Ground control to Major Tom

I'd just finished a post that involved a fantasy of mine in which I rescue a tiny mermaid from the drain in my shower and she grants me three wishes out of gratitude. Let me tell you, the post got away from me, and that's why I haven't published it. I don't know if I ever will.

It started with this:

Mermaid: You have rescued me from certain death, brave human. You are glorious to behold! I've never seen one of your kind so strikingly handsome, so self assured. I wonder if I have died and passed into the realm of angels.

I responded in arrogance, saying that I didn't need to be told how glorious and self assured I was, that I knew that already. Kind of ridiculous and not very funny, but I liked it enough to leave it in. Then I pulled out the over-used comedic device of the granting of three wishes. The only difference was instead of a genie, a mermaid dispensed them. See, I put a little twist in the scenario. Very clever. Anyway, my first wish went as follows:

Me: Ok, my first wish is for you to get stuck in the drain again, but this time no one rescues you and you die, tangled up in pubic hair and soap scum.

After the mermaid explained to me that due to the nature of the wish, it would be impossible for her to grant me the next two, I replied:

Me: We'll save that one for last, then. I guess I just figured all the wishes would take effect after I placed them. Anyway, let's move on. Why didn't Luke Warm pull that little girl out of the freezing water after she fell through the ice last March?

Obviously, this is strange and probably funny only to me, but I had nothing better to do, so I kept going with it.


Mermaid: He didn't want to get involved.

Me: I knew it! I tried to convince myself that he let her drown because he had a bad back, or something, but I guess I was just making excuses for him. Ok, well why didn't I help her?

Mermaid: Your deeper self knew that this was a test for Luke Warm and that, even though it's in your nature to be a hero, you shouldn't interfere. It was unfortunate that he was unable to overcome his cowardice. That little girl's family suffers greatly to this day and will continue to for the rest of their lives. Unless, of course, you use one of your wishes to erase that event from the annals of time, and thus put an end to their suffering.

I chose not to regard the mermaid's suggestion and went into even stranger territory by making my next wish involve Luke Warm having orgasms every time he saw someone in any kind of pain or sorrow. I don't know where that one came from. Anyway, I present it to you as it was written:

Me: Ok, I wish for Luke Warm to have the most exquisite, pleasurable, and explosive orgasm every time he sees someone suffering. When he sees a baby cry, a dog kicked, a loved one tortured, a child being bullied-- I want him to cum. That will show him.


Why all the hostility towards Luke Warm? You've got me. Maybe it has something to do with him being too much of a Mary to save a girl from drowning. Uh, yeah, that part actually happened.

Things took on a spiritual bent after that, with the mermaid going on about karmic debt and soul development. That was when I decided to abandon the post. It was just too much to deal with at that point. Sometimes you got to know when to fold 'em.

A few times I've been around that track, so it's not just gonna happen like that, because I aint no hollaback girl

After taking a forced hiatus from running the past week and a half, I thought my return to the pavement last night was going to be rough going. Surprisingly, I had one of the better runs I've ever had. I think the fact that I had increased my yoga workouts during my time away from running made the difference. I am now more powerful than you can imagine. I can run faster, jump higher, sleep longer, and take a quicker shower than all of you. Do not fuck with me.
--
Last night, I made some progress with a new song I've been working on. I was able to sew two pieces I wasn't sure would go together into a nice little weave. Worked splendidly, I'm happy to report. Part of what I enjoy about writing is throwing arbitrary pieces together and having the outcome sound seamless and organic. That's the goal, at least. Now I just need to add some lyrics to the mix and I'll be on my way. And don't worry, this song is most assuredly about you. How could it be otherwise?
--
Bill owes me two hundred dollars and I don't think he means to pay me. When Kim started work about a month ago, Bill took to her like Miami Cubans took to little Elian Gonzalez. It was actually kind of endearing to see Bill, this disheveled, potty-mouthed 52 year old, act like a love-struck twelve yr old around her. I knew he meant business when he showed up one day with his hair combed back and wearing clean clothes.

"What are you doing here on your day off?", I asked him.

"Oh, nothing. I was in the area and figured I'd stop by."

I knew exactly why he had showed up, but I was having fun. "Wow, Bill, you look dashing! Your hair's all slicked back and it looks like you shaved. What's the occasion?"

Disregarding my question, Bill asked if Kim was working. I told him that, regrettably, Kim was not working.

"Aw, fuck, I shaved for her and everything", he exclaimed.

"Well", I responded with a barely suppressed smile, "I guess it doesn't matter anyway, considering you have a girlfriend and all."

"She's not really my girlfriend; she's more like a cell mate", he said.

Bill has been with his "cell mate" for over four years and I gently reminded him of that. He said he was going to go after Kim anyway. Having spoken to her about it already, I knew Kim wanted nothing to do with Bill romantically, whether he was in a relationship or a swinging single.

Over the next week, Bill flirted with Kim incessantly and to unintentional humorous effect. For some reason, Bill was of the belief that Kim had no idea he was in a relationship, even though he had repeatedly mentioned his girlfriend in front of Kim. When I mentioned her in front of Kim, Bill claimed I threw him under the bus and reduced his chances with her.

"Hey, if you bring your "A" game to the table, you should be able to overcome that tiny obstacle", I told him.

"Don't worry", he said, "I'll get her to go out with me. I'll take her out to dinner this Wednesday on her day off."

"Whatever you say, Bill", I said.

"You don't believe me, do you? I'll bet you two hundred dollars that it'll happen."

"I don't want to take your money", I said.

"Let's bet. Or are you afraid?".

"Bill", I replied, " I'm not a betting man, but this will be like stealing medication from a little old lady who lives by herself in a crummy little apartment. Not only will I take this bet, I will do so eagerly."

We shook on it, but in my experience a handshake is hardly binding, so I didn't fully expect him to pay up when the time came. But I did know with absolute certainty that I would not lose the bet. I told Bill that I would take Kim out to dinner with my winnings. And on the same night he planned on taking her out.

When Bill asked Kim out, she rejected his offer, stating that she doesn't date coworkers. That was that. When I hit Bill up for the money, he claimed the bet was never on because of my throwing him under the bus about his girlfriend. What a cop out. Just to spite him, I'm thinking of taking Kim out to dinner anyway.
--
Someone I know just lost her father, which I'm sure has been a devastating experience. I don't know how it's done, what the etiquette is, but I ask those of you reading this to send a prayer, thought, or whatever, her way. Could be hard when you don't know who it is you're reaching out to, but just forget about all that and do it. I'm still not completely sure how the universe works, but I'm pretty sure this could help.
--
I'm tempted to get some sushi tonight. I've been impressed with the sushi department at Shaws and even though I just had some last night, I might go for a little round two action. Or, I may scrap that lame idea and have a gingerbread house instead. I'm not kidding around, by the way. If I was joking , you would have seen a LOL, or perhaps a ROTFL. If I see a gingerbread house at the store, I will buy and eat it. This, I swear to you and my word is bond.

