is a bitter beast.
I understand your thoughts here. When I was 8 months pregnant I was driving home from a friends house with my daughter in tow. Sis, spotted two starving pups on the road. Being exhausted from a busy day, I really didnt want to stop but reluctantly I did. I couldnt catch the starving pups and thought I will just call animal control to pick them up. I was walking back to the truck when I heard something and looked up. A SUV came flying out of control around the corner. I ran to my door and jumped in. I heard the thump. The driver finally gained control and stopped. I jumped back out of the car to see one puppy had decided to follow me back to the car... It was barely breathing and the other laid dead in the middle of the road. I was irate. I screamed and cursed at the man. I sobbed for two days and didn't drive for over two weeks. After that every time I got into a car I could feel my heart beating in my ears. From a near missed I lost several weeks out of my life... instead of just being thankful that the day didn't end far worse.
Controlling emotion takes constant awareness and practice. You are right to see the importance of meditating on a bad feeling. Once you understand it... you have the ability to control it.
Wow, Leigh, seeing something like that would tough to deal with. Not only did you go through the fright of almost being hit by an SUV, you witnessed the tragedy concerning the puppies. I would have been incredibly irate and let the man have it. I hate ignorant drivers. They're playing with peoples lives and seem not to care.
So how did the guy respond to you yelling at him? I hope he felt terrible.
Lately, I've been trying to ask myself questions whenever I catch myself slipping into bad thoughts. I'll ask, "What good will come out of me sticking with this line of thought?" and other similar questions. Not always easy to do, but I'm getting better with practice.
When the guy first got out of the car he had this blank look on his face... when I turned around and started swearing at him he had this look on his face like O My God, I almost hit a pregnant woman. He apologized profusely... but I was beyond apologies. I have never ever talked that way to anyone before or since. I just snapped. He moved the one puppy off the road and I took the other back to my friends house(It died shortly after I arrived). After that the guy left. For days all I thought about was the "what if's" (what if I never stopped, what if I was hit and killed in front of my daughter, what if I was hit and our baby died, what if he hit the car and killed my daughter) It was a horrible time.
I believe that anxiety isn't always bad. It means that you are in tune with your body, emotions and surroundings. The key is to lasso in the emotions that can run wild. Learning what is causing the feeling, scaling the importance and logic to it.(Like you have been doing)
I pick up on other peoples worries, so if someone I am emotionally tight with is feeling anxious that feeling transfers to me (whether I have been around that person or not). Like my BFF "T". She has been going through a lot and Thurs. she woke at 2am worried. I woke up at 2am worried and stressed as well but I just couldn't put my finger on it until the next day.
I understand the struggle and the constant pep talk with yourself is necessary.
It always helps me to look at the positive keys to my anxieties, anxiety is more or less a discerning spirit, giving you insight to dangers, your emotions, others emotions and capabilities. And through that you are able to pay close attention detail verses someone else who is absent minded.
I learned a long time ago not to view my anxieties as the enemy but as a tool that needs a little fine tunning. ;)
I don't know if I am maybe a little bit late on this whole discussion but I feel the need to add my two cents, so here it goes!
I have definitely struggled with and experienced anxiety on different levels. Sometimes I knew why and other times it would come on me like a cold in winter where you have no idea where you got it, all you know is that you wish it would leave! Most of my anxiety came in my teenage years when (I think) most people experience such feelings. However, in my adult life the kind of anxiety that I have dealt with most often is either directly related to specific events or anticipation of said events but for the most part I could pinpoint a reason for my anxiety. Fortunately for me, some of those anxiety-causing things never panned out. (Or at the very least they turned out to be less stressful or upsetting than I was anticipating.) In this instance I've come to view it as something of a reward for facing difficult (or potentially difficult) situations head on instead of trying to avoid them. Perhaps I am merely putting a good spin on the situation, I don't know?
Anyway, the other kind of anxiety that I have experienced is the inexplicable and unexplained physical symptoms that sneak up on me at the weirdest times. For instance, I could be on the phone with Kreg and despite the fact that the conversation has been light and fun like when we are talking about music or The Red Sox or he is relaying a story about the guy who threw chicken bones in the parking lot in front of his work, all of the sudden I get the chills! I am not just talking about chills like goose bumps I mean serious chills! Like, freezing your ass off outside in January chills! Out of nowhere I need to turn the heat up or put a blanket around me and I even find it difficult to prevent my teeth from chattering! CRAZY! Note that I am not suggesting that I am crazy but this symptom is! I wish I knew what was happening then?? The only reason that I am able to deal with these symptoms is because I am in an otherwise good mood and these chills usually subside rather quickly. But still, I wish that they would just not happen in the first place. Funny thing the mind is, huh?
Leigh, I can understand how that incident could sit with you like that. It was a bit upsetting just reading your account.
When my anxiety was at it's peak in college, I remember my counselor telling me that, despite it's nightmarish qualities, anxiety is a warning that something is not right. It was hard to believe at the time because it seemed so random, but in hindsight I see that I had a lot going on that needed to be addressed. There is of course, the view that panic disorder is a chemical imbalance that wreaks havoc on the fight or flight response. I can see that, too, but all I know is that once I started addressing the problem areas of my life, the anxiety decreased dramatically.
Kate, thanks for sharing. Sounds like you've been lucky to escape the severe, crippling variety of anxiety. Still, anxiety is never a joy to deal with.
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