I'll have a blue Christmas without you (the rest can fuck themselves)

Christmas is almost here and whether I'll be filled with its inherent merriment remains to be seen. In some ways I think I've arrived at the bare bones of the holiday, it's true meaning. Because of my pathetic financial situation, I haven't been thrown into the lemming-like sea of shoppers this year as much as I have in years prior. While still feeling strongly, maybe even more so, the societal pressure that deems it necessary that I buy and buy and buy, until my knees buckle under the literal and metaphoric weight of my purchases, I have, because of my situation, escaped the effects of its black arts.

Though I'm sometimes plagued with thoughts of shame, guilt, and embarrassment over not being able to participate fully in Christmas this year, I've come to realize these thoughts are just residue from an outdated paradigm, and have no power over me. No longer muddle-headed, I've seen clearly what I've only ever known as as concept: Christmas, at it's root, is about fellowship. I am fully in the sphere of this because, in spite of my financial difficulties, I'm having what's shaping up to be the most meaningful Christmas I've ever had .

Throughout this holiday season, I've fought pitched battles against regiments of defeating thoughts. I've come out on top every time, though the fighting has often been ugly and messy. I have the people in my life to thank for that (my coming out on top, not the fact the the fighting was often ugly and messy). I've been humbled in many ways this year and faced some cold truths. And through it all, my friends and family have held my sagging frame upright. To some, what I'm saying here may be a little too sugary, and I'm not going to argue that it's not, except to say that my sentiments are heartfelt. And know that I've come at this truth from the inside out and will not be deterred from it. There's not a gift under any tree in the world that offers the same rewards that fellowship does. It's taken me over thirty years to really my get my head around that, but better late than never. And if that's too sugary, so be it. I'm not trying to acquire any new friends here, just speaking in praise of the ones I have.

Tomorrow I'll go to my parents house in the morning and I'll feel the cold breath of inadequacy, but I'll shrug it off and enjoy myself. Then I'll go to my grandmother's house and feel that cold breath again---this time more pronounced--- and I'll shrug it off and enjoy myself. From there, I'll return to the city and go to Luke Warm's house, where the cold breath of inadequacy will not show its face and I'll sit with my friends and enjoy myself.

So, with that, I'm going to do some reading and maybe later when Spira gets home, we'll sit by the tree sipping eggnog and watch something Christmas related. Or perhaps I'll be able to convince her to watch Rashoman with me, but I think that's something I'm going to have to go solo on. Just a hunch.

I wish all of you reading this a Merry Christmas. And that extends to non-celebrants; as long as you live and breathe, I offer you good tidings. To those of you who are not having a good go at the holidays this year, I hope things get better. And if they don't, hold fast, because they will soon enough.