On that note, I'm gone, baby, gone.

Over and over, we flatten the clover

I was talking with my sister last night about how she and my brother in law met and subsequently got married. I'd heard the story before, but I like to hear her retell it because I think it's a fine story and like an exceptional film or piece of music, it illustrates that beneath the often dull veneer of the daily grind, there is some kind of magic at play in our world which we still know so little about. It's good to be reminded of that every once in a while.

My sister had been single for a while. Her last boyfriend proved to be an asshole (something I had always felt, but took her a while to realize) and left her bitter and alone. She finished college and took a job teaching at a small school in a small town. Seeing that most of her coworkers were mostly older women, she feared that she would end up an old maid.

It didn't help that most of her friends had either settled down or moved away. I would try to console her (we had just entered the phase in our relationship where we actually got along), but to no avail. I had never seen her in such a funk.

She worked at the school for a month or two and adjusted to the environment. Her disposition had improved, but it was born from resignation. Rather than rebel against her new turn in life, she decided to embrace it. It was evident, though, that she would have preferred things to be different.

One day, a new teacher arrived at the school. He was introduced to my sister, and within a span of a few days, he asked her out. She agreed to go out with him and that night at dinner, she couldn't contain her excitement. Kate has never been prone to excitement. In spite of having a great sense of humor and robust laugh, for the most part she's a fairly introspective, quiet individual. It usually takes her a while to warm up to people. So, seeing her practically giddy at the dinner table that night was out of the ordinary. I wondered if her time being single had made her desperate.

Kate and Rich had been dating for a couple of weeks when she broke the news that they were engaged. My family was stunned. What was she thinking? Her previous relationships had been long ones and here she was engaged after two weeks and I still hadn't met Rich yet. This was so uncharacteristic of Kate, that I was starting to really believe that she had grown desperate and that her sense of perspective had gone cloudy. Still, though, I did my best to reserve judgement until I met Rich.

I got my chance a few days later. He came by to pick her up and before he arrived, I discovered I was predisposed to dislike the guy. I guess I wasn't doing such a good job at reserving judgement. I was suspicious, to be sure, about a guy who, after knowing someone for only a couple of weeks, asked her to marry him. I worried that he was a con artist and didn't want my sister to get hurt. My worries were allayed when he walked in the door.

I couldn't help but like Rich the moment I met him. If he was a con artist, he was a damn good one. He was so easy going and relaxed; I could see why my sister took to him so quickly. The two of them sat with me at the kitchen table and told me the story of how he proposed to her.

They had been dating for a couple of weeks and things were going exceptionally well. One day while Kate was addressing her kindergartners, Rich walked into the room with a bouquet of roses. He didn't say a word as he placed one on each of the children's desks. He then came to the head of the class and addressed the students.

He proceeded to tell them about love, about how two people can become so intertwined, so enraptured with each other, that spending the rest of their lives together is as natural a thing to do as laughing at a joke or enjoying a cookie. Love, he told them, is the basis of all existence. It's in every corner, every crack, under every rock, in the darkest of places. It's not always easy to spot, but it's there. Sometimes it will seem, especially when things aren't going very well, that it doesn't exist at all. But it's always there, and it will remind you of that fact when you least expect it.

"When I first came to this school", he said, "I didn't expect to find love. Chasing you guys around occupied all of my attention. No, I never in my wildest dreams could have predicted I'd be up here in front of you guys, with my knees shaking, about to ask the woman I absolutely cannot live without to marry me."

With that, Rich knelt before my sister and asked for her hand in marriage. Teary-eyed, she accepted and the children erupted in applause.

They got married the following June and then got divorced two months later. Okay, they never got divorced. They're still together ten years and four kids later. And they're still each other's best friend, still very much in love.

I keep that story in my memory like a picture in a wallet. I pull it out every once in a while and reflect upon it fondly.

Try to understand, I'm a magic man

I stayed at work until almost nine on Saturday. The lateness was due to a myriad of screw ups, at least two of which were masterminded by yours truly. I was all set to drive up to NH to meet up with Foley and Scott for a writing/recording session, but by the time I got home I was wiped and it was late. I rescheduled with Foley and hopefully nothing will come up to prevent our getting together. When I see him, I'm not going to be able to keep my hands off him. Scratch that--it's his wife I won't be able to keep my hands off. He can go to hell. But seriously....
--
Kreg is doing me a solid by recording some of my songs. The idea is to lay some tracks down in a casual, informal manner and see what happens. The good thing about this situation is that I live with Kreg, so I won't have to travel every time I want to record. I hope he's aware that I like to record in the nude with hookers sitting in the corner gazing at me with hunger and awe in their eyes. As most of you know, hookers don't run cheap, but you have to set a mood, and when all is said and done, Kreg will discover that his money was well spent. He is a good friend.
--
I had a good Thanksgiving; a solid A-. Went to my grandmother's house and I'm always glad I don't have a family that's a drag. Before my grandparents died on my mother's side, we used to all get together for the holidays and, let me assure you, it was no fun. These affairs were as formal as you could get short of wearing a suit and tie. It was like going to church. Great people, just a more subdued vibe. My dad's side of the family, however, treats get-togethers with a looseness I'm better suited for.


I spent much of the time on Thanksgiving talking about Curb Your Enthusiasm with my Uncle and my cousins. Throughout dinner, I framed my father again and again, for reasons that are beyond me. I spread a rumor around the table that he wasn't happy with the way my cousin Brian hogged all the mashed potatoes, which in actuality he kind of did; whenever someone at the other end of the table asked if we needed anything at our end, I'd tell them my father did, and it didn't take long before he was surrounded by bowls of food that he didn't request; and when my cousin Megan told me she didn't trust anyone who didn't like the Office, I told her my father absolutely despised the show, that he preferred Step by Step. My father loves The Office, but Megan didn't need to know that. From that moment on, she stayed clear of my dad, who was now untrustworthy in her eyes.

