She lives in a house that's near decay, built for the industrial revolution

I woke up Saturday morning, my head thick with a dream I had about finding cash on the ground. Despite the soft edge of greed I felt at the discovery -- a few of us were walking and, even though I was finding the money first ( it appeared every few steps), I wanted it for myself, but probably would have shared. Not often I have dreams like that. It seemed to me a portent of. Well, it didn't fall in my lap Saturday night, despite the fact that the location I was at strongly resembled the one in the dream.

The occasion was the NSI cd release party at the Stone Church in Newmarket. I'd never been there before, but had heard about some of the great performers who've passed through. Good mojo around that place.

I went up with Luke Warm and Spira and almost as soon as I got there, Shane was eager to get me on stage and ready to play.The place was smaller and had less of a cathedral vibe than I had formed in my mind. Still, with it's bar, cocktail tables, and stage with blue lighting, it was a suitable environment for live music.

The place was filling up quickly as I got on stage and did a quick sound check. Once that was accomplished, I began my set. After the first song, I knew it was going to be one of those shows, and by that I mean one in which the audience is louder than the music and not in a good way. Oh, well, it is to be expected. Usually when it happens, and I've been lucky that it hasn't happened overly much, you just make the best of it. When you're performing original songs, not '90's grunge covers, with just an acoustic and vocals, it most certainly is to be expected.

I only played about four songs before Shane gave me the "one more" sign. It had been a strange set. I couldn't hear myself that well, a phone atop a monitor sitting next to me rang incessantly (I found out it was Brian's. After I had finished playing, he approached the stage, grabbed the phone, and asked, "Why didn't you answer it?" with complete deadpan. Brian is a very funny individual), and the sound guy was uptight. "No,no,no! You can't have that beer on stage. Take it off, please. Please, take it off!" Easy, friend.

When I got off the stage and made my way through the middle of the room towards the back, I felt weird, like I had just committed a minor crime. I received a welter of cold looks from a number of people. Maybe I shouldn't say cold, but it kind of felt that way. I know, it sounds like I expected everyone to collapse to the ground in supplication, but really, it was just strange.

I don't expect praise, but I do expect acknowledgement. A nod of the head, something. If that's being egotistical, than so be it. Not for nothing, but I was just up on the stage performing for you. Whether I suck or not, at least offer me the respect of acknowledgement. I'm mostly referring to friends here; it makes more sense to me for strangers to be unresponsive.

As I packed up my guitar, a few of my friends walked right by me without a word. And yes, they saw me. Again, it's the acknowledgement and not the praise. Now, several of my friends, and some strangers, too, did make some comments, which were appreciated. And, by the end of the night, most of my friends had congratulated me. So, if I've given the impression that I was invisible to every single person in the club, it's not an accurate one.

It was great seeing friends I hadn't seen in a long time. Spending time with them made me realize how much I missed them. Hanging out with them as NSI played an inspired set brought me back to the days when we'd all see each other at various shows. Good times.

The ride home turned into a nightmare for me. I don't recall how it started, but I mentioned to Luke Warm and Spira that I had been feeling like I wasn't too popular with some of my friends, that I was out of the loop. Without going into too much detail, mainly because I really don't feel like reliving the experience, Spira and Luke Warm proceeded to go off in me. Luke went as far to say in a mocking tone, "No one likes me, no one likes me.... maybe you should go home and slit your wrists." And Spira, if I remember correctly, accused me of being a drama queen, talking in circles, always feeling sorry for myself and always making everything be about me.

Whether their accusations had merit or not, I had only uttered a couple of sentences when I was verbally assaulted. They were both shooting their mouths off at once. I was getting pounced on in stereo and, I've got to say, I was in a mild state of shock. My comments hadn't warranted the response I received. No fucking way.

At one point, while Spira was going off on me, I told her to shut the fuck up so that I could respond. She was fairly outraged at, to be sure. "Don't tell me to shut the fuck up!!", she bellowed. Too late, I'd already done it. I guess after being trodden upon for several minutes straight, with no space to speak in my defense, I was a little testy. You know, I may have some esteem issues, but I have enough self respect to defend myself.

Other shit happened, but you get the gist. I didn't sleep that night. I was too upset. Let me tell you, it doesn't feel very good having two of your closest friends got to town on you. In the morning, I took Baby Boy Z for a walk and tried to clear my head.

I was pretty successful. I was determined to learn something from the situation. While I was pissed at the treatment I received, I don't think what they were saying was without merit. I'm a human being and I'm not always at my best. I can, and have, felt sorry for myself. I can, and have, taken friends and family members for granted. I can be small, selfish, and petty.

I'm working on it.

I had a long talk about the experience with Janelle yesterday, and I felt much better afterward. She really saved the day for me and helped me flesh out my feelings about the previous night. One thing I concluded as a result of the conversation was that Luke Warm and Spira are who they are and I can't expect them to be any different. If I'm going through a rough patch, or anything near one, I should avoid going to them with it. It's always been this way and it used to bother me. Especially with Spira. But, they're still my friends and are there for me in other ways.

Always more than one side to a story, of course. I'm sure Spira and Luke would tell you that I was going on and on and on, that, in fact, I'm like that all the time, which was why they were so exasperated with me. Maybe the truth of the matter is somewhere between the two accounts. So be it.

I think we've hit a wall. I don't want to be around people who seem to view me as a miserable, melodramatic, fuck, because I just don't believe it. And, if they think that way about me, I'm pretty sure being around someone like that isn't very appealing to them.

I don't like being attacked out of hand. I don't like being told to go slit my wrists and I don't like being told all I do is talk in circles when all I'm doing is seeking clarification. I've got my faults, but so do they. I have my positives, too.

Go figure.

Post script. Just read this: If you want to be seen, stand up. If you want to be heard, speak up. If you want to be appreciated, shut up. That is going to be my mantra for a good while.