I'm tired of being a spokesman for every tired thing

These days have been hard. It's not just my car; I wish it was it was only that. It's been hard, unbearable at times, so much so that at times, just to maintain, I've had to summon all sorts of will to stay focused in the moment, to not let despair have it's way. I feel like I'm about to die almost all of the time, which I can mostly attribute to my car feeling terribly unsafe at the moment (Visions of my tires collapsing, car swerving into other cars, breaking glass, crushing metal, screams, horror, dismemberment!). I am about to die, at least in the metaphoric sense. May have already. Life is change. This could be good. Or bad. We'll see.

What's important is that I at least make an effort to institute some kind of positive change. My life is not what I want it to be. I can make it better. I believe I will. Can you tell I'm working on my affirmations?

I'm rambling, aren't I? Perhaps not, but I feel like I am. I should end this. Before I do, let me tell you how fucked it is listening to Christmas music all day long when I'm going through this nonsense. Oh, really, it's the most wonderful time of year? Thanks for rubbing it in, Slick. What's worse than all that cheer is hearing so much of it. All day, everyday. Even some of my favorite songs I wouldn't want to hear four times a day. During the fourth -- yes, that's right, fourth -- pass of Feliz Navidad today, I said the following to Sharon:

"You know, at Abu Grahib, when the prisoners were being routinely tortured, one thing the guards would do was blast the same crappy music over and over every night. Problem was, the prisoners actually got into a lot of the music. The guards played hard rock, prisoners loved it; they played rap, prisoners loved it, they played oldies, prisoners loved it. What finally got to them was contemporary country. Made them go nuts. I think I know a little something of what that must have been like."

She laughed. " I don't mind if you change the station."

I told her I was trying to be a good soldier and put up with it; there are others in the office who just adore the music, no matter how redundant it gets. I'm not sure I'll make it to Christmas; I may end up judo chopping the radio with my face.

Time for a spiritual renaissance.