As you know, today is the most holy of days, one that eclipses all others in its Majesty. And as such, it is a time when we can recognize and truly feel God's bounty. Yes, today America, nay the known universe, will partake in the viewing of the Super Bowl and rejoice.
There is nothing more important on God's green earth than this game, which in truth is not a game at all, but the reason for our existence. How could it be otherwise? Let us rejoice, my brothers and sisters! It is, to restate, the most holy of days. To deny it, to not invest every ounce of your being to it, would be to commit the most gravest of errors. The Ultimate Sin!
Today we celebrate eating and drinking to excess. No fruits or vegetables shall meet our lips; if such a happening occurs, your tongue will burn to ash! Today we eat only meat, chips and dip, and an assortment of fried foods.The only liquid that shall meet our lips will be beer, preferably from a keg. If a keg is not available, a can or pounder will suffice. As a last resort, a bottle may be used. God help you if copious amounts of beer is not made available to you. For then you shall know His wrath!
Today we root for God's chosen team, the New England Patriots. To do otherwise, is to welcome the blackest of evils. Do not make that mistake. But how could you, my brothers and sisters, when the choice is so clear? God does not choose unwisely. It is His will that the Patriots win this game. Have ye faith and it shall happen.
As today is the most holy of days, it has been willed by the Almighty that the rod shall not be spared when its use is warranted. Should your wife be slow in bringing you beer, you may punish her with a swift back hand or burn her flesh with a cigar, Breakfast Club style. Should your children demand your attention in their mewling manner during a key moment (and they are all key moments, my brothers and sisters, including the commercials, made for you by God's angels), you may whip them with your belt over and over until they faint. Should your dog walk in front of the television and obscure your view, even for a moment, you may take it outside and shoot it in the head for the sins of blocking glory from your vision and making you miss precious minutes of the game while you perform this necessary and brutal task. Let nothing distract you from your purpose.
Rejoice! Today, the most glorious of days, is upon us! Go Pats!
Anyway, I'll be watching the game with my dad. I haven't seen my parents in a while; it will good to see them. And yes, I'm also looking forward to watching the game.
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