The rest of the day was enjoyable, if uneventful. I decided this year to try making my exit when other people do. The reasoning behind this was if I left with, say, my sister and her family, I'd be able to slip out of the house unnoticed and thus in a timely manner. It is so hard leaving my grandmother's house. Even when you've said goodbye to everyone, you still have to get by Nana, who is never in favor of anyone leaving her house. After answering a litany of questions concerning why you need to leave at that moment, you have to stick around while she assembles some leftovers for you to take. And once that's accomplished, once everything you've picked to take home with you has been wrapped up and put in a bag, you have to start the whole process of leaving all over again, because somehow, while all of this was going on, you discover to your puzzled lament that you've taken your coat off and someone has hung it back up in the closet. And the keys that you had in your hand, the ones that showed everyone that you weren't kidding about leaving, have gone missing. So, you've got to start the whole process over again: get your coat, find your keys, make the rounds and say goodbye as everyone gives you a puzzled look, wondering why you're still there, then go over to Nana and hope this time you'll be granted permission to leave. Not a guarantee it will happen, though. She'll always find a reason to keep you there, and I guess I wouldn't have it any other way. Below are some of the failed methods I've used to make my exit.

--I once pulled out a gun and bellowed " If anyone tries to stop me from leaving, I will shoot you in the fucking teeth!!

--I pulled my pants down in front of everyone and said " Either I get me something sloppy in the next thirty seconds, or my ass is out the door!"

--I said to Nana, "Look, before I leave, I'd like to talk to you about some pretty serious issues I'm dealing with right now. And by pretty serious, I mean pretty damn serious. Suicide serious." (That actually worked really well. I was out of there light lightning. She practically shoved me out the door. I could only use that method once, though)

--I once stood in the middle of the room, demanded silence, and started reading some of my high school poetry out loud. Turned out, everyone loved it! Maybe I am the great American poet, like everyone always said I was.

---

Ok, I'm off to greener pastures. I'm feeling good about something today and I hope the feeling grows into something even better. Ta Ta, children of the night.

You'll never know how much I really love you, you'll never know how much I really care

Maybe it's the weather, but I'm not feeling very festive. Could be that I'm still sick; could be that my work doesn't fulfill me; that I'm lonely; that I'm..... Enough. Hardly in the spirit of Thanksgiving to carry on like that, but I don't give too much of a fuck. I'm not going to pretend my life is shaped differently than it is, but I will, because tomorrow is the holiday and because perspective can be an ally in this game of life, focus on what I have to be thankful for.



--As far as I know, I don't have cancer or Aids or Sars or Hepatitis. Not too shabby.



--I am in possession of all four of my limbs. No wood chipper has bested me yet.



--My Celtics PS2 team with Baron Davis at guard just won the championship.



--I woke up laughing this morning. First off, in a dream I was getting a massage from my Brazilian girlfriend, which you can't beat, and next thing you know, someone gives me a calendar. It was called "Apartment Boys" and my roommate Rich was featured prominently in it. What made me laugh was a pic of him laying seductively on a bear-skin rug. He was wearing a pair of worn out and not very tighty whities. For that matter, they weren't that "whitey" either, but I digress. He wore nothing else, save a glass of bourbon(?) in his hand. I found the image to be humorous, so I woke up laughing. I'm going to look for for that calendar in the mall next week. Maybe it's real.



--Werner Herzog's "Rescue Dawn" is out on DVD.



--The Celtics have a winning record and Kevin Garnett.



--I haven't been laid in a while, but I am masturbating more. I don't know if that's necessarily true--about the masturbating, I mean--but it felt like the right thing to say.



--I'm a big fan of sneezing and my two roommates are serious motherfuckers when it comes to that. As a bonus, Rich has an endearing cough, and the sound Craig makes when he clears his throat is something to behold. Music to my ears.



--Just found out there's going to be an "Extras" Christmas special.



--Yoga



--Trader Joe's sushi. The combo pack, portabella mushroom, wasabi shrimp, Cajun shrimp--- each so satisfying I could eat them all every day, twice a day for two years straight. I am not even joking.



--Naomi Wolf, Ron Paul, David Ray Griffin, Jim Marrs, Peter Dale Scott, Alex Jones,Naomi Klein, Cindy Sheehan, Webster Tarpley,Keith Obermann, Sibel Edmonds: embodiments of patriotism in it's truest sense.



--mint chocolate chip ice cream. The best of the best.



--I haven't been in prison.



--My parents. Over the years, especially my formative ones, we've had our differences, to put it mildly. However, there was always some sweet to go along with the sour, and nowadays it's mostly sweet. I genuinely get along with my parents these days and if I ever feel unloved, all I need to do is look to my parents to be proven otherwise.



--And I suppose I've got some good friends, too.



So things aren't so bad. I just wish they were better. Significantly better.

This whole town is filled with sin, it'll swallow you in

Had one of those dreams last night that should be filed under "meaningful", but I've forgotten enough of it to not be able to extract much meaning from it. Suffice it to say, it involved my parent's basement, which in my dreams doubles nicely as my subconcious/youth/whatever, and my beloved dog of years ago, Mandy. I'll stop there because sharing the emotional impact of the dream would be an exercise in futility. Just know that it was sad and I miss my girl.

I feel a little better today, but the way this illness has played out thus far, I'm not getting too excited. For all I know, I'll break into a fever in the next hour and have to be hospitalized. I am very much ready to move on.

It's a dreary day and it snowed most of the morning. I've been listening a lot to the new Sigor Ros and it's a perfect compliment to this weather. They're one of the most unnoticed bands out there, but they're one of my favorites. Between the made up language, the sonic landscapes, and the whale song vocals--oh, and the fact that they're from Iceland--people don't know what to make of them, which I kind of like because they're not made for the masses.

That music project I hinted at a blog or two ago, looks like it will happen. It started with Foley asking me if I'd lay some vocals over some of his stuff, and perhaps some guitar as well. He just bought a bunch of recording gear and he's looking to shore up his unrecorded songs. He offered to record some of my stuff as well. Basically, the idea is to collaborate. I talked to my friend Scott, one of my favorite musicians, and I brought him into the mix. This is going to be interesting. I'm thrilled.

Now we're going to be face to face, and I'll lay right down in my favorite place

My cold has found its groove and has not abated. Every time I think I'm getting better, I'm hit with a bout of fatigue or congestion settles into my head. I didn't do much of anything today, but I feel wiped out. I feel out of touch with everything and can not wait to get better. I did some yoga without passing out in exhaustion. It's a start.

