I'm fixing a hole, where the rain gets in

Silent night, holy night....

I woke up periodically throughout the night, Christmas songs on auto play in head. Until I put some Gesualdo on, I was hearing them all morning while making breakfast, during my morning ablutions, and while I tried meditating on the ways of the universe. Craig had it right: I am a more sensitive listener because I'm a musician. Most everyone at work is able to tune the music out. If you wanted to take the piss out of me, you could suggest that if I actually focused on my work, I wouldn't be having this problem.

Just hear them sleigh bells ringing, ring ting tingling, too...

As far as Christmas spirit goes, I have zero. Nada. Nothing. I feel no connection with the holiday, not this year. Last year wasn't terrific, but there was still a spark. That is not to say I'm in a terrible state -- I'm not in a good one, to be sure, but I'm taking measures to improve my lot. It's just the timing of everything collapsing and the general makeup of my life that prevents me from grabbing that eggnog and caroling 'round the Christmas tree.

It is too bad. Perhaps tragic, that it's come to this. Maybe some day I'll regain the spirit. And regain is the operative word here. It wasn't so long ago that I had a panoply of Christmas spirit. Some of my best, warmest, most cherished memories center around the holiday. It's almost sinister how things turned out. I guess you can chalk it up to the loss of innocence most of us go through the older we get. And you can also chalk it up the absence of a significant other and a family of my own; the gradual dwindling of friendships; being so poor that I can't afford to buy gifts; my car on it's death bed; and the Christmas songs I once adored now more annoying and intrusive than horse flies.

It may be hard to believe, judging by the tone of the above and my last few posts, but I'm really trying to get past this, and by this I'm also referring to other matters that are on par with my car situation, just as shitty but too embarrassing to write about. I don't want to be in this situation, I hate how I arrived at it. I'm trying to grasp hold of anything positive. I feel I'm on the verge of discovery, the likes of which I've tried to grasp over the years but could never quite understand. It took being at the lowest point of my life to understand it better. It has to do with intention, the plasticity of our universe, a transformation away from the muck and the grime into something greater than I've ever imagined. The potential is there.
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Books:

I'm almost through The Brothers Karamazov. Profound is the only way to describe it.

Reading from The Field, a book I put down over the summer when it became too dense. Now, I can't put it down. It may be my salvation.

The Pillars Of The Earth. I'm getting there. Big fuckin' book.

Zen And The Art Of Motorcycle Maintenance. This one I've had kicking around for years, whether in my head or physically. I found a copy at the Good Will in Davis Sq. a couple of years ago. I've used it as a buffer between my a/c and windowsill. It's pretty beat up. Needing something positive, I picked it up the other night. Only got through a chapter or two, but it helped. I like the way it's written. I'll finish it one day.

TV/Film:

Last week I watched Dog Day Afternoon. It was good. Also saw Roman Polanski's debut Knife In The Water. Reminded me a bit of L'Aventura, a film I disliked. This was better, though. I just thought it would be a lot better. Still, I'd watch it again.

I saw mommy kissing Santa Claus underneath the mistletoe last night....

Quiet, you!

Watched a few episodes from Season 3 of Dexter. Everyone has been going ape shit over Season 4's finale. Damn, I wish I was caught up!

But there's The Tudors, a show I'd been curious about, but because of some crappy reviews, avoided. When I saw that the first season was on Netflix's Watch Instantly, I decided to give it a try. Hollah! Love it! It's right up my alley. Looks great (one of my favorite periods of history), well acted (Sam Neil, enough said), political intrigue, action, sex, and tennis. Yes, they were playing tennis back then. Right inside the palace. Wonderful show.

I just received the movie Doubt in the mail. Perhaps I'll get to it today.