Oh, to sail away, to sandy lands, and other days

I am beat. A busy day at work - thank goodness, we had been achingly slow for a spell - and afterward I went to the Market Basket in Andover and got halfway through my shopping when my cart disappeared. I had left it at the end of an aisle while I went looking for some soy sauce. When I got back, the cart was gone. I spent several minutes looking into other people's carts to see if they had mistakenly grabbed mine. I finally came to the conclusion that I was wasting my time. So I went back to the front of the store, grabbed a cart and started over. Later, in the produce section, I spotted my first cart. Someone had gone to the other side of the store with it before realizing they had the wrong one. That person was an asshole. And a moron. That is just my opinion.

I launched the Ignore Emporium Facebook page last week, replete with a kick ass logo, courtesy of Janelle. The page has been an overall success. And by success I mean the page has been met with overall indifference. People clicked '"like" when they received the invitation ( a good start); after that interest levels dropped significantly.

The only person who left feedback regarding the music I posted, was my old band mate, Steve. I had a feeling he would (Bless you, Steve!)I remember one time back in the day I played him a song I had recorded on my 4 track. As the song was playing, I said something to him and he raised his finger as if to say, "I'll be right with you". When the song was through, he said, "Ok, what were you going to say?" In other words, he actually listened to my song. I remember finding that focused attention refreshing. So, no, I wasn't surprised he actually listened to the songs I shared on FaceBook.

So, if you're counting, out of the nearly fifty people who liked the page, only Steve left feedback about the songs I posted (which, by the way, are the entire fucking point of the page). Actually, there was one other guy, some one I don't even know, who left me a comment noting that he couldn't play one of my songs. So there's another listener, but I have no idea what he thinks about what he heard. He never let on.

So what's going on? Could it be that people are listening and may even enjoy what they've heard but just haven't commented? It's possible, but if you liked what you heard, why not say as much? Not too long ago, Kat told me how much she had enjoyed one of my performances. She described how she and her son had gone home and watched some of the performance on video. It was nice to hear, especially considering it wasn't one of my better received gigs. A scene from The Office comes to mind. Michael Scott makes an unflattering and dismissive comment about Pam's art in front of her and a few other people. She walks away in a huff and Michael says "Actually, Pam's a great artist but I would never say that to her face?" Oscar, perplexed, says "Why wouldn't you say it to her face?" Michael had no answer. It's okay to let someone know you appreciate what they do.

Another option is that people have been listening and dislike what they've heard. That could explain the lack of feedback, but c'mon, you can't find one nice thing to say? Or, fuck, tell me why you don't like what you've heard. I'm fine with that; at least then you'd have given me the respect of some of your attention. Some fucking blood pulsing through the veins of the page. Anything but dead air.

I don't know what the case is because I've received virtually no feedback. Janelle didn't leave any regarding the songs I posted, but she's already heard everything I posted. She went above and beyond by creating the logo, leaving me an encouraging comment, and promoting my page on her wall. Spira promoted the page, too. Artists helping artists.

My music is an essential part of who I am; I've been doing it most of my life. These songs are my children; I've nurtured them, watched them grow. I've played through joy and abject grief. It has gotten me through some shit. I'm proud of what I've done. Leading up to the launch of the page, I was eager to share my music, this essential part of who I am, with my friends. I was looking forward to hearing people's thoughts and opinions.

My parents were supportive of my music but it only went so far. My father died never hearing a single song of mine. My parents never expressed an interest in seeing me play out or listening to any of my recordings. When my dad died, I hatched a plan to play him a farewell set in front of my friends and family. It felt like the right thing to do. My mother and sister both said they wouldn't attend. So I ditched the idea.

I only illustrate the above to point out why what's happening might cut a little deep. This type of thing has been a pattern with me (I don't have the energy to go over specific examples, they're out there). I should point out that over the years I've received some great support and encouragement by various people. It hasn't been all negative, to be sure. And, look, it's okay with me if people don't like my stuff. It's not for everyone. But to be dismissed so roundly by so many people - my friends - doesn't feel so okay. 

Oh, this is giving me a headache. It was affirming to vent, but I should be working on my music instead of fussing about the people who seem to be indifferent to it.

I don't know what to do with the FB page. I guess I'll leave it up and continue posting songs. Maybe someone will come upon it and dig what they hear. Or not. Who knows. I've got a gig to promote, but I'm not sure if I should bother. I'll have to think about it.

Things may pick up. I've planted some seeds, maybe they'll grow. I know there are people out there who will appreciate what I do. The longer my reach, the more likely I'll find them, or they'll find me. I'm looking forward to the gig and plan on bringing my A game. So it's off to rehearse.


G'night