The plan was to write a blistering, unfiltered, rant, but I'm going to take the high road as best I can. I had a shitty day: I fucked up at work two times (arguably not completely my fault) and the last one was a doozy. I may end up getting fired. I don't think I will, but whatever happens, the aftermath will probably be ugly. I left work feeling lousy about just about everything in my life and wondered if the writing has been on the wall for poor ol' me and whether I should come to terms with it. We'll see, but I'm not about any of that right now. What I'm presently about is focusing on and clinging to perhaps one of the most exquisitely pleasant and meaningful experiences I've ever had. And all in a dream that probably lasted only a minute.
In keeping with the spate of relationship-related dreams I've had this week, I had another one this morning. It was perhaps the best dream I've ever had, and when I'm finished describing it to you, you may question why a dream about a sick woman would rate so high. Or maybe you won't.
The dream:
The light filtered into the room through the bedside curtain, casting a soft amber glow over all it touched: the row of pill bottles on the window sill; my seated, hunched over pose; my wife, honey haired, in her bed. We spoke quiet, esoteric, words to each other that I'll never recall. She said something that made her smile and that smile was still the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen. It had so much life in it, I almost forgot she was terminally ill. She said her throat hurt, I reached over for the proper elixir, she took it. The phone rang. It was my work. Where was I? I said I wasn't coming in. I had not been in for a while. They could fire me, I didn't care. Nothing, nothing mattered but my wife. I would not leave her, not for anyone. Not ever. I loved her more than anything. No, I would remain by her side. She smiled again, a breeze through the curtain, our hands clasped, our eyes met, they said everything that ever needed to be said.
I awoke.
I didn't feel the same sense of being cheated the way I did with the other dreams. I don't know why that is. I say that this might be the best dream I've ever had. I believe it is. Relating it, I see how sad it is. A better dream would be being with the same woman, but when she's healthy and we're having fun. I suppose, but I think with her being ill, the depths of love, love in it's purest form, unsheathed of all the trappings of the ego, were exhibited far more palpably. I lack the ability to convey how much love I felt for this woman and how much I felt from her, but it was profound. Beyond anything I've ever felt, awake or asleep.
Will I ever come close?
Perhaps I will, though I hope the part about my wife dying doesn't come to pass. Can dreams be prophetic? Sure they can. In fact, one of the dreams I had amidst all those other relationship dreams described almost exactly what happened to me today at work. Is the universe so cruel that it would only see to it that my bad dreams come true?
Fuck, I hope not.
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13 comments:
Poetic Kevin! Poetic!
I have been meaning to make a comment on Kate's Blog. Her last post I have thought about often. I may run over there in a second when I can find the exact words I want to use, but in a sense the thoughts here also apply to both post. I find that in a world over populated with people with various ways to "connect" there is still something massive missing to fill the heart. It kind of reminds me of the movie "Crash". It seems to me that the label of the relationship doesnt matter (whether it be with children, spouse, a best friend, or a pet)... its the intensity of the love. We all want that that feeling of being important to someone. I think the society has misrepresented love. We have been taught that if you don't have a "better half" (subliminal message), the we are not whole, being cheated out of something grand. We are taught that the love of a child isnt as intense, the love of a pet isnt as full filling, the love of a friend just isn't the same. But I believe that rarely do people find all those types of fullfilling love in one person (a lover). Hence High divorce rate. We expect people when we say "I do", to give us the love of a friend, a child, lover, a pet, but the truth is thats perfection and it just doesn't exist in this world.
Perhaps I am wrong to analyze someones thoughts/emotions/dreams BUT I think that your dream is relative... Love comes in various forms, and isn't always in one body, sometimes unhealthy, but you love on. :)
God!I'm so bad verbalizing my thoughts. I hope some of that made sense and wasn't interpreted negatively.
If I should farther explain shoot me over an email.
I think you did just fine, Leigh. And believe me I definitely find it difficult to write off of the cuff and reach the point that I was striving toward. However, I think that you made some good points, some very good points actually!
I have always questioned if it is possible to feel fulfilled with just a platonic friendship or just a mate but not both of these relationships in our lives? I can think of some in my family who have friends that they are close to but no mate or spouse. While still others have a spouse but not really any close friends and if that was ever the choice or simply the situation that you find yourself in is it possible to be happy in that arrangement? Or, is that what it means to "have it all"? In order to achieve that do we need Friends, A Lover, Family and a Pet? Or can one or two but not all of these relationships suffice? Maybe it just depends on the person and their own expectations out of life and love?