I'm too tired to even write. And it's not even seven o'clock yet. There's nothing for it but to get in bed and watch a film and do some reading. I woke up this morning and couldn't get back to sleep, so I put my ipod on and floated off to some Gram Parsons. Then, when I woke up again, I switched to some George Jones and Tammy Wynette. The way I was feeling, I should have kept that up all day and never got out of bed.

With that, I will curl up under the blankets and wait this sonofabitch cold out.

Heaven help the people who aint loving

Rich and I, two recovering cold sufferers, went to Tags today in Porter Square to get some supplies for the house. Fluorescent bulbs for the kitchen, Draino for the bathroom, a filter for the heater, and a plastic ceiling panel to replace the one I broke while taking out the old light bulbs. As we were leaving the store, I suffered a terrible dilemma: they were handing out slices of cake, but as I was carrying the panel, which required the use of both hands, I couldn't get a piece. I suppose I could have put the panel down and had some cake, but I didn't because A) the panel was flimsy and as was evidenced earlier back at the house, easily breakable. I had grabbed the last one, and if it broke, well..... and B) Rich wanted to get going and showed no interest in the cake. What stings about the whole affair is that the cake looked really good. It appeared moist and the frosting was old school, none of that whipped cream artificial sweetener shit. If only things could have been different.
--

Elliot Smith, when asked what he thought Heaven was like, said, among other things, that George Jones would be singing all the time. I've been listening to a lot of the George Jones/Tammy Wynette duets and I hope Elliot is right. The man can sing! And Tammy's no slouch either. Their voices go together so well.
--

I'm excited about a new music project that's in the works. I won't go into details yet so as not to jinx it, but I'm almost positive it's going to come to fruition. And sooner than later. I'll keep you posted.

I'm so tired, I don't know what to do

I'm getting over my cold, but I still feel run down. It doesn't help that I'm manning the fort by myself at work. I figured it would be a slow day, but so far it's been pretty busy. A lot of walk-ins have come by looking for tables and chairs. The one truck rental I had turned out to be disastrous. The guy who rented the truck looked a bit like a dwarf from Middle Earth in a red neck's attire. First, every truck I put him in turned out to be Local's , which I couldn't rent to him because he was headed to Nashville. And then his credit card wouldn't go through. He was here twice as long as he should have been. The grand finale was when he smashed into a parked car as he was leaving. He apparently didn't feel the impact and kept going.

I walked over to the little Portuguese restaurant next door to see if the owner of the car was there, and indeed he was. The police stopped by and got all the pertinent information. John, the guy in the Penske truck, called while this was happening, so I transferred him over to the cop. He just showed up to fill out an accident report. I feel bad for the guy. He wasn't covered for the accident, so it looks like he'll have to pay out of his pocket. And the guy he hit barely speaks a lick of English. I hope they have someone translate, otherwise it will be tough going exchanging information.


I'm debating whether I should go out tonight. I'm itching to get out of the house, but I don't know how much energy I'll have. Being sick left my head foggy, but certain things became clear. Like how I need to change some things. I'm not living a balanced, joyful life. Whatever joy I get is in the form of scraps the wind blows at my feet. I've let circumstances dictate too much of my life and I need to change that. As discouraged as I am that I'm still struggling with issues I should have long ago overcome, I'm hopeful that better days are ahead of me. I have a decent foundation and, with a little bit of courage and perseverance, I could soon be on the path to my own personal greatness. Surprisingly enough, none of what I just wrote came from a self help book, though it may seem so. Nope, I'm my own life coach, bitches.

I'm ithcing to hear the Gram Parsons/Flying Burrito Brothers live album that was just released. I hear the quality is pristene and, given that there's scant live stuff of theirs that is available, this could prove to be a treasure. The cd comes with two discs that documents two shows. Both were shows they played with the Grateful Dead. I may have to go get this one.

Killing the blues

Feeling better today, though I still have a good amount of fatigue, a cough, and a stuffy nose. Beats the leaky faucet of a nose I had to deal with all of last night. I hesitate to say more, considering last time I declared myself fit, I was assaulted brutally from behind by this nefarious cold.

Watched the last couple of Curb Your Enthusiasm on On demand last night and I was enormously pleased that Larry ended up with Vivica A. Fox. I didn't see it coming, which is a monumental achievement for a comedy, but it made perfect sense. Great way to end a season. Hope there'll be another.

Maybe it's because I'm ill, but I've been feeling a little blue this past week. I'm pretty sure why---it's a combination of a few things--- but I'm sure once this cold is gone, I'll have a sunnier outlook.

May as well give another shout out. I'm thinking of making it a regular feature in this journal. Maybe devote every Friday to it. Hmm, maybe not. I'll have to think about it. Regardless of whether that happens, I'll say a hello to Michelle. I received your comment on Myspace, but I'm afraid I'll forget to reply, so I'll play it safe and reply here, while it's on my mind. Of course, there's the possibility you won't read this (perish the thought!), and if you aren't, I'll at least have my response to you documented in case you ever accuse me of not responding to your greeting.

I'm tossing around the idea of seeing Beowulf. Part of me thinks I'll find it to be disappointing, that I'll find the Playstation 3 graphics to be cheesy. Years ago, when I heard they were making this film, I was excited. I read that the sets and costumes were on par, if not better, than those on Lord of the Rings. Because I read fantasy novels, I like to watch films of the same genre; they provide visual ideas for what I'm reading. Like with the novels, there are more shitty medieval/fantasy films than there are good ones. Beowulf looked like it was going to something special. That is , until I heard it was going to be all CG. Who knows, it still could be good. Ray Winstone, John Malcovitch, Angelina Jolie, Anthony Hopkins, and Crispin Glover are certainly not sub par actors. At the very least, there should be some good acting, even if it's only their voices the actors are providing.

Sick again

I spoke to soon about feeling better. You know, I knew in the back of my mind not to celebrate my recovery, that I was probably just experiencing the eye of the storm. I went ahead and did it anyway, and by gum, not long after that I suffered an all out assault from this asshole virus. Should have kept my mouth shut, but what are you going to do.

Consequently, my head weighs sixty pounds right now and and my nose is so stuffed up an atom wouldn't be able to traverse my nasal passages unimpeded. I gave work a shot, but between people telling me to leave lest I infect them and my inability to summon even the slightest amount of energy to do my job effectively, coming home and resting was the only option for me. So, I made my juice and will take it easy. I will read and sleep and watch a movie and sleep and go online and sleep and have some juice and sleep and .........well, you get the idea.

