It's really just a question of your honesty, yeah, your honesty

I was coming down a freight elevator with Luke Warm. We hadn't seen each other in ages and were in the process, or at least I hoped it was a process, of reconciliation. We went one level lower than the ground floor and stopped. He got out first. There was a metal ladder leading we had to climb down to reach the floor. I advised Luke to watch his step, but he fell about a hundred feet and landed in a twisted heap. I knew right away it was bad. I hurried down the ladder to help him. All the while, he called out to me, asking me how bad it was. When I reached him, I saw that his injuries were probably fatal. Blood was coming out of his mouth. Internal injuries. Even though it wasn't his body, but some middle-aged guy's with a mustache, it was still him. He was speaking gibberish; he was in shock. I fumbled with my phone to dial 911, but it was in text mode and the numbers I typed were translated into letters. Frustration. Fear. He was going to die and I couldn't dial my phone. So much unresolved!

I woke up.

And couldn't fall back to sleep, which is why I'm exhausted right now. Ah, the past, how it haunts. Well, I should have seen the dream coming. The Luke Warm stuff had to do with my discussion last night with Craig about him. The falling off the ladder had to do with the watching yesterday of There Will Be Blood.

I've made little mention in this blog about the abrupt ending of my friendship with Luke Warm, and this post will be the last time. There's no use beating a dead horse.

About two years ago, I had been playing music with LW on a fairly consistent basis. It had been a long time since we'd done that and it felt good. Practices were going well, low key and virtually expectation free. One day at work, I received a voice mail from LW stating he no longer wanted to play music with me. Odd. Something was up. He obviously didn't want to talk to me because he called at a time he knew I couldn't pick up.

From that point on, he avoided me. I reached out gingerly a few times through emails and texts, but was met with either a curt response or none at all. Obviously, he wanted nothing to do with me. But why?

Time passed. Months and months later, I saw him at Craig's parent's place on the Cape. He was cordial and we spent some time together, but there was a palpable wall between us. He had refused to car pool with Mike and me and made a hasty retreat the next day.

The next, and last, time I saw him was at April and Jaegan's wedding. At the reception, we hung out a bit. I asked him where he'd been and if everything was ok. He replied he hadn't gone anywhere and everything was fine. I didn't force the issue. If he had a problem with me, he'd tell me or he wouldn't. I was sure he wouldn't have responded well to me attempting to coax information out of him.

Later, in the parking lot, a group of us were making plans to walk over to the beach. LW declined and left. We tried to convince him to stay. He begged off. The last image I have of him was him driving away. Away. I had hoped for more time with him.

I found out a few months later he was moving to Seattle. Foley had told me,but later came back and asked me not to tell anyone, because LW was trying to keep it on the down low. A week or two later, I ran into Leesa at the grocery store. She asked me when I was getting together with LW to see him off. She said he been calling everyone and making plans to hang out before he left. I told her I hadn't heard from him and left it at that.

Here I sit, months later. I haven't heard a peep out of LW and the friends I have that know why he ended our friendship so abruptly have remained silent on the issue. A veil of silence, a veil of secrecy. Keep your lips sealed. Kevin must not know the truth! I did my part. I never, not once, asked Spira, Craig, or Foley, what they knew, even though I'm certain they know a lot. And lets not forget the other friends he discarded - chalk it up to collateral damage, I guess. More than a few had no idea he moved out west. I doubt he had any issue with them, but if I was the only one he didn't tell, well, then it would be even more obvious he had an issue with me. Remember, folks, we must keep this as quiet as possible. Collateral damage. Some innocents had to go down, but that's war.

Last night, Craig touched upon the matter a little bit, but without going into detail. Just a taste, a tiny sip.Not at my behest, mind you. He, along with any of my other friends who know the scoop, were put in an awkward position and I'm not about to make it any more awkward for them. Still, sometimes I wish someone would enlighten me, even just a little. You know, something other than pretending there's not a giant elephant in the room. Ah, but we must hold tight to our secrets. I respect that. I would probably do the same in their position. Besides, it's not up to them to be the voice of LW.

I never expected things to turn out this way. I considered LW to be one of my closest, if not the closest, friend I ever had. We had some good times. He would have been my best man if I got married. But now.... now he's dead to me, or more I'm dead to him. He cut the cord and that was that. Whatever it was that set him down this path, I have no idea. That's the other thing about this that frustrates me: What the fuck did I do? Really, I wracked my brain and can't think of anything I've done that would have warranted this. Either he was fed erroneous information by someone or mis-interpreted something I did. Or, maybe he was just sick of me and there wasn't any one thing. I don't know. Most likely, I never will.

People move on, we stray, we become less active in each other's lives. I get that. But this situation is something different. Talking with Craig last night, it pained me to hear that LW thought so little of me he felt the need to cut all ties with me. I don't want to have that effect on anyone, never mind one of my closest friends. It's too bad, especially as it was so one-sided.

My self esteem these days isn't where I'd like it to be, but it's not low enough to want to cut my wrists over this. I have enough to handle the loss of friendships like the one I had with LW. On the other hand, it doesn't make me feel great knowing that within the last two years, three of my closest friends had had enough of me. One, as you've read, did so in earnest, another in writing (that was pleasant), and another by avoiding me for a while. To their credit, the latter two at least thought enough of me to try to work through our issues.


As for LW, maybe we'll reconnect some day. I doubt it. I'm not sure I want to. He took years of tight friendship and ended it without a word. No chance for me to explain myself, if an explanation was called for. No chance to apologize, if an apology was warranted. No chance for anything. That was what he thought of our friendship. And his gate keepers help maintain the secrecy. Pretend nothing happened.

To that end, I will henceforth keep silent about LW. I will keep my thoughts and feelings to myself, or at least absent from this blog. Whatever my sins are, disowning my friends is not one of them. Friendships are a valuable commodity and worth fighting for. Whatever I said or did that led LW to his current position, can't be half as bad as his cutting good friends out of his life without a word. He was an essential part of my life for many years and I'm grateful for that. But things change, people move on. I wish him well, but I'm not going to dwell on the past. He certainly hasn't.