Ground control to Major Tom

I'd just finished a post that involved a fantasy of mine in which I rescue a tiny mermaid from the drain in my shower and she grants me three wishes out of gratitude. Let me tell you, the post got away from me, and that's why I haven't published it. I don't know if I ever will.

It started with this:

Mermaid: You have rescued me from certain death, brave human. You are glorious to behold! I've never seen one of your kind so strikingly handsome, so self assured. I wonder if I have died and passed into the realm of angels.

I responded in arrogance, saying that I didn't need to be told how glorious and self assured I was, that I knew that already. Kind of ridiculous and not very funny, but I liked it enough to leave it in. Then I pulled out the over-used comedic device of the granting of three wishes. The only difference was instead of a genie, a mermaid dispensed them. See, I put a little twist in the scenario. Very clever. Anyway, my first wish went as follows:

Me: Ok, my first wish is for you to get stuck in the drain again, but this time no one rescues you and you die, tangled up in pubic hair and soap scum.

After the mermaid explained to me that due to the nature of the wish, it would be impossible for her to grant me the next two, I replied:

Me: We'll save that one for last, then. I guess I just figured all the wishes would take effect after I placed them. Anyway, let's move on. Why didn't Luke Warm pull that little girl out of the freezing water after she fell through the ice last March?

Obviously, this is strange and probably funny only to me, but I had nothing better to do, so I kept going with it.


Mermaid: He didn't want to get involved.

Me: I knew it! I tried to convince myself that he let her drown because he had a bad back, or something, but I guess I was just making excuses for him. Ok, well why didn't I help her?

Mermaid: Your deeper self knew that this was a test for Luke Warm and that, even though it's in your nature to be a hero, you shouldn't interfere. It was unfortunate that he was unable to overcome his cowardice. That little girl's family suffers greatly to this day and will continue to for the rest of their lives. Unless, of course, you use one of your wishes to erase that event from the annals of time, and thus put an end to their suffering.

I chose not to regard the mermaid's suggestion and went into even stranger territory by making my next wish involve Luke Warm having orgasms every time he saw someone in any kind of pain or sorrow. I don't know where that one came from. Anyway, I present it to you as it was written:

Me: Ok, I wish for Luke Warm to have the most exquisite, pleasurable, and explosive orgasm every time he sees someone suffering. When he sees a baby cry, a dog kicked, a loved one tortured, a child being bullied-- I want him to cum. That will show him.


Why all the hostility towards Luke Warm? You've got me. Maybe it has something to do with him being too much of a Mary to save a girl from drowning. Uh, yeah, that part actually happened.

Things took on a spiritual bent after that, with the mermaid going on about karmic debt and soul development. That was when I decided to abandon the post. It was just too much to deal with at that point. Sometimes you got to know when to fold 'em.