I will not retract my earlier statement about fighting this dastardly cold. I am more pissed at it than ever, especially after it tricked me into making me think I was getting better. What a son of a bitch!! It hasn't seen the last of me.

I don't want to be like those lobbying eyes

I've returned for another post. Two in one day--aren't you lucky? What's the occasion, you may be asking yourself? Does there have to be an occasion, I ask rhetorically? I guess I'm writing again because of two main reasons: I forgot to relate an excessively minor car accident I was in last night and I want to share the news that, aside from some fatigue, I'm feeling markedly better. And I noticed that at the end of my previous post, I wrote about an unresistable woman. Uh, let's change that to irresistible, shall we? Oh, and the final reason I've returned for another post is to give a shout out---my first ever!--- to my peep Janelle. I just want to tell you I've been thinking of you and look forward to getting together. I suppose I could have communicated with you in another way, say by picking up a phone, or sending off an email, but doing so in this format is better than all of that---it's monumental! I can only imagine how honored you must feel.

The car accident was ironic. For a good chunk of the day yesterday, between bouts of pretending I wasn't sick, I was on the phone with two different car insurance companies, trying to file a claim on behalf of one of my drivers, who was in an accident early last month. All I had to work with was a half-filled out police report written by Al, who is no longer with the company, and the foggy memory of Larry, the passenger in the truck at the time of the accident. The day ended with a guy from Safety Insurance coming by to take pictures of the truck in the dark.

A few minutes later, I was on the same road the accident took place and wouldn't you know it, I got into a scrape. And when I say scrape, I mean that literally, though that may be putting it a little too harshly. Without going into detail, the front right side of my car rubbed up against a van that had just snuck into my lane. I barely felt anything (that begs a "that's what she said" response, but I'm beyond such inanities) and when, further up the road away from traffic, I pulled up behind the van to inspect the damage to our vehicles, it was apparent that the worst that happened was a little scuff.

The guy, while stating over and over that he's not a vain man and didn't care if his van was scratched up, told me he wanted me to foot the bill for whatever work needed to be done. It'll be barely anything, he told me. Yeah, so why not pay for it yourself, I thought. Anyway, I'm going to find out in the coming days how we're going to proceed. Nothing like getting sick and into an accident on the same day to make a guy happy. Hell, it all could have been so much worse, so I'll stop my griping.

Soon, I'm going to do some recording with Foley. It'll be good to see him again; it's been too long. It looks like I'll be putting some vocals over some of his stuff, as well as some guitar, in addition to recording some of my own stuff. I look forward to it.

Ok, time to see if the C's can extend their winning streak to seven games. I'm telling you the absolute truth when I say this: whenever I feel uncertain about something, scared, lazy, whatever--- I think of Kevin Garnett and how he'd handle it. And, of course, when I think of KG, I can't imagine him letting any of that shit getting to him. No, sir-ee! That motherfucker is the baddest-ass , most intense, guy you're going to come across, who, and I'll stake a puppy's life on it, will never, ever accept defeat. I'm serious, watch a Celtics game, any Celtics game, and pay attention to KG, which will not be hard to do, and you'll see what I mean. They could be playing the worst team in the league, be up by eighty points, and you'll still see KG going ape shit.

Oh, let the sun beat down upon my face

Ok, I admit, I'm sick. I won't, however, let my illness lounge around in my body rent free. No, I am not taking too kindly to this bully and will not go down without a fight. As far as colds go, this one, so far, is pretty mild. Rich has been home all week with his. If mine doesn't become more intense, I should be able to manage going to work.

Had a restlessness night. I'd sleep for a couple of hours, wake up for a spell, and repeat the cycle. My throat hurt so badly that when I'd wake up thirsty, I'd have to toss the juice I was drinking down my throat without using any of it's muscles. It feels better today, but for a while there I thought I was going to have to extract it with a pair of tongs.

Every Wednesday Kim has a day off, and, of course, Wednesday is the busiest day of the week, except for Saturday, another of Kim's day's off. So, I'm left to hold down the fort and on a day like today, when I'd rather be in bed, it's not an enjoyable experience. Already, I've gotten into an argument with a woman about an invoice and my voice was so froggy, I could barely get out a sentence. Good times.

Even though I was coming down with a cold, I went running after work. I did this, not to be some kind of tough guy, but because A.) I was actually up for it, and B.) I knew that, if I was indeed coming down with something, that I'd be out of commision for a while. Well, I was right, at least as far as tonight is concerned. No way am I doing anything that requires movement. Unless, by some strange development, I'm offered sex by an unresistable woman. Only in my sleep, I'm afraid, will that happen.

Ok, my body is throbbing right now, and not in a good way. I need to close my eyes for a moment and regroup.

I was alone, I took a ride, I didn't know what I would find there

Woke up with a scratchy throat. Uh oh! Well, Karen has been sick and so has Rich, so maybe it stands to reason that I may be coming down with something. I hope not. I'm going to fight it, if there indeed is an"it". It's too early in the season to be sick. But no, I'm not sick, nor am I becoming sick, so there is nothing to talk about here.

Last night I decided to do some yoga, even though I had given myself the day off from any form of exercise. I did it because, well, it felt good to do it. I was feeling a bit unbalanced and what better way to get back on track than to do some yoga? It was a good session and afterward I felt in tune the universe. Well, maybe not the universe, but my body felt pretty good.

Later, I watched a Webster Tarpley lecture on Google but fell asleep half way through it. Too bad, it was better than I thought it would be. Loose Change comes out on dvd today. Don't know if I'll pick up a copy or not. I'm tempted.

Ok, my throat is still scratchy and my chest feels a bit tight and hot. Maybe.......No,no,no! Enough with this talk of being sick. I am a vision of wellness. Let's move on.
--
As I stated yesterday, I need to schedule a trip back to earth, but damn, it's been difficult! What has she done to me? I think I've been drugged. Yes, that is precisely what's happened. It's the only explanation for my behavior. What else could it be? Sure, I've been into women before, and thought upon them fondly and dreamy-like, but this is something else, and if I wasn't so caught up in it, I'd be embarrassed for myself.

Anyway, in all seriousness, even though she hasn't been all-pervasive in my thoughts, I do need to forcibly put a stop to thinking about her. At least not as much as I have been. It's not healthy, least of all because this situation may very well end up badly for me. There's a voice within me, though, that counsels patience, that believes she and I will eventually be together. That, even though it may sometimes seem otherwise, she knows this, too, and is receptive to it happening. This is the voice that throws logic, odds, percentages, whatever, out the window.

