I forgot the start, use my hands to use my heart

Getting ready for work this morning I was struck with the strong urge to stay home. Was it the rain and its attendant dreariness? Possibly, but it felt like something more, something I couldn't get a grip on. I wasn't against going to work, in fact I was all dressed and ready, but there was that urge tugging at me. So I took a personal day and stayed home.

Despite the rain and chill, I went for a run soon after I called work. It wasn't too uncomfortable early on, but it became so about halfway through. I arrived home soaked and chilled to the bone. It was worth it.

I've been wondering if the lack of intimacy in my life is having an underlying detrimental effect. I feel as if I've become numb to that part of life, but sometimes when I see a couple embracing, I feel a pang of lack.

Well, intimacy takes other forms. Wrapping my arms around Pooch Edward often does the trick. He's good like that. It's how he pulls his weight around here. Otherwise, we'd kick the little freeloader out on the curb. The curb, I tells ya!

With Rich gone, so are the sights, smells, and sounds he blessed the house with. The constant brutal and ragged coughing - gone. The sound of ice cubes landing in a glass, also constant, but not brutal and ragged, of Gatorade or Diet Coke - gone. The muttering of curses and grievances we'd hear almost daily - gone. The smell of tater tots or breaded chicken breasts in the toaster oven - gone. The low rumble of Death Metal or the terrified screeching of horror movie damsels being butchered emanating from his bedroom - gone. Do I miss any of it? Maybe the coughing; it comforted me.

I was talking with Ella about malls and how offensive they are. When I have work to do in Cambridge, I park in Galleria's parking garage. To exit, I have to walk through the mall. It takes me about two minutes, but I always feel gross when I get outside, polluted. I worked in a mall years ago. I don't know how I did it. Only for a few months, but it was the closest I've ever coming to losing my very soul.

A new episode of The Office is on tonight. At least I think there is. I'll find out, I guess. Revolutionary Road, a film I've wanted to see for a while, was on cable earlier. I watched most of it. Very good, but also very depressing. Maybe The Office will be less depressing.

Time to go work on music. Listening to Sufjan Stevens as I type and it's inspired me. Also, Fairport Convention's Full House arrived in the mail yesterday. Their first album without Sandy Denny and Ashley Hutchins and very good. More muscular, punchy. One of Richard Thompson's best performances. I've listened to Sir Patrick Spens about sixty times already. So effin' good!