I've got to run to keep from hiding

So much, almost the totality, of my life as currently constituted is out of whack. I'm not going to lie to you, these last few months have been the hardest of my life. Hard, shitty, revelatory, cathartic, squirmy, confusing. All of the above and more. See what happens when you up your spiritual practice? You end up with an almost overwhelming amount of tough love.

I'm not surprised by this shakeup, I knew it would come. I had heard and read how vociferously the ego will thrash and fight to the bitter teeth of its existence. I had fair warning, which is helpful inasmuch as it reminds me I'm not sinking lower and lower into tar pits of despair but cleaning house, as it were. As unsettling and potentially catastrophic as matters have become, I find I'm buoyed by a calmness, a firm quiet hunch that I'm going to be okay. It's the catharsis of birth.

While I've felt better physically the last day or so, my inner disposition has been a mess. Not in the sense you might suspect. I haven't been tensed up in a rigid heap, shaking and sobbing. I don't feel depressed, though there are things I've been depressed about. And, to be sure, there have been times, like today, when I've felt weak and afraid, saddened and bereft. But I've also been meditating, practicing yoga, laughing, reading from spiritual literature, watching and listening to people like Wayne Dyer, Eckhart Tolle, Leo Buscaglia (I couldn't take too much of him. He yelled too much; I expected his delivery to far more gentle). In fact, spiritual pursuits have been about the only things I've craved and taken comfort in.

I reached the point where I felt backed into a corner and working without a net. Completely vulnerable, raw and exposed to good, ill, or indifferent. And the point has been reached, or will be reached very, very, soon where I can't continue living the same way. Maybe not rock bottom, but a sink or swim situation. The ego fears its death.

There's not much in my life right now that's satisfying, but in the midst of an upheaval, what is? Despite the fact that I've been pretty positive (despite the tone of this post), over the last few days I've felt beset on all sides and it's been a bit much to take. But I've been taking it and things are getting better. This too shall pass, this too shall pass.