Lies and betrayals, fruit covered nails

I'm about to go for a long walk. I'll probably end up at spy pond. I'm going to inhale several puffs of applewood cherry tobacco and get going. I need to let loose some negative energy and hopefully regain my center in the process. It's been an interesting but practically bipolar week; presently I'm at the low end of the spectrum. I don't like it. I've taken measures that have led me to balance in the past. I've hit the mat, I've meditated; I'm re-reading the Gita. And there's this walk I'm about to take.

But first how I got here.

Kira and I had our second date last Saturday night. I believe, and I think she does, too, that it went well. We had a sushi dinner at Fuji's in Assembly Row and then we walked over to the Beer Garden, a hip outdoor bar that serves home-brewed beer (yes, there were skinny jeaned, bearded folk about; strange, I know, but true). We met around 6 and we didn't leave until around 2. The night flew by. Under oath, I'd swear we were together an hour or two.

I learned she's a lefty like me and that she has a good friend that shares both my first and last name. Our banter and level of comfort was easy and relaxed, as if we were on our fifth date rather than our second. She found my wallet in the bathroom. I'd gone in right before her and it must have slipped out of my pocket. I had no idea it was gone until she came over and said "Look what I found!".  Thinking about it later on, I came to the conclusion that it's not crazy to think that was a good sign. At the very least, it's hard to view it as a bad sign.At one point I  proved to her that Spoon Man is indeed on Soundgarden's Superunknown, contrary to her protestations that it wasn't, and then gently suggested she draft some sort of apology letter to me. She said she would do no such thing. We laughed.

It was a fine night. Our last hour or so was spent in her car. When we parted, I asked if I could kiss her on the cheek. After I received approval, I planted one on her. I told her I thought she looked very pretty.When I got home I buzzed with the high energy of the stout breeze of possibility. I hadn't had that feeling in a very long time. I'd been diligent about keeping at bay flights of fancy, but I let myself have this one. As I said, it had been a long time. I deserved it.

At one point in my reverie, I laughed and said "Damn, something could be happening here!" And why not? Our commonalities span a broad range; we would be talking about Ann Lamott (her wonderful writing) one minute and Alice In Chains the next (re: the merits of Dirt).

And there have been synchronicities, some quietly perceptible, some potently assertive. I won't get into all of that....not yet.


Yesterday afternoon I got a text from Kira that got me thinking this wasn't going to work, that, once again, that I had been dealt another disappointment. I'll tell you right off that bat that nothing in the text should have provoked such a thought, but there it was. It was mildly annoying at its worst, but it grew fangs and possessed me outright.The devilry!

As all of this was happening, I put to use the fruits of my spiritual practice and observed in as detached a manner as I could. "Become the witness" was the mantra. It was tough at first; I was ensorcelled with lies and half truths. It took some effort to get to the point where I could simply observe what has happening. Possessed, indeed!

The obsessive thinking didn't abate, in fact it carried over into today. Quite a storm. Still, I continued observing my behavior and slowly began to see clearly how far astray from the truth I had gone, how the mind can trick and distort. And now I will go for a long walk and look the devil right in the eye and let it know I will get through this.

Post script. I'm back from my walk, in fact it's the following evening. The walk was just what I needed. I got the blood flowing, there was gentle quietude, there were moments of clarity. The tension that had manifested in my body from all that low energy dissipated once observed and held under scrutiny.

I made it to spy pond just after sunset. There were about ten people present and no one spoke. We all just sat or stood and gazed upon the pond, felt nurtured by the silence. On my way back, I felt a swell of determination that, no matter how it turned out with Kira, I was going to find my mate. I thought about the type of relationship I want and, let me tell you, it doesn't feature a guy who becomes unhinged at any provocation, real or imagined. So if I want to manifest a loving, healthy, long term relationship, it can never be until I get past my fears and insecurities.

I'm not about to declare that I won't have anymore experiences like this, I'm human and fallible and not yet a buddha, but I did the right thing and used this one as a learning tool. I feel renewed, fortified, clearheaded, and determined. I minimized something that would have drastically reduced my chances of entering into a fruitful relationship with Kira or anyone else.

Anyway

I got a text from Kira this morning. It was a pleasant one; no indication she wants to bail. If I was still under the spell of bullshit, I wonder if I would have interpreted it differently. She's off to San Francisco this weekend. We'll see each other next week. Where are we headed with this? I don't know. We're off to a good start but who knows what's around the bend. We could be done after our next date or she could end up being my wife. But look here: the future is a mystery, baby, and as real as I make it out to be in my mind, it's just an illusion.

As Ram Dass has been know to say, be here now.

It's the only sane thing you can do. 

Namaste, bitches