The song it was long and there was more to be sung

It came upon me to wonder today why it's so damn difficult, why I can't even get my foot in the door with her, and almost every other woman I've set my sights on. I know I've lamented my misfortune plenty of times here before and I've never gained any insights from it, save that I seemed to be locked in some pattern that doesn't, as a general rule, allow for a woman I'm interested in to have reciprocal feelings, but fucking hell---what gives?

A woe is me diatribe is what I seek to avoid, and believe me, if that's what I've been engaging in, I'm sorry to have exposed you to it. However, I don't want to sugarcoat my feelings, either. I've tried, in various ways, to frame my experience in a rational, if not positive, light. And if I've not always been successful, well, can you blame me? What I'm going through, what I've gone through, is fairly unique in the human experience, or more aptly, in the experience of those lodged in this particular societal framework. I'm referring of course to the span of time surrounding the experience and not so much the experience itself. I am not happy to be in this position. It is a battle to not feel unworthy, emasculated, and shamed. However, I'd like to think it's a battle I've come out on top of more often than not. So, let's not linger on the these debilitating feelings any longer, lest they gain power over me.

The more objective part of me, if that is even possible, sees the situation from an outside looking in perspective and roots for me to succeed. It doesn't behold a lowly creature, who by dint of his poor social skills and awful appearance, is expected to have trouble with women. No, it recognizes a man who, though not terribly handsome, is not unpleasant in appearance and whose social skills are in the neighborhood of above average, his general awkwardness notwithstanding. This objectivity, or something close enough to it, is what gives me perspective.

So, before I end this, I should point out that whether it's resignation or resolve that spawned it, I don't feel a bit uncomfortable at once again exposing a side of myself that ordinarily wouldn't have seen the light of day. Perhaps by laying myself bare, I'll have disrupted the pattern that has left me loveless, that has denied me one of the fundamental gifts of life for far too long. Perhaps, around the corner, there is a woman awaiting me who will make all the frustration, sadness, and puzzlement worth it.

Perhaps.