I'd say you make a perfect angel in the snow

I've been back home since Sunday night and the desire to move out of this place hit me like a rush of foul air the second I walked in the door. This wasn't a shock to my system; the itch to move has been a slow boil for a while now. I like my roommates -they are mellow, nice people- but the word clean is not in their vocabulary. I'm convinced I could leave a bowl of cornflakes in the middle of the kitchen floor, leave for two weeks, and it would still be there when I returned. I'm the only one who does any cleaning and, you know, I'm not bitter or even angry. They just have different ideas about cleanliness. So it falls on me and I'm only willing to do so much without help. I stay in my room a lot.

There are other reasons I want to move. It's time. It was probably time a year or two ago. I'd like to have my own place or live in one with other like-minded people. I desire more space, less clutter (this has more to do with my own than my roommates).What keeps me here is the location (though I might be getting tired of the city), low rent and the fact that, cleaning issues aside, I like my roommates.  Oh, and this is a big one: I'm not sure I can afford another place. Even with the raise I just got.

That's right, a raise. I've been with the company for six years and never asked for a raise. Part of the reason is because of how slow we were for some time. I never felt it was the appropriate time. My bosses, Jeff and Chris, went to bat for us when things looked bleak; I knew they were taking a hit financially. I felt it safe to assume raises weren't on the menu. The other reason, frankly put, is I was afraid to ask. I imagined my request would be denied for all sorts of reasons, some of which were based on logic and others on my inaccurate sense of worth. It was easier in my mind not to ask. Meanwhile, I struggled to make ends meet. Oh, the things we put ourselves through.

I was talking to Kat one day about my financial situation. I told her I'd been looking for jobs. She asked me what I was currently making at my present one. I told her with some embarrassment. She emphatically said I should be making considerably more given the work I do. "Keep looking for work", she said, "but in the meantime you should ask for a raise." She was right and I was finally in a place where I responsive to that advice; the grip of torpor and fear that for so long had me under its  spell had weakened.

On Monday I went into Jeff's office and asked for a raise. His response was "I'll tell you what I told the last person who asked for a raise. Chris and I have put $35,000 into this business to keep it afloat. I haven't received a check in a long while. Still, I'll talk it over with Chris tonight and get back to you."

I left his office. I wasn't upset. I had already readied myself for this type of response. The asking alone was a victory. A few minutes later, he called me back into his office. "Kevin, I was just thinking about this and you should get a raise. I'm sorry, I thought we'd given you one before. I'll discuss it with Chris and get back to you."

And he did. The next day he called me back into his office and offered me a two dollar raise, which I accepted. I'm still not making a lot, but every little bit helps. And again, the asking alone was a victory for me. I'm still going to look for other work, but this felt good.

--

Listening to Grizzly Bear. I was listening to them a lot around the time my dad died and haven't listened to them much since for obvious reasons. Welcome back, Grizzly Bear! 

I plunge deeper into the spiritual life and I feel lighter, more confident, increasingly liberated. Reading Mindfulness has kept the Buddha's teachings in the forefront of my mind. I'm ever vigilant of the hindrances of the mind and employ skillful thoughts more and more. I see how much suffering we inflict on ourselves through attachment and the denial of impermanence, which is the nature of life. And I continue to chant the mahamantra. We don't have to go through this life unaided.

All right, puppies, time to split.

Hare Krishna!