To Kevin,
I agree completely with Leigh! Your description of the dream was beautiful! Despite the very sad nature of that dream I understand what you were saying about how it seemed to represent love in its purest form. After all, only a person who is truly committed to another person would stick it through to the end. It takes and unwavering love and friendship to endure especially when a partner turns into a caregiver and the "for worse" side of the marriage vows comes starts to overtake the "for better".
Thanks for the comments, ladies! I appreciate the thoughtful and engaging feedback. You know, much of what you responded with was on my mind as I wrote the post. For example, I've recently been thinking about how empty and alone many people seem to be, despite all the ways technology has made it easier to connect. I was listening to NPR recently and an author (can't recall his name) was relating how for a while his life was all about his Blackberry and texting and emailing and so on. Eventually, he said, he awoke to the fact that he felt a deep sense of lack. He noticed it everywhere he went, everyone, even when they were together were on their cell phones, texting or talking. I see it, too. I guess with anything, there are pros and cons with technology, but as far as interacting with others goes, nothing beats a one on one, in the flesh, experience.
So much of what we label as being love, more particularly romantic love, is off the mark, I think. And dominated more by the ego than the heart. This is precisely why the love I felt in the dream was so profound. It was uncluttered, devoid of the ego; it was whole in its essence. Knowing that someone felt as strongly as I did for them, filled me with immense joy. Despite the subject matter, the dream was such a peaceful and joyous happening. When I think upon it, I feel all warm and fuzzy.
Lordy, You two make so much more sense than I! Must be those Northern teachers... Us southerns don't have the know hows to write our thoughts gud. LOL
Seriously, I agree with both of you.
O and Kevin I forgot to tell you that understand completely about what you are saying as far as despite the fact that your love was ill it was a great dream. I have had dreams that seem to be sooo tragic when put to logic if they had been real, but in dream state I felt peaceful and woke in a state of tranquility. Which brings me to something that I often think of (as I dream often). When my dreams seem so realistic I often question the nature of reality. Perhaps reality is in the dream state and what we call reality is nothing more than a dream.... or we are actually living in both worlds concurrently. And that those odd times when we have premonitions or deja vu is when those universes intersect....
Hey there you go Kevin... not intellectual but definitely of a deeper scale! ;)
We should just keep this thread going indefinitely.
Leigh, you are making a lot of sense but I have to laugh at your comments about "Southerns" because I have to admit to some bias when it comes to Yankees, or more to the point, a prejudice against southerners. However, it is not a real strong dislike that I have toward them and I know that for the most part the preconceptions that I have about those from below the Mason-Dixon line are mostly unfounded.
Kate,
I think that many people have preconceived notions about both worlds.
Being Northern by blood but existing with a slow southern drawl, I tend to catch hell from both sides. Having seen the best and worst of both worlds... I know for a fact that your notions aren't completely unfounded as the same as southerners opinions on Northerners aren't completely unfounded. Ultimately theres good and bad, the educated and ignorant in each culture, in the end creating beautiful diversity.
OH, and I agree! We should just keep this thread going! ;)
We may have to wait and see how Kevin feels about that but it could be fun! It could be like a great big written game of telephone! ; )
We can keep this thread going indefinitely, if you'd like. Dialog is always welcome. Leigh, I think you express yourself just fine and as far as it being difficult, I'm right there with you. Sometimes it's easier than others. Occasionally, I'll refer to older posts and see that I was way off the mark with what I was trying to express. Oh, well, it's a process. And as far as I'm concerned, there are all types of people everywhere, north/south, east/west. I think it's safe to say you're of the intelligent variety. While I'm at it, I want to point out how much I've been enjoying your blog. I'm loving seeing your writing open up. As for you, Kate, my only criticism is that you post so infrequently. How 'bout stepping it up for us? You've got stuff to say - let's hear it.
Awe, why thank you Kevin! But, I have to admit I think I am going to cut back on the blogging for a while. I really need to find balance as I tend to do almost everything in excessive amounts (from working out, dieting, gardening, cleaning, studying) and when its not in excessive amounts, chances are I'm not doing them at all. Its a grim personality fluke that I am trying to work out. I'm really proactive about trying to fix the in balances and unfortunately thats going to take some soul searching and some major focus on my part. I'm sure you understand. Ultimately its about the importance of searching for a more full filling life that embodies balance and health... Is that why you started doing yoga?
Leigh, I'd only want you to keep up your blogging pace for selfish reasons, but it's important you do what's right for you. Balance is the key.
I started practicing yoga because I liked the fact that it strengthened the mind,body,and spirit. I was thinking today how rigid I've been with certain things in my life and then it hit me that yoga makes you flexible, not only with respect to the body. I tell you, I feel better now than I did ten years ago.
Kevin did you start doing yoga on you own or did you start off in a class? I have never done yoga but I have heard that its important to know what you are doing. I'm thinking about having a go at it.
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