Understandably, this voice does not hold much sway in my thoughts. Usually, that is. Regarding the situation I'm in, it will not shut the fuck up. It's a crap shoot, and this voice loves crap shoots, whether down the road I'll say to it, "you magnificent bastard, you were right all along!" or "see what happens when I listen to you, you little shit?". Ah, but it's pulling for me to come out on top, to experience a part of life I've gone too long without experiencing. Even if nothing comes of this, I can't really fault the little guy for trying.
--
It's starting to clear up outside. And it's warmer than I expected it would be. I hope it stays that way later on so I can go for a run in comfort. I will go for a run because as I mentioned earlier, I'm not coming down with anything, I am not sick. I am a healthy son of a bitch. And that's the way it will stand.

Losing your mind for the sake of your heart

I've got to get a hold of myself; bring it back down to earth. I need to do this because I'm caught up in a fever, a swoon, and it's not waning.

I thought it would.


I have never, ever been in this position before (sorry for being vague, but I'm sure you can tell what's up) and despite my best efforts, I'm having a hard go at finding perspective. Maybe returning to work tomorrow will help me out in that department.
--

Today was a bleary, cold day. I don't feel like I accomplished much. I went to see my dad and help him take his A/C out of his window. We do this every year. The thing is a monster! He filled me in about my grandmother, who's having some health issues. She's almost ninety and not as spry as she used to be. I feel like I should be more involved with helping her out. She only lives a town or two over from me. She's the only grandparent I have left and I haven't been as close to her as her other grandchildren. I don't know why that is.
--

I'm off to finish watching "A Very Long Engagement", a film I've always been fond of. After that, I'll have a go at a song I've been trying to finish. As always, I'll work on lyrics begrudgingly, like a kid forced to eat his vegetables.

I hear the cavalry of light!

Karen and I fired Al on Friday. She had gone to the gas station where he had gone to fill up his tank with her credit card and saw him caught in the act on film. As it turns out, he'd been doing draining her card for months and months. Seventy dollars a pop to fill his tank! So, when she arrived at work to confront Al, she was pretty fired up.

When he was confronted, Al tried feebly at first to declare his innocence, but when Karen told him about watching him on camera, he shut up quickly. His only response throughout the rest of the dressing down was to look down at the counter. Until, that is, Karen got in his face and said "Look at me when I'm talking to you! If you're going to steal from me, the least you can do is look me in the eye. He was only able to hold her gaze for a few seconds before his eyes retreated to the safe confines of the counter top. After telling him to leave the building and to never come back, Karen shook her head and said to him, " You didn't have to do it, Al. I gave you cash advances anytime you asked. I even let you pay your phone bill with my credit card." Al had no response and walked out solemnly. Earlier in the day, Al kept asking me if could let him leave early. I told him I'd see what I could do, knowing full well of course he'd be leaving early, never to return.
--

Thursday night, Amanda and I dug up some Air Supply videos on Youtube and then performed our own rendition of "Lost in Love". We gave it a country twang and with some more practice, we'll be performing it live in no time. We watched The Office afterward and then fooled around on my laptop. Once again, I had a great time with her and laughed myself close to the pissing my pants point on more than one occasion.
--

Luke Warm came by last night and he, Kreg, Rich, and I watched the Celtics put another victory notch in their belt, making them the only undefeated team in the NBA. And they beat a very good team in the Nets. I know it's still early in the season, but, man they look damn good.
--

Finished my morning yoga a while ago and now I'm off for a run. It's a nice day and I'm going to take advantage of it.

I'll sleep through the rest of my days

Went to Luke Warm's show at Johnny D's last night and it was refreshing. The opening performer (never caught his name) was a great guitarist who played a different acoustic instrument every song. He reminded me quite a bit of John Fahey. Luke Warm played in support of his trumpeter friend Eric and it was a good set of In a Silent Way era improv. In addition to Eric and Luke Warm, there was a throat singer, an upright bassist, another guitarist, and some guy who looked like an aging D&D dungeon master who played a little bit of everything. I don't often listen to improv music, but this was so cohesive you would have thought it was well rehearsed. Now, as far as improv comedy goes.......BOOOOOOOO!!!!!

Had a strange dream last night that had me in combining work and a social activity. I was at my friend Michelle's cabin somewhere in the woods with about ten other people. And during my stay there, I'd somehow "beam" myself and whoever in the group wished to help, over to my job to manage my crew and get orders out. It was a little frustrating because I was tired and wanted to relax at the cabin. I finally got to do that later in the day. I crawled into bed with Michelle, snuggled up with her and a dog that was staying there and drifted off. Thanks, Michelle.

I have today off and I don't know what I'm going to do beyond taking a run and doing some yoga later on. I suppose I should get some groceries and I should look into getting some warmer running clothes. Last night, I thought I was going to freeze to death out there.

Before I headed out to the show last night, I watched the Celtics absolutely annihilate the Nuggets. It should have been a close game; the Nuggs are loaded with talent; Carmello Anthony, Allen Iverson, Marcus Camby, and Kenyon Martin are premier players in the league. They didn't seem that way last night. The C's executed play after artful play all night. The difference I saw between the two teams was teamwork. The C's were playing the "We" game and the Nuggs were locked into the "Me" game. This Celtics team, even if they bomb the rest of the season, has already given me more joy than the previous three seasons combined. Now, if only the Patriots would start playing well, we'd have a great sports town.

We're so happy and it's how we're going to stay

I'm a little tired today. I think daylight savings has messed up my equilibrium. Or, it could be I'm tired because I went to sleep later than usual. It's ok, I have enough pep to get me through the day.

Amanda came by last night and if I've said it before, it bears repeating: she is one of the funnest, funniest people I've ever met. I don't know many, if any, people who would look up video clips of Ellen Degeneres and guests dancing on Ellen's show with me as if it were one of the most important things a person could do. I could go on about this wonderful person, but I've got to make this post a brief one.

We had some Thai food for dinner and while we ate I probed her about her harrowing encounter with meningitis. After hearing her tale, I decided I never want to get meningitis. I'd thought about trying it out before, but now.......no way!

Kreg stopped by after work to drop off a nice microwave cart for the kitchen. We're going to use it more as an all purpose counter/table. We used to have a table in the kitchen when Spira lived at the house, but she took it with her when she moved, which sucked, because there was no where to prep food or put bags of groceries on. Our kitchen had spiraled into the dark ages and I'm happy to report its emergence back into the light. Good work, Kreg.

