Something in your smile has left a light that has left a trace

An underlying current of tension has hummed through me all week. I've maintained my composure well enough, which is to say I haven't succumbed to the allure of drama. Still, it's been trying; I'm glad I'm on the precipice of a long weekend and the rest it promises. My comfort zone has been trodden upon and I'm adjusting, not always comfortably, but adjusting. I may just adjust myself out of my work and living conditions. Stay tuned.

What I've encountered, though uneasy, have been manageable lessons I hope to learn from. Every occasion I feel like I'm ready to snap is met with something that counteracts and soothes the situation. Deus Ex Machina. Meditation, yoga, and other spiritual pursuits have kept me steady and alert. When I feel like I have no fight left, something comes along, maybe a quote from a master, a smile, a kind word, and appeases my unrest. Look, life is a real bite in the ass sometimes, in case you haven't figured that out. You've got to arm yourself with tools to help you get through it. Like antidepressants and reality TV? No, not like those things. Not at all.

 I've had teachers. Here are some.

Earlier this evening, I had a couple of puffs, strapped on the iPod, grabbed the Patti Smith book I need to finish and give back to Jeff, and headed over to the park. A feeling of tranquility draped over me as I made my way. The day, which was predominantly gloomy, ended gloriously; the sun crept languidly towards setting and a layer of quiet rode the breeze, all was gentle.

Tranquility was soon replaced with a jolt of panic. Up ahead near the park a police officer was being feverishly pulled in my direction by a German Shepherd. Paranoid, my brain interpreted the scene erroneously and most certainly not in my favor. For a moment, maybe a couple of moments, it seemed certain that the cop was coming for me. I almost turned around and went back to the house, but I trudged on and continued toward the park.

The cop, as it happened, was just visiting someone. The dog was pulling feverishly on the leash because there were a couple of dogs nearby that it wanted to meet. That was all. Funny how things can happen. It really did seem like I was about to be accosted by the police, even though there was no conceivable reason for it to happen. Worked through the fear, I did. And I was rewarded.

At the park, I sat on a bench and read. About ten feet away, a couple shared a hammock while their dog, a handsome Boxer, sniffed around. I watched him contentedly. My mind was clear of thoughts and the residue of panic from earlier. He sauntered over to me and presented his head for petting and I obliged. In a reciprocating gesture, he gently climbed up the bench so that he was erect and eye level with me and licked my cheek. I thanked him and scratched his chest. That was it. He returned to his pack and lazed about on the grass.

After that, a family with two children, a boy and girl most likely three or four, walked by. The children looked anachronistic, like they were dressed by William Faulkner. They chased each other around trees and scampered across the lawn as their parents looked on placidly. Kids can be needy little assholes, but watching these two I thought of God.

When the sun began to set I walked up to the top of the hill the park rests on, sat in the lotus posture (still a bit uncomfortable, but I'm getting there) and meditated, chanting lightly. The park had emptied at that point, save a woman sitting on the grass fifteen feet away from. She had a sketch pad out and looked to be depicting the same scene I was meditating to.

Should I have approached her and made my case that she and I were about to be deeply entwined lovers? I don't know, readers, but my gut tells me that would have been a lousy tactic with a lousy outcome. No, romance was not in the script for that time and place.

Hold fast, readers! Romance and love making are in my near future, right around the bend. So close is that little cherub, Cupid! Perhaps, though, I am under some glamour, some cruel spell put upon me by a cruel sorcerer that makes me perceive falsely. It might be the case that nothing but solitude is in my future. Nothing but the persistent ache of feeling unloved, unwanted. A lonely wretch. A pariah to all women.

Oh, I don't really believe that (only sometimes when I let silly thoughts assert themselves). I do believe, however, that I'd like to play some music, meditate, read, that type of thing.

As you were, apostles.