My inner life has taken precedence lately, hence my blog inactivity. It's not that I'm adverse to sharing my experiences, but it hasn't occurred to me to do so. When you tread beyond the ego, beyond linear structures, you have other concerns. If I just sounded pompous, which is not an unreasonable assessment, you can see why I've been mum. It's not easy to express this stuff, but I'll try.
In the midst of my recent car troubles, I stepped up my meditation practice. It helped quite a bit. I've also immersed myself in spiritual books and lectures. I've been reading Dr. David Hawkins "I" and an old favorite, The Tao of Pooh. At night, when I get under the covers, I've been listening to people like Wayne Dyer and Eckhart Tolle speak.
I'm am by no means an avatar at this point, but I have felt a shift in consciousness. I'll leave it at that; my ego would love to describe it to you, but, as profound as some of my experiences have been, I'll be better served remaining quiet on that score. At least in this forum.
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I ran out of gas the other night and I found myself in a bit of a spiritual crisis. Let me start by noting that I've never run out of gas in my life. I've rolled the dice on more than one occasion, to be sure, but I've always made it to a gas station in time. Sunday night was a different story.
I had just spent the day at Spira's and was on my way home. It was around five o'clock and I had intended to come home much earlier, but I dillied and I dallied. I wanted to get home, eat dinner, and watch The Trip. I live pretty close to Spira; even though I knew I needed gas, I opted to wait until I reached a gas station closer to my house; the one I near Spira's was too expensive for my liking.
I didn't get too far. As I was about to get on the McGrath Highway on-ramp, my car shuddered and quit on me. I managed to pull over safely. I was about to walk back to the gas station I had passed about a quarter of a mile back, but decided it would be quicker if Spira came and got me.
I called her and she showed up about fifteen minutes later. She had stopped at the gas station, hoping she'd be able to surprise me with a canister of gas, but it wasn't meant to be. They didn't have one to lend out. On top of that, Spira almost threw down with an obnoxious woman while she was there.
We drove to another gas station and they didn't have a canister to lend out, either. They suggested we go to Target and buy one there. I'll be honest with you, I thought it was going to be a lot simpler than it was to get gas. Turns out, not many places lend out gas cans like they did in the days when people operated as if they lived in a society (That's changing, though). Spira recommended I call AAA. I did and was told someone would be out shortly.
Shortly amounted to close to an hour. Spira left after I made the call to stop by her art studio. I called my grandmother and found out she was nursing a broken rib. "It's one thing after another", she said, but not in a woe is me kind of way. That should have put matters into perspective for me - temporarily it did - but after I got off the phone with her, some negative energies had a field day with me.
Stewing in my juices, I sat in my car, raving about how the Universe was fucking with me. I frothed over how I was deterred from getting gas earlier in the day by a road race, which incidentally blocked me in to such an extent I had to wait for its completion before I could leave my neighborhood. Yes, the Universe, rather than a benign, loving, force, was really a fucking asshole. I raved like a lunatic. I say "I", but I was nowhere to be found. There were statements like "Every time you have hope or think things are getting better, we're going to fuck you right up the ass, Kevin. That's what we do."
Even in the midst of all this, I was conscious enough to note all this talk of "We". How did things become plural? I took note of this disturbing development but continued to wallow in negativity. Spira came by and brought me some water and chips. She hung out with me until the tow truck came. She helped provide me some perspective and, despite my earlier unconscious behavior, I looked at the situation with clarity.
Things had been piling up lately. Nothing was coming easy, everything a struggle. Running out of gas felt like the straw that broke the camel's back. This is what increased devotion to spiritual practice has gotten me?, I asked myself more than once.
The AAA driver was told I needed a tow and didn't have any gasoline with him. I drove with him to a gas station and then we came back to the car. My battery was dead from my hazards being on for so long, so he had to give me a jump, too.
When all of that was done, I drove home, ranting all the way. By the time I made it into my house, I was spent. It took me two hours to travel a handful of miles. The ranting continued, but died down when I told my ego to shut the fuck up already. I ate and took a hot shower. Under the soothing stream, I burst into tears for about thirty seconds. I needed to vent. Later on, I meditated and cleared a lot of the negative energy away. I felt as light as a feather afterward. Victory!
It carried over into yesterday. I was blissed out almost the entire day. I was like the lillies in the field. I felt like I had overcome something big, though I'm not naive enough to believe the ego has had its last say. No, it's been threatened lately, which is why I think the raving was so over the top, and will not go down lightly. So be it. I know its tricks.
Man, I'm beat. I wanted to riff on the Occupy movement, which continues to move me profoundly, but that will have to be for another post. And so will my sleepover at Tracy and Ray's the other night, which warmed me throughout. Good times.
Namaste.
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