Luke Warm is playing in Davis Sq. tonight and I'll probably stop by and check it out. He's playing an improv set with his a few of his friends. Should be interesting. I have reasons not to go, but in the end, going is a no-brainer.
--

Al, one of my drivers at work, has been using the company credit card to put gas in his car. Gio had told Karen a while back that Al had been doing this, but yesterday she had confirmation. She was notified that there was activity on the card by her credit card company and she discovered that it was used at a gas station by Al, who was being filmed on security cameras. She plans on getting the police involved. So, Al, you fucked up and you're going to lose your job and face charges. Too bad---I've always felt affection for him and I think he's a good person, just misguided. Well, he knew the risks and now he'll suffer the consequences.

--
I've been playing phone tag with Foley for so long now, I'll probably pass out in shock if I ever get a hold of him. We're going on close to a month of nearly getting each other on the horn. I'm going to see if we can break the month mark. It would be special.
--

Despite the uncertainty the situation, I can't help thinking of her. If it denotes a weakness or immaturity, I guess I really don't care all that much. . I'm not obsessing over her, though it may appear to be the contrary, but thinking of her warms my bones and sometimes that's enough.

Try not to get worried, try not to turn on to, things that upset you

Rich got me again. Twice. I woke up this morning and as I headed down the stairs, I heard his bedroom door creak open ever so slowly---I think he tries to avoid detection---followed by the soft padding of his feet towards the bathroom, and then the bathroom door closing, right as I reached the bottom stair. I tightened the reins on my bowels and I made breakfast until I heard him skulk back to his lair.



After taking care of business, I poured my coffee and went upstairs. As I was closing my bedroom door, I heard his open again, creaking like a tomb. I waited to hear if he was making a second trip to the bathroom. He was. Oh, joy, I thought, by the time I'm ready to use the bathroom again, I'll need a dust mask.



In the end it wasn't so bad, and my morning wasn't ruined, though one of these days I'm going to get the upper hand.

--



Last night I had a dream in which I was at a party and heard my friend Rebecca's distinct laugh coming from another room. That was it. I woke up thinking about her---it's been a while since we last spoke---and went to her Myspace page so I could send her a message. When I got there, I realized that she had just celebrated her birthday the day before. Interesting. My dreams have been mildly prophetic lately. Let's see if the trend continues.



Well, I'm pretty certain at least one of my close friends has some kind of beef with me. Don't know to what degree, but something's up. I'm pretty sure another of my close friends is in the same boat. I'm not distraught over my observations because A) I'm not even sure there's anything tangible going on and B)if there is, I don't think it's due to anything particular; could be we just need time apart. Or, who knows, maybe I did something inconsiderate that was taken personally and I don't have a clue as to what it is.

Don't know if I'll be able to squeeze a run in after work. Amanda's dropping by when she gets out of work, which is about the same time I leave, so, unless I make it a quick one, it probably won't happen. I skipped a run yesterday in favor of yoga, which was one of the better sessions I've had. I'm starting to become all stretchy-like.

Ok, back to the grind.

The song it was long and there was more to be sung

It came upon me to wonder today why it's so damn difficult, why I can't even get my foot in the door with her, and almost every other woman I've set my sights on. I know I've lamented my misfortune plenty of times here before and I've never gained any insights from it, save that I seemed to be locked in some pattern that doesn't, as a general rule, allow for a woman I'm interested in to have reciprocal feelings, but fucking hell---what gives?

A woe is me diatribe is what I seek to avoid, and believe me, if that's what I've been engaging in, I'm sorry to have exposed you to it. However, I don't want to sugarcoat my feelings, either. I've tried, in various ways, to frame my experience in a rational, if not positive, light. And if I've not always been successful, well, can you blame me? What I'm going through, what I've gone through, is fairly unique in the human experience, or more aptly, in the experience of those lodged in this particular societal framework. I'm referring of course to the span of time surrounding the experience and not so much the experience itself. I am not happy to be in this position. It is a battle to not feel unworthy, emasculated, and shamed. However, I'd like to think it's a battle I've come out on top of more often than not. So, let's not linger on the these debilitating feelings any longer, lest they gain power over me.

The more objective part of me, if that is even possible, sees the situation from an outside looking in perspective and roots for me to succeed. It doesn't behold a lowly creature, who by dint of his poor social skills and awful appearance, is expected to have trouble with women. No, it recognizes a man who, though not terribly handsome, is not unpleasant in appearance and whose social skills are in the neighborhood of above average, his general awkwardness notwithstanding. This objectivity, or something close enough to it, is what gives me perspective.

So, before I end this, I should point out that whether it's resignation or resolve that spawned it, I don't feel a bit uncomfortable at once again exposing a side of myself that ordinarily wouldn't have seen the light of day. Perhaps by laying myself bare, I'll have disrupted the pattern that has left me loveless, that has denied me one of the fundamental gifts of life for far too long. Perhaps, around the corner, there is a woman awaiting me who will make all the frustration, sadness, and puzzlement worth it.

Perhaps.

Um Sonho

Just finished with yoga and when I'm done with this, I'm going for a run. It's a good looking day and, after last night's tempest, I'm looking forward to being outside. There's a big football game on today, but the Celtics are also playing. What to do? When in doubt, go with the Celtics. C'mon, it's KG, Ray Allen, and the Truth--that's must see tv. Of course, even as far as die-hard C's are concerned, the Patriots/Colts game is the only game in town today. I haven't even checked the times yet; maybe I'll get to see both games.

Last week a nice Brazilian couple came in to the shop and I took the opportunity, something I'd been meaning to do for a couple of days after an epiphany, to ask them if they knew of a Brazilian music store around town. I explained that I'd been looking for some old Caetano Veloso cd's, but they were hard to find, and if found, were expensive. They knew of a place a few miles from my house and I was grateful for the tip. The guy, I forget his name, told me Veloso was playing in the city in a few days and would get back to me with the details. Sure enough, he called me a couple of days later and let me know the show was on Friday (which I missed, unfortunately). Yesterday, he and his girlfriend came in to pick up their order and he gave me a mix cd of Brazilian music. Very nice, very thoughtful. Makes living on the planet more tolerable when you meet people like that.

I didn't go out last night, despite my intentions to. I called Spira but she wasn't around and never called me back. I ordered some chinese food and watched Curb Your Enthusiasm on On Demand and, before I knew it, it was around ten o'clock. Guess I'm not going out now, I thought. I wasn't too bummed about the development because I was pretty tired after a long work week and, besides, it was absolutely crummy weather outside.

