I know there will be trouble when I'm too long feeling low

Matters run sweet, matters run sour. Often they run concurrently. I have been up to my neck in the sweet and sour since last week and I've favored one or the other so many times that I've reached the point of ambivalence. More or less. Even this stance is bound to change. The rhythm of life is change. Change, change, change.

It's been some time since I've posted. Some of you are alert to that fact, others I'm sure didn't notice my absence. It's okay - my ambivalence stretches far and I harbor no ill will. Indeed, I've taken a lengthier break than usual; partly due to being busy and partly because I just didn't feel like posting much.

There is much to recap, but I'm not going to deposit it all in this post. If I were to, it would likely take me all night, what with all the details I'd be sharing and the multitude of ways my computer has of slowing things down (This last paragraph took about fifteen minutes to type). With that in mind, I may not even be allowed by the powers that be to even finish the post. So fuck it, let's commence and see what happens.

THE SWEET

Last Wednesday night I stayed the night at Frank and Michelle's up in Amherst. We had finally found the appropriate time to have our oft-talked about Deadwood marathon. I had a great time with them. We ended up watching at least six episodes before the three of us started dozing off. They have two Golden Retrievers, Astro and Beckett, that I fell in love with immediately. Mandy, the dog of my youth, was a Golden. I am fond of the breed to be sure.

The next day, Thanksgiving, began at my parent's house. My grandmother, my sister and her family, and Spira were in attendance. Earlier in the week, I had invited Spira to dinner, suspecting, because her family lives out in Las Vegas, that she might not have a place to go. I suspected correctly - she didn't have a place to go and accepted my invitation.

It was great having her along. She's like one of the family. Over the years, she's been to various holiday gatherings, so this was nothing new. We had a nice meal and the occasion served as a good reminder how important family and friends are. We are social creatures; we need each other. It's why solitary confinement is considered a punishment.

From my parent's, we all went to my grandmother's house for dessert. My cousins and aunt and uncle met us there. It had been a few years since Spira had seen everyone and she was surprised at all the little kids running around. Some in my family have taken to breeding like rabbits. It happens.

A couple of nourishing days in a row. It was needed. So were the following days I had off, though they weren't quite relaxing. I spent as much time as I could assembling a set of songs to play at the show I was playing in Cambridge on Sunday. My plan was to play mostly new material and that meant I had to shore up a bunch of songs.

The show itself was a great experience for me. Foley's band, Slant of Light, had organized it for the release of their CD, and, besides me, another band, a duo called Low Static Romance, were on the bill. The Lily Pad, where we played, is ideal. It's basically just a room with benches and a bathroom. No bar, no tables, no noise. It's a place where people go to...I perish the thought... actually listen to music. A bizarre concept, but one that serves the musicians well.

I went on first, and you could hear a pin drop throughout my set. Because of the quiet, the respect being exhibited, I was able to immerse myself into my songs. The last couple of times I've played out kind of stunk, primarily because of all the noise and chatter which made it hard to hear what I was playing and because barely anyone was paying attention. So, yes, this gig was refreshing. I hope to play more like it.

THE SOUR

Beginning last week, my car began acting up. I'd be driving on the highway and it would begin to buck. At first, it did it only once in a while. But as with most problems, it didn't correct itself and became worse. Right in time for Thanksgiving! Yippeeee!! Fortunately, I was able to make it to Frank and Michelle's and then my parent's house. I even made it to my grandmother's house. When I was leaving there to go home, my dad told me he noticed my headlights weren't working.
Oh, wonderful. Even though I just had them fixed, they're out again. Not bad, not bad at all. So, now I had to take the car to the garage for two problems. Good thing my wallet is pregnant with cash.

Spira drove me home and took me back the next day. On my way home, the car bucked more than it ever had. I barely made it to the garage. I thought about how exquisite the timing was. Right during the holidays. Why, didn't the same very type of thing happen last holiday season, rendering me poorer than poor and unable to buy Christmas gifts? Indeed, it did. That very same type of thing. Well, nothing like starting a tradition, I say.

All of Friday was tied up with car business. I got off easy, however. Only thirty bucks for the headlights and the transmission fluid my mechanic added as a solution to the bucking. One thing I've learned is that, at least regarding my fortunes, nothing is easy. No, the universe had devious designs on me. I'm convinced of that, I regret to say.

Sure enough, on Monday morning, the car began bucking when I was on the highway on my way to work. And more than ever, I might add. From work, I went to the Registry in Cambridge to do some work and my plan was to take the car back to the garage and hopefully have the problem fixed before the day was through (I often finish work earlier when working in Cambridge). Well, that plan was shot to shit. I ended up stuck at the registry until almost five. I dropped the car off anyway with the hope that it would be fixed, and inexpensively, early today.

Not a chance. I didn't get a call all morning. Around eleven thirty, I called the garage and my mechanic said he was working on the car presently and would call me when he figured out what was going on. He never called. I called him around four thirty and he told me he still didn't know what the problem was and that he'd start back on it tomorrow and see if he could figure it out. In addition to the stress I've been going through for the last, I don't know, several days, as to how much this repair might run me, now I've got to take more time off from work and the problem might not even be diagnosed.

Good times, I tell ya. Oh, and the day before my gig, I started feeling sick. My throat became swollen and the rest of my body took to feeling weak and tired. Oh, the timing. Coincidence? Maybe, but I have my doubts. On Sunday morning, my nose was so clogged and my throat was so sore, I wondered if I'd be able to play at all. Fortunately, by show time, I was feeling well enough to play. At least there was that.

There are other problems. You know about the computer already. I am tired, just plain tired with a lot of my life. If I had posted last night, you would have read only the sour, and much more so than I portrayed here. That is a fact. But there has been the sweet, I must not forget. I've really come to accept how much playing music means to me, and how if I had a calling, that was it. More than ever, it has become a refuge.

I'm trying to stay positive, but I can't shake this feeling that the universe is fucking with me, that it wants to keep fucking with me until I put a bullet in my head. I thought about giving up and not just because of the car and the computer and welter of other issues. It would be easy enough - I have no family, meaning I don't have one of my own, that depends on me. I have no one, not even a hamster, that depends on me for anything. I've got some good friends, most of whom haven't dumped me for inexplicable reasons like a couple already have, but they hardly depend on me.

Ah, these thoughts meander down dark alleys. Best to stay in the middle, remain ambivalent. There is good to be found, I just need to stay alert to it. And if the universe is truly fucking with me, rather, if I commit to the belief that it is, well, I suppose this blog will be the legacy of me.

How sad.