I've had similar dreams the last two nights. They've coalesced with the ether and are mostly gone to me, but I remember the parts that are similar. In each dream, I was looking down into a room, stationed in an attic or some other lofty postion. Lots of skulking about observing the goings on of others. And not alone; I had vague companions (the only one I remember is Finn, who you'll read about further down). Such gossamer canvases these dreams have become; they melt in my mind as soon as memory calls their number. Anyway, I have no idea what was going on in them; just making a connection (one of the mind's favorite, favorite activities).
The weekend was productive and well balanced. I spent time with family, friends, and my very own self. On Saturday, I accompanied my mother and grandmother to my niece Colleen's first communion way out in Ashburnham. During the ceremony with it's white gowned children going through the ritualized motions, I kept myself occupied by admiring the good looking women around me and firming my thoughts about indoctrinating children into something they can't possibly understand. After some thought, I wasn't so sure if children can't understand church doctrine. Aren't they better equipped than us ego-blasted adults to grasp the teachings? Perhaps. An impediment might be the archaic language, but there we're on equal footing: it's an impediment for us adults, too.
Speaking for myself, I didn't understand most of what I was being told in church when I was a genteel lad. Both my mother and Spira told me they grasped what they were being taught when I asked them later on. So who knows. I'm still not keen about indoctrination, but it happens in all sorts of ways from the minute we slide into our first pair of diapers. I'm not a big fan of molding young malleable brains for any purpose foul or benign, but if it's going to happen - and I think it will for a long time - teaching kids about JC can't be that bad, right? I mean, he was a peaceful dude. Who doesn't like peaceful dudes?
So I sat (and stood and knelt and sat and stood and knelt and sat and stood and knelt) and felt not a trace of guilt over my carnal yearnings in the house of God and let go the self righteousness I've engaged in before concerning religion and relaxed into the mass. Everyone is on their own path; who the eff am I to judge? I'm happy for the experience, but I was pleased when it was over. Afterward, we went out to eat and I wolfed down a salmon burger and drank two tall glasses of beer.
From the restaurant, we drove my grandmother back to her house in Lexington and visited with my aunt Shelly and uncle Dick who had flown in from NC while we were gone. Being around my uncle was like being around my dad - they resemble each other and share some of the same mannerisms. It was eerie; when I left, my heart was heavy with longing.
I went to Spira's place afterward and took her out to the Peruvian restaurant in Union Sq. for dessert. This was in lieu of the birthday cake she didn't get this year. We ordered cake, rice pudding, custard, and two containers of purple corn juice. Back at her condo, we lit a candle on the cake and I sang Happy Birthday. We watched Kitchen Nightmares and hung out with the pooches (Leah and her dog, Finn, have been staying with Spira). Two pooches = twice the fun. That is the solid truth.
Other than that, it's been writing and reading ( Wizard and Glass, Humboldt's Gift, Bhagavan Das's autobiography). I watched The Room the other night. It is so unintentionally odd and funny that I think it may be one of the greatest movies ever made. Tonight I may watch Pather Panchali, the first film in The Apu Trilogy (deeply moving, gorgeous). I found the films on YouTube. Score!
Speaking of YouTube, I found a twelve hour aum meditation there and will begin playing it during meditation (it's three or so Buddhist monks doing the chanting) and during sleep. That should help the state of my soul, right? Or it may be my end! Stay tuned.
I'll leave you with an exchange between Ram and Hanuman.
Ram: Who are you, Hanuman?
Hanuman: When I don't know who I am, I serve you. When I know who I am, I am you.
Ya feeling me, brah?
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