Watching the The Office (UK) again on dvd has been a marvelous education in comedy for me. Ricky Gervais and Stephen Merchant are geniuses and I hope they've got another series in the works because The Office and Extras are two of the best I've ever seen. It's incredible to me that Hollywood has a version of The Office that's on par with the original. Last week's episode was another top of the shelf episode.

Ok, I'm off to the races. I should use the privy before I go, but Rich has made the room inhabitable; he completely leveled it. It's why I have my bedroom door closed---whenever he takes a dump, the stench travels upstairs. I almost want to scold him for having a diet that consists of coffee, energy drinks, pizza, burritos, pizza, hot pockets, more energy drinks, pizza, and cheezits. It's not healthy for any of us. Maybe I'll rent out a port-a-potty for him and keep it in the driveway. We've got to find a way to contain his reign of excremental terror before it's too late.

I'm hooked on a feeling

I got out of work late last night and questioned whether I should go running. It didn't take me long to decide that I should; I needed to expend some energy and loosen up. It was a good run, despite the fact that two fucks in a car pulled out of a driveway enough to block my path on the sidewalk. They saw me coming and thought the whole thing was really funny. I didn't share their mirth, probably because I was about a foot away from taking a header onto the hood of the car. Moments later, I played out scenes in my head of harming them in various sinister ways that involved heavy, sharp objects. Let the punishment fit the crime, I say.

I hope today is a smooth one. If presented with obstacles, I will face them, but I'd prefer a day of placidity (is that even a word? If not, it should be). I have no idea what, if anything, is going on tonight. Maybe I'll hit a club or bar with some folks.

The Celtics crushed the Wizards in the opening game of the season last night. Gilbert Arenas, aka Agent Zero, had guaranteed a victory over the Celtics in his blog. He went on to add that the Celtics were old and would tire out as the game progressed. After the pounding his team took, maybe next time he should keep his thoughts to himself.

Sometimes I feel like I'm living in a wasteland. Many of the relationships I coveted for so long have been reduced to almost nothing. I don't see this as a result of ill will or anything like that. No, it's life and people move on. I still call these people friends and don't think any less of them, but, again, people move on. It happens in soft increments and it's only in hindsight that you realize how things have changed. Even though it may seem so, I'm not bitter or depressed about it. Granted, it's not a joyous thing to think upon, but you have to keep moving with the current or you'll drown. So maybe I should alter my earlier statement that my relationships have been reduced to almost nothing, because saying so insults the quality of them. They've been altered and I'll leave it that.

The above notwithstanding, I'm lucky to have any friends at all, asshole that I am. Now, if I could just fool the ladies into thinking I'm not a prick...

My car has been acting sluggish, a behavior I'm fairly alarmed about. Considering I just put close to a grand into it for new brakes, I'm not looking forward to having to devote anymore benjis for repairs. (benjis refers to money, by the way. Short for Benjamin Franklin. Can't believe you didn't know that)

Baby, you're a rich man

Yesterday was a good day. I had a decent turn at work, a funny online chat with Amanda, an energizing yoga session, a little quality time with Kreg, and my second book on werewolves arrived in the mail.


I also met a fine looking client who came by to review her order. She was a DM or an event planner---couldn't tell which; maybe both---for Sunoco. At some point during our conversation, it struck me that she was being flirty. I wasn't, at least not initially, because her arrival came at the very end of the day when all I wanted was to go home. I'll probably see or talk with her again and maybe I'll get a better read on the situation. Always takes some sleuthing, this business between men and women.



Had a steamy dream about my neighbor Lauren last night. Probably the result of her name coming up in conversation earlier in the evening, though the content of which was hardly sexual. Neither was the dream, now that I think of it. It was definitely sensual, but it rated no higher than PG-13.

Every morning when I wake up in the dark for work, one of my first thoughts is invariably and unexplainably about running and how lamentful it is that I'll being doing it later in the day. Of course, when it comes time to actually run, I'm eager to do it. Maybe my body, in its tired, morning slugishness believes it will remain in that condition for the entire day.

Work has been interesting. Today, I had a lot of challenges thrust before me, and I met them all and overcame them to varying degrees of success. For the most part, though, I felt good about my accomplishments. At the end of the day, I spoke to Karen on the phone, and she didn't exactly share my feelings. She took issue with a few of the ways I went about things. I wasn't looking for a stream of praise, but I also wasn't expecting my methods to be trodden upon. I didn't take it too personally---Karen's the same way with everyone---and continued to feel good about myself.

Let the spinning wheel ride

I got one of my werewolves books yesterday. It's called The Beast of Bray Road and it's an accounting of a strange wolf-like creature seen in Wisconsin in the early nineties. The creature was alleged to have dark brown fur, or hair, as many witnesses referred to it, and was often seen walking in bipedal fashion. Over twenty different witnesses came forward to report sightings over the span of a few years. Most of the people were credible and did their best to avoid any publicity. Something strange was definitely afoot.

After returning from a productive run last night, I had an uncomfortable hour or two where I felt uncomfortable in my own skin. Don't know what it was--maybe a trickle of anxiety or something I ate--but it wasn't pleasant. Maybe I had made my coffee too strong and the caffeine was warping my mind.

I've come to a better understanding with Gio. Now that it's slowing down a bit, and our crew is smaller, I've had more of a chance to get to know him better. He apologized for walking out on me all those times and over the last couple of weeks, he's been a model citizen. I hope it stays that way, especially considering it looks like the rest of my guys are thieves, incompetent, or both.

--

Over the last year or so, she's sent me various pictures of herself via the internet--nothing sexual, perverts--and I've saved them all in a folder on my computer. From time to time, I look at them and say things to myself like "Man, she's so pretty!" or "Am I acting like a sixteen year old, or what?". Really, though, I wonder if it's weird or invasive doing that. Or is it touching and sweet? I think it is, and I don't give a shit if it comes off as strange. What is strange, is that I'm sharing this information that should probably be kept to myself. Ah, maybe not so strange, if you think about it. Since I'm basically going this alone, not sharing my feelings with practically anyone, this is the only forum I have to be expressive about her . Ok, why am I going on about this? I guess I'm trying to defend an action that no one's criticized me for. Anyway, she is so pretty no matter what condition she's in and I've felt that way since the day I met her. So, damn right I'm going to save pictures of her!
--
After work I will do some yoga and I'll feel refreshed. I've been trying to step up the yoga and do it almost as much running. Pretty soon, I'll be in such good shape, I'll ............shit, I don't know what I'll do. Guess I'll just feel better, or something.