And in the night of tiredness, let me fall asleep without fighting, trusting you, and trusting me, too

Took the T into Hay Market this morning and headed over to the courthouse. While in line to record my documents, I reviewed the many that needed to be recorded and hoped for a smooth transaction. I'm still new at this; the fewer snags the better.

The clerks all looked to be jovial and well-mannered . That was reassuring. When I was at the front of the line, a large African American woman emerged from a room behind the counter and bellowed,"Next in line go to the back room!", in a voice rich with authority and mild contempt.

This is not good, I thought to myself. I went where directed, knees wobbling and jaw trembling. There was no one else there. Once she realizes I'm a rookie at this and, consequently, mistake prone and ignorant, she'll be free to abuse me as severely as she sees fit; no one will bear witness to her crimes. I cursed my luck and handed over my documents to her.

"First of all, you don't have any self-addressed, stamped envelopes", she said in exasperation. "And you didn't put a return address on any of these documents!"

I didn't know I was supposed to address the documents, but the absent envelopes were on me: I had left them at work.

I shook my head. "They just threw all this stuff on me as I was leaving work yesterday. This is my first time doing this; I wish they would have been more thorough in explaining to me what needed to be done."

Okay, so I embellished, but I was scared, damnit! I needed her on my side. Fortunately, she allied herself with me once she realized it wasn't my fault, that I was just a patsy.

"They threw you to the wolves, didn't they?"

I nodded meekly.

"Well, don't worry about it. Go buy some stamps down the hall and I'll supply the envelope. And you can address the documents as I record them."

"Thanks for understanding", I said. I went and bought some stamps and the rest of the transaction went smoothly. I made sure to throw my work under the bus a couple of more times before I left.

Went for a run after work and it was tedious. I felt sluggish and stiff and wanted to stop several times. Later, back at the house, I took a cold shower and erased the run from my memory. They're not always going to invigorating.
--

I'd like a wife. I want to know what it feels like to love someone deeply and completely and to be loved the same in return. It seems I'll never have that, but what the fuck do I know about the future, about how my life will unfold? Know what? If I desire a wife, I will some day have a wife.

Simple as that.