Our mother the mountain

So here is the elaboration of my last post. Unburden thyself, the wind whispered. I shall obey. So without further preamble, let's get this post rolling.

Over a week ago, in response to my guitar playing and singing, Rich pounded on the wall in his room with such ferocity the entire house shook. If you've been reading this blog for a while you'll know this wasn't the first time he's done this. I stopped playing for a second and then started up playing again, only this time with mounting anger.

Since I've lived with Rich, which has been a few years now, I've had to speak to him several times about his outbursts, which have always been directed at me specifically, whether I was the true source of his anger or not. Each time, I made it a point to confront him, to try to come to some kind of resolution, because if I didn't he would never say a word and let things fester. Rich is not the confrontational type. When he loses his temper, it's not directly. One time I caught him cursing me out for -- God forbid! - turning the heat up (Anything over 65 degrees would incur his wrath). He was startled as I made my way down the stairs - he hadn't expected an audience. I asked him if he'd like to repeat what he said to my face. His response was to flee to his room. The next day I knocked on his door and tried to hash things out. I asked him, as politely as I could, to speak to me directly when he has a grievance with me. I told him it wasn't my intention to anger him, that all I wanted was for him to let me know, in a civil manner, when I did so that I could make the proper adjustments. He said it hadn't been me he was upset with, only the fact that the heat seemed to be constantly on. I didn't believe him, but because he agreed to my request, I kept silent.

I've known for a while now that Rich just flat out doesn't like me. If pressed, I'm not sure he could articulate the precise reason why. Well, maybe he could, and has, but to other people, not me. I've tried with him. I really have. And I've never made an inch of headway with him. Nope, just the continual, barely restrained hostility. Even when it became absolutely clear he just didn't like me, and probably never would no matter what I said I or did, I still wanted to be able to share the same house with him in a comfortable manner. And, to be candid, it didn't sit well with my ego knowing I was disliked.

Before the latest wall pounding incident, it came to my attention that he thought I was messing with his head. He keeps a bottle of hand soap in the shower and, apparently, someone was turning the dispenser so that it faced the wall. And guess who he thought that someone was?
I was dumbstruck, despite the fact that I knew he blamed me for pretty much everything that bothered him in the house. First of all, just the fact that he keeps tabs on how his soap is positioned is a little odd to me. You could move my stuff around every day of the week and I wouldn't notice. And then to accuse me of moving the bottle around, as if I was perpetrating some elaborate, yet subtle, mind game! For him to reach that conclusion, he had to believe that I was out to get him and that this was one way to do it. Besides the voices in his head, which have to be downright disturbing, I suspect his theories have been getting support from other sources. I'm willing to bet anything that there's a whole host of other similar things he's blamed me for. "Hey, my can of Pepsi has been moved a fraction of an inch! Must be that scoundrel Kevin! Who else could it be?"

Knowing that Rich had reached the level of paranoia with me was disturbing but it made sense. It fit his profile. He's a guy who lacks communication skills, particularly as concerns confrontation. Rather than say to me, "Perhaps this sounds a little weird, but have you been playing around with my soap?", he opted to tell Janelle and Craig about my diabolical scheming. I don't know how long that particular issue had been stewing around in his head, but I bet it had been for a while.

I decided, after the wall pounding incident, that I was no longer willing to tolerate that type of behavior. I'd reached my breaking point. Probably should have happened sooner, but I wanted to make our living situation work. A friend told me he would have punched Rich in the face after the first incident. While I don't think the violent route would have worked for me, it probably would have settled things, for better or worse. Probably worse. I'm glad I kept my cool - someone had to - but I'd be lying if I said I didn't harbor fantasies of breaking his jaw for him.

I chose not to confront him directly this time. That method had failed to get the desired results. No, he was getting a note, and in it I was going to voice my displeasure with his behavior and let him know that it would not be tolerated anymore. If he couldn't keep his temper in check and learn to communicate like an adult, we were going to have to make some changes. Despite being fed up with his nonsense, I wanted to be as diplomatic as possible. To that end, I decided to wait a day for my anger to subside before I wrote the note. I wanted to be level headed.

He didn't make it easy on me. I came one night to find the cable bill stabbed on the cork board above our sink with angry red circles drawn around the due date of the bill. It was clearly directed at me. I won't get into the hypocrisy of the action and why, especially in this instance, it was uncalled for, but trust me on this: he was taking another jab at me.

Now I was even more furious. How dare this fucking rat try to bully me into doing his bidding? And from behind the scenes like a coward! Again, I put off writing the note because if I wrote it then it would have been vicious and wholly undiplomatic. It took a few days for me to get into the proper mindset.

Last week I sat down and wrote the note. I had put a lot of effort into it, more than he deserved, perhaps, but at the end of the day, no matter what he thinks of me, Rich is a decent enough guy. He's just not happy with his life and his unhappiness affects how he interacts with others. That's not conjecture, he's said as much to me. It took me about a half hour to write the note. When I was through I showed it to Janelle and got the green light to give it to Rich. I left it in the kitchen before I went to bed.

The next morning, the note was on the counter with another note written on the back. Rich had responded quicker than I expected. I read his reply. Here's the gist:

1. Regarding the wall pounding incident, he was only knocking a bit on the ceiling to get me to stop playing. According to him, I knew my guitar playing drives him crazy, so I shouldn't have been surprised at his mild request (I'm not quoting him directly here, but I'm coming damn close)

2. Posting the cable bill in the manner he did was only to remind me that it was soon to be due. Oh, that's all it was. Why that bothered me I don't know.

3. He resents the fact that I don't contribute to household supplies. This, almost more than anything else, infuriated me. It was patently untrue. I thought about what I'd bought for the house in recent memory: Light bulbs, trash bags, visitor passes, sponges. As Janelle said, he was reaching with that one. Whatever I haven't bought for the house, Janelle has. I don't know what Rich has bought. I'm not saying he hasn't contributed, but as far as I know, he hasn't

4. He accused me of being equally as passive/aggressive as I accused him of being because I had left a note one time about taking out the trash. Guilty as charged, but it happened a while ago and it was the only time, current note notwithstanding, that I've left a note. He seemed to be implying that what I did was no different than his practice of screaming of yelling, wall pounding, door slamming, etc., that he engages in. Sorry, Rich, but you're reaching.

The note ended with him stating he wasn't comfortable living here anymore and it was time for him to move on. He didn't address the soap dispenser issue. He hasn't talked to me since. He has, however, warmed up to Janelle even more. That night, he did all her dishes for her. I wonder if he did that in an effort to secure her as an ally, to show her he's a rational, contributing member of the household, unlike me. Of course not. He's always that generous. Hear that drip? That's sarcasm.

Janelle and I are going to speak with Rich and hash out an exit strategy. All well and good that he says it's time to move on, but when? He could be here another week or another five months. And, because he didn't agree to our ultimatum that he communicate in a respectful way, should we dictate when he leaves? I don't want it to come to that, but I can't go on living with someone who actively disrespects me. That's why the meeting should take place.

It's all too bad. It could have worked for Rich here, but his anger gets the best of him. And because he's unable or unwilling to communicate his feelings, he harbors a welter of negativity that has spread throughout the house. I hope this gets resolved soon.

So there you have it. Not so vague, this post. I think I'm all set with the Rich situation for a while. Off to watch the rest of Harakiri, which, so far, has been fantastic.