No camping for me this weekend. Man, I really wanted to go, but I didn't trust my car. Been having issues - might be a head gasket - and I didn't want to risk breaking down up in VT. I did, over the course of the weekend, have several instances when I said fuck it and came very close to throwing my tent and sundry in the car and taking my chances. But I didn't and I'm not sure if it was the right move. Had some cognitive dissonance going on.
Perhaps I needed to go through this, and by this I mean spending the weekend by myself in my head instead of being social with friends at a place I've come to cherish over the years. And, like I said, I really wanted to go - if I ever needed to get out of the city, it was this weekend. I had thought Spira was going to go, she had said as much, but when I texted her about it on Wednesday, she replied that she wasn't sure. And when I called her on Thursday night, she didn't pick up, so I left her a voice mail. She never called back. Not sure what that was about, but if I was going to hitch a ride with someone, it was her. So no ride.
I felt squirmy and conflicted for much of the weekend. Seemed like everyone was out having fun with their friends and families and here I was alone, no family, and friends off doing their own things. All the while, though, I didn't blame anyone and tried to see my predicament as a learning experience. For better or worse, I'm where I'm at because of my decisions. This illustrated plainly I need to be more self sufficient so that I don't have to rely on anyone else.
So I practiced a ton of yoga and worked on music. I even wrote and recorded a new song. I also went deep down some rabbit holes in terms of conspiracies and what not. I won't even bother getting into it here, but man there's some scary stuff going on. Still, I wasn't left in a corner, shivering and wild-eyed. No, just felt that much more awake. Lucid.
I tempered the dark with the light and listened to a lot of fine music. I purchased Lower Dens fantastic, kraut rock meets Beach House, Nootropics and Nina Simone's Live At Ronnie Scotts. Oh, yeah, I also received a letter from my bank letting me know my account info may be in nefarious hands. Security breaches abound. They won't get much from me, that's for sure. Ha!
I'm still determined to go camping. Probably won't be until two or three weeks. I don't expect I'll get many takers - that's how it goes these days, especially when it's this late in the season. That's alright. We used to have fifteen or twenty people on some of these trips. Things change. That will probably never happen again in my life. I'll deal with it.
Alright, lovers, keep the faith and what not.
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3 comments:
Kevin, you can take heart in knowing that you were absolutely not the only person not out doing fun things with friends this weekend. However, I don't know if that statement will make you feel better or worse? I think that social media has made us believe that everyone is doing more than they are and everyone has more, and knows more than us. After all, is anyone really going to post what's lacking in their lives or the disappointments or failures on Facebook for all of their friends to see? True, there might be the occasional vaguebook reference to a disagreement but for the most part, people are much more inclined to put their best foot forward (except of course, when it comes to political discussions, then all bets are off in terms of pleasantries.) Hopefully the camping trip will materialize for you and the weather in September will cooperate too!
I didn't intend for my previous comment to sound so self-pitying I guess I'm a bit melancholy today. ;)
Thanks for the comment, Kate. It wasn't such a bad weekend; I actually got stuff done and once I made it ok in my mind that I wasn't camping, it got easier. I took a long walk in the Fells on Sunday so I did get a nature fix. Hope yours had its bright spots.
People get to portray their lives exactly how they want on social media, so yeah, probably appearances